After an almost two month break, the (in)famous “Girls, a User Guide” is back on your screens.

Previous instalments of the guide can be found here, here and here.

Go ahead and catch up. I can wait.

*taps toe delicately on the ground*

Ok. Are we all sitting comfortably?

Than we’ll begin.

Again.

But not at the beginning, oh no.

Somewhere in the middle, near where we left off.

And so… (without much further ado)

L is for Legs

These are the things that, as one of my more waggish chums put it, “saves women from leaving an awful mess behind them, like wot slugs and snails do”.

A note for those who haven’t already figured it out:- proffering that particular opinion will probably not go down well with any member of the fairer sex (also known as girls).

Legs are also what look much better when wearing fishnets (or any kind of stockings, for that matter) and magnificently impractical high heels.

L is also for Lips

A pair of these is essential if you wish to indulge in kissing.

Don’t be afraid if the lips you wish to kiss are covered in lipstick, this will come off fairly easily (don’t be fooled by all these adverts for lipstick which doesn’t come off – they lie!).

Yes, that means the lipstick will come off, probably all over your face, but let’s face it guys, at least it shows you’ve actually been kissed. Also, it washes off. Don’t be a big sissy about it. There are worse things to have smeared all over your face.

(lesson continues inside)

L is also for Lust

Although you’ve probably been brought up to believe that girls are fabulously delicate creatures who have to be coaxed and cajoled into performing their marital duties, quite simply, this is not the case.

Newsflash: we get lusty too. We just don’t walk around doing a passable imitation of a tent to let you know about it.

Trust me though, there are ways you can tell if the girl of your intentions is feeling a bit lusty.

1. She has grabbed you, shoved you up against something and is trying to remove your tonsils (whether you have them or not).

Okay, so not everyone is that obvious.

Other, more subtle hints include:

2. Playing with her hair (to make you notice it and want to touch it)

3. Licking her lips (to make them look redder, more noticeable and moist, to make you want to kiss them)

4. Dilated pupils (not sure why being lusty makes your eyes want to let in more light, especially since if the plan works they’ll be closed anyway, but still, this is a pretty sure sign)

5. Her cheeks, neck, chest (if you can see it) may be flushed (indicative of increased bloodflow around the body, caused by increased heart-rate)

6. Trembling (if she’s trembling, she wants you real bad)

All of which bring me on to my final point.

L is for Lube (aka Lubrication or the slidy stuff that makes it more mmm than ouch)

If you’ve done everything right, this will come (ahem) naturally.

If not, there’s always astroglide.

… and remember kids, if you’re going to go the low road, additional lubrication is an absolute essential.

*insert public health warning*

If you wish to use a non-natural lubricant in conjunction with a latex-based prophylactic (aka a condom), always make sure it’s water-based. Vaseline or any kind of oil (either baby, cooking or olive) will rot the latex, causing it to split, and increasing the risk of having babies or getting a nasty infection.

So remember kids, take care of yourselves… and each other.