A.D. writes
I've been having problems recently with my nemesis. He never calls, he rarely responds to text messages, and he often reschedules meetings at the last minute. I'm starting to feel that he doesn't want to be my implacable enemy any more. What can I do?
Mark replies:
Well, A.D., nemeses are tricky things. It's difficult enough to work out the correct plural of nemesis, never mind maintain an appropriate level of antagonism.
Do you think that Holmes and Moriarty simply walked into the kind of mutual enmity based upon grudging respect which led them to the Reichenbach Falls? Of course not.
It took years of cat-and-mouse manoeuvring, mind games, near-misses, clues built up through unknowing agents, fiendish plots and acts of despotic evil genius before they came to know that a showdown between their equal opposites was fated to be.
To acknowledge your nemesis, and have them do the same, takes a lot of work on both your parts. An eternal battle between good and evil isn't a part-time job, you know. Enmity needs to be tended carefully if it is to flower into an all-consuming battle to the death.
You shouldn't worry that your nemesis will fade away into being a mere common or garden opponent; a few carefully laid plans and your game will be afoot once more.
Besides which, it's not as though he can just walk away. You've got all the guns.
I need a nemesis.
Count Pete of Uborkaringham · April 12, 2004 17:34I accept your challenge
Lord Pete of Evilborkashire · April 12, 2004 17:34Super.
Count Pete of Uborkaringham · April 12, 2004 17:34You can't be your own fictional nemesis, sweetie.
Karen · April 12, 2004 18:01I have no idea what you mean.
Count Pete of Uborkaringham · April 12, 2004 18:17I have no idea what you mean.
Lord Pete of Evilborkashire · April 12, 2004 18:17I once had an evil clematis, if that helps. It's like an evil nemesis, but slightly less hassle.
Vaughan · April 12, 2004 20:58Oh, and on a small point of order, could you clarify for me whether AGONY WEEK means that we have to spend the entire week in agony? Only, y'know, I've got a few social plans and I don't think my friends will be that keen if I turn up, crawling in on hands and knees and screaming, "I'M IN AGONY!"
Yours split-hairingly,
Vaughan · April 12, 2004 21:00Vacuous of West London
Agony. Ah, that's my favourite word.
I'm so evil.
Lord Pete of Evilborkashire · April 12, 2004 21:52I'm quite sure that the plural is nemesex. Don't try and fight it Londonmarcus, you know its true. Like your weight, it is your density.
D · April 13, 2004 01:21Dear Auntie Markandsteph,
I have a problem. For some time now, children have been coming to me for advice. I am always there for them, but find that I simply cannot tell the truth. I've tried asking them to seek advice elsewhere, but they keep coming back, and the fact of the matter is, I can't help myself. I fill them full of the most crapulous gibberish imaginable.
My question is, are these feelings normal in a man of my age, and am I actually breaking the law?
Thank you.
Doctor Pockless (Haughty Culturalist) · April 13, 2004 10:35I have nothing really to add to this thread other than to note that both "Evil Clematis" and "Haughty Culturalist" are making me giggle today.
pix · April 13, 2004 13:40Vaughan, I believe the answer to your question is that Mark and I have to spend the week in agony, since it is our guest week and we are doing Agony Week. To which I say, "Aaagggghhh!"
steph · April 13, 2004 15:50