Good evening, my ripe little courgettes! My oh my, aren’t you all looking mouthwateringly succulent and green tonight? If I wasn’t quite so shy and reserved, I’d grab one of you, bite off your nobbly tip, spit it out and roll the remaining length around my mouth with an overwhelming sense of luxurious abandon.
Oh sorry. Wrong piece of paper. That was my introduction for the other blog on which I’ll soon be appearing as a guest writer.
My esteemed colleague and friend of plants everywhere, Graybo, has mentioned that this could possibly be the Week of Luuurve on Uborka. Whilst I would dearly like to comply, I’ve already informed Graybo that he is well and truly spoken for. And anyway, I’ve got a headache that will be lasting until Friday. I’m also aware that although I do possess a deeply sentimental side that quickly goes misty-eyed at all things luuurrrve-related, I also have a bitter, cynical and twisted side that regularly beats it into cowering submission. However, you don’t want to know about that.
So in honour of the announcement of Stuart’s and Krissa’s engagement, I shall not be writing about luuuuurrrrrve. No, absolutely no luuuuuuurrrrrrrve here, I’m afraid. Instead I shall be saluting and paying homage to the strangely compulsive web phenomenon that brought our sweethearts together across the virtual ether. Yes, I am of course referring to Lord of the Rings role-playing games. Bagsy me dress as Gandalf.
Oh sorry. Wrong piece of paper again. That should read ‘blogging’. Yes, I’ll be writing about blogging.
With profuse apologies to Ann and Anna for stealing the structure of their fabulous alphabetical week as guests on Uborka, my almost interminable lecture on the mystical art of blogging will take the form of an A to Z. Needless to say, I’ll be missing out most of the alphabet (since I don’t know how to bring either Xylophones or Zebras into a discussion of weblogs). Oh, and there’ll probably be a preponderance of blog-related words centred around the letter B, for obvious reasons.
I can feel you all groaning inwardly and resolving to find something more interesting to read over the next week. Fear not, however, because the thought of self-important articles about blogging nauseates me as much as it does you (and this opinion has got me into trouble on numerous occasions over on my own site). So my intention is that this A to Z will not be serious or po-faced in any way whatsoever not at all not no way and not no how. Innit.
Finally, it only remains for me to ask for your help in this herculean task. Whilst some of the key terms related to blogging are already swirling around in the cesspit of my mind, ready for probing, disseminating and piss-taking on these pages, I would welcome your suggestions too. Particularly if they don’t start with the letter B. I’m not desperate, you understand (no I’m not, really I’m not), but if you would care to leave a comment below, detailing an aspect of the wonderful world of blogging that you would like explained in a way only I can explain it, then I shall reward you with a juicy courgette. Open your mouth, stick out your tongue, and prepare to receive your gift (oh sorry, wrong blog again).
More soon. I’m off to squirt Baby Bio on Graybo’s prize specimens.