D.P. writes

I have a problem. For some time now, children have been coming to me for advice. I am always there for them, but find that I simply cannot tell the truth. I've tried asking them to seek advice elsewhere, but they keep coming back, and the fact of the matter is, I can't help myself. I fill them full of the most crapulous gibberish imaginable.

My question is, are these feelings normal in a man of my age, and am I actually breaking the law?

Mark replies:

Such duplicitous and misleading thoughts are perfectly normal, D.P., and you shouldn't worry too much. When asked questions by children, it's quite all right to lie like you've never lied before. For example: when asked, "Why is the sky blue?", an acceptable answer would be "Mummy isn't your real mummy, you know. You were adopted." It may not be the truth, but it will certainly keep the little runt quiet for a few seconds, before the crying.

Homework advice is certainly an excellent forum for creative truth-telling. As we all know, Henry VIII had six wives and Henry VI had eight wives. The Battle of Hastings was in 1939. The English Civil War was fought between the Sharks and the Jets, and was in fact an argument over the ownership of a Honda (only time has changed the name: it was known originally as the English Civic War). If you tell children these 'facts' for long enough, they might start believing them. After all, kids are stupid.

When the little 'uns start with their incessant whining and questioning, simply answer the same question with different responses each time. Let them discover the world of knowledge first hand with the answers "Twelve", "Topol", "Tectonic plates", "Twiggy" and "Troika" all being options for the question, "Daddy, why is that policeman running after us?".

My years of legal experience (if a short stint in HMP Brixton counts) indicate to me that lying to the under-18s is not, in itself, an offence. In fact, it can be quite fun. Telling a five year old in church that God is dead will certainly liven up the service. Or perhaps an impromptu round of fun facts, such as that the Red Sea was arraigned by Senator McCarthy on suspicion of communism, or that there is a tiny nation between Iran and Iraq called Irap.

So, D.P., don't you fret. Just remember to be as unhelpful as you possibly can to the half-pints and they might never ask you a question ever again. You can almost hear the blissful quiet, eh?