My problem has been bothering me for quite a while now, but only recently has it grown to near-monumental proportions. The voices in my head keep telling me to do things. Bad things. I used to be able to fend them off with a quick (usually unnoticed) slap to the side of my head and a mumbled “Shut up!”, but last night the voices kept saying “Hit delete! Hit delete!”, and my finger obeyed them. They are becoming more and more powerful. I am afraid of losing control of my mind. How do I get rid of them?
Shut up!
Sorry.

Steph replies:
First you need to determine which type of voices are speaking to you. Could they be characterized by the small cartoonish devil-on-one-shoulder/angel-on-the-other voices, which are generally harmless except for when they are overused in television sitcoms and annoy certain viewers to the point of distraction?
Or are they more like garden-variety schizophrenia, the voice in your head that is your voice but tells you to kill kittens and eat them? This is the kind you should be concerned about, and from the symptoms you describe, I fear that this may be your affliction.
If you have caught this at an early enough stage, you can train your internal voices to do good rather than evil. The process is quite similar to training a dog. Encourage your voices to roll over, or sit, or if you’re up for the challenge, fetch the newspaper. At first they may not obey, but as long as they’re not whispering seductive suggestions of evil, they deserve a treat anyway. Have a bag of caramels or Malteasers at the ready.
If, however, the voices are completely out of control, you may need to crazy-proof your life rather than fruitlessly attempt to quell the forces of insanity growing within you. Start with padding: make sure all sharp objects, corners of furniture, and Karen are padded. This way you will not injure yourself when you eventually completely lose your mind. I would suggest staying indoors, as the outside world is fraught with peril. You don’t want to end up doing something you regret, such as erasing someone else’s weblog.
Most importantly, though, enjoy your voices. Read them poetry. Feed them steak. They like being there, and they may stick around for a while, so you might as well get used to them. And don’t forget, insanity is a valid defense in a court of law. Oh yes.
Mwah ha ha!