E.S. writes

I feel as though I have been stripped of my dignity as an animal. When my so-called 'owners' dress me in degrading costumes and parade me around the internet for all to witness, they are, in the street slang of the late 1990s, dissin' me. They also coerce me to cook and mix drinks for their friends. I am treated as a servant. In my abject humiliation, I have nearly forgotten who I am: a Prionace glauca, member of the Carcharhinidae family. I find it nearly impossible to be keepin' it real these days.

I can't take this exploitation anymore. I have the irrepressible urge to slide onto a train headed to the seaside and never surface again. Please help me before I do something I regret!

Steph replies:

I used to have quite a similar problem when I was a stuffed animal, right before the Blue Fairy made me into a real boy--ahem--girl. Your problem stems from the fact that stuffed animals are 'cute' and 'cuddly' and 'innocuous' and 'harmless'. Once you put the fear of God in your 'owners', they will give you the respect you deserve.

You must make them understand what it feels like to be in your figurative 'shoes'. The evil humans have been dressing you in face masks and chains? Buy some human-sized costumes (these are easily found anywhere in Soho), borrow a threatening-looking weapon (for intimidation purposes), and force the humans to dress in the costumes. Take many photographs with their digital camera, the very camera that has been witness to your humiliation, and post the photographs on the internet, where their friends and enemies alike can point and laugh at them.

The next time they enslave you in the kitchen and order you to cook, or construct tables, or mix alcoholic beverages, you will say 'Yes, sir' with the utmost of deference. You will then proceed to add a minimal amount of Syrup of Ipecac in their drinks, or a bit too much Tabasco in their mash. Be sure to discard precisely two screws while constructing the furniture. You will take delight in their suffering, and rest assured, they will not repeat their request for your service.

And never forget who you are. You are a dangerous animal, one that eats flesh for dinner. After you follow these steps, those puny humans will no longer take for granted your power.

P.S. If you ever meet the Blue Fairy, tell her I say hi, and thanks for the job well done.

Steph · Tuesday April 13, 2004 14:31

That E.S. is a mass of scarlet fever germs! -- Burn it at once!

D · April 13, 2004 14:41

i am now reconsidering the way i leave my seemingly innocuous but truly ferocious bear unattended and smothered in my bedsheets all day.

bow bear, if you're reading this from an evil lair somewhere under my bed, I SERIOUSLY TOTALLY LOVE AND RESPECT THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS YOUR BEARHOOD.

*calls FBI and asks for WP*

krissa · April 13, 2004 14:51

The FBI can't help you now, mwahahahahaha.

Krissa's Bear · April 13, 2004 15:17

Bow Bbear would never...even consider...would he?

Oh Gods. I might not be safe either. And I can't even call on the FBI. We haven't got one of our own yet. We're still saving up.

Stuart · April 13, 2004 15:19

Secret message to B.B.:
Tomorrow, 4pm EST, the diner on the corner of 23rd and 8th. I'm on my way to Heathrow. Must discuss 'plans'...

E.S. · April 13, 2004 15:41

masquerading yourself as my bear does little good when you leave your signature, mister londonmark. and by signature, i mean, URL.

stuart and i completely trust bow bear not to massacre us in our sleep.

and ES, i'm notifying the authorities.

krissa · April 13, 2004 16:17


Mark · April 13, 2004 16:25

I dunno - this agony aunt theme has nothing on the potted-plants-and-total-chaos theme that Vaughan and I "developed" last week.

Boo! Get off!

Graybo · April 13, 2004 18:02

Graybo, I did not expect such sour grapes from you. Were you growing them with the potted plants?

Mark · April 13, 2004 18:09

Ahhhhhhhh Graybo - I knew one could count on you.. I too find myself reflecting back to the days of those plants...

Angel · April 13, 2004 19:12
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