I’m sure you’re all aware of the conventional definition of blog-rings. They’re either huge and unwieldy, with a list of members as long as your arm that you would never consider browsing (e.g. ‘The People With Ears Blog-Ring’), or they’re so small and exclusive that they never muster more than three members and end up looking rather pitiful and pathetic (e.g. ‘Merthyr Tydfil Youth Club Table Tennis Team of Summer 1986 Blog-Ring’).
However, in honour of Stuart and Krissa – not forgetting Uborka’s very own host and hostess, and even managing to chime pleasantly with Graybo’s current Lexicon of Luuuurrvve – I believe it’s time to banish that meaning of blog-ring and invent a new one …
“Hello, I’m Sycophantia Gesundheit, and welcome to the Uborka Home Shopping Network, available on Channel 1163 on digital satellite (or, if you can’t find us easily, we’re in a prime spot right after the 24-hour hedgehog-tossing channel).
Our special offer today is this heartwarming romantic gift for loving couples who have found each other through the miracle of their frequently-updated personal websites. Or ‘blogs’, as I believe young people call them. Yes, today’s must-have purchase is the Genuine Silver Blog-Ring, yours for the remarkably improbable price of only £29.99 for the pair (plus postage & packing, direct from our warehouse in Vanuatu). These exquisite and beautiful pieces of jewellery are genuine silver – it says here – although they may contain various other metals and impurities.*
*Disclaimer: Uborka Home Shopping Network cannot be held responsible for any allergic skin reactions suffered due to the inferior quality of the materials or craftsmanship. Buyers are advised to insure their fingers before making a purchase.
However, the true secret of the Genuine Silver Blog-Ring can only be seen if Boris – our inebriated camera operator – comes in close to focus on the inner surface of this exquisite item. For this is where, when you order your pair of blog-rings, we will ask you to make the ultimate commitment to your blogging sweetheart by engraving on their blog-ring the password to your Movable Type installation, previously known only to you during those long dark nights of the soul when you were a single, unattached blogger.
Artist’s impression of romantic blogging couple,
shortly after exchanging blog-rings
employed by Uborka Home Shopping Network, and are not
intended to resemble anyone either alive or dead (or unsure).
Image © Uborka Home Shopping Network.
Buy this pair of rings today, and show the love and trust you have in each other. Never mind giving your true love the key to your heart. Show them what they mean to you by giving them the key to your weblog – a gift that money alone can’t buy (although the price remains £29.99, and we accept cheques, cash, credit cards, debit cards, luncheon vouchers and social security payment books).
To order these priceless items, call 0890 9090 9090 9090 9090 22 and ask for Wayne in the warehouse. Alternatively, you can visit our website, or press the red button on your interactive remote control.
That’s all from me, Sycophantia Gesundheit. Be sure to tune in to Uborka Home Shopping Network tomorrow, when our special offer will be this charming genuine antique cucumber in a bottle. It’s like a ship in a bottle, but offers a rather more quizzical talking-point when the neighbours pop round. Yours for just £17.50. Goodnight!”
i was waiting for when the “ooohs” and “aahhs” stopped and the piss-taking began.
Oooh, aahh and, indeed oo-aah (that’s the Somerset influence coming out in me). I am now wondering if I’ve crossed that fine line between humour and piss-taking. Oh dear.
i’d be disappointed if you didn’t cross it, vaughn.