B.S. writes

Ever since my long-term boyfriend J.T. and I split, I haven't had any luck finding a new beau. In fact, no one will even look at me. I have taken desparate measures, including wearing a glittery see-through bodysuit in my latest music video, starting false rumors about a string of short-lived romances, and going out every single night in hopes of meeting my next Prince Charming.

I tell potential suitors that I'll be a slave 4 them, but they seem to think that I'm toxic. I can't seem to get a serious answer regarding this much distressing dilemma; in fact, whenever I bring up the problem to my closest friends, relatives, even complete strangers, they tend to laugh in my face. You are my last resort - please help!

Steph replies:

Never fear, the solution is quite straightforward. Men are simply inundated by images of beautiful women: in magazines, on television, walking past them with their long legs and stiletto boots. They are sick and tired of constantly having pretty girls chasing them, begging them for a date, or (heaven forbid) propositioning them for sex.

All you need to do is think back to your childhood in the South. Most of the women in your town were married to fine gentlemen, right? Here's what you do:

• Wash off that expensive makeup, burn your sexy wardrobe, throw away your hair-straightening iron, fire your team of stylists.
• Go to your local K-Mart and purchase the following: one pair black leggings, one pair of pleated jeans (preferably stonewashed), one extra-large sweatshirt (preferably with kittens on the front), and one baggy crocheted sweater.
• Next, go to McDonald's. Start eating and don't stop until they run out of food.

In no time at all, you will become precisely what men fantasize about. You will be the ideal woman.