July 5, 2004

The good of the game

Football fans who are beginning to suffer withdrawal effects now that Euro 2004 has ended have only a few weeks to pretend to be interested in other sports until the new season begins. And as the BBC’s flagship football programme has secured the rights to show Premiership highlights next season, it’s hello to a new-look, spruced-up, relaunched broadcast: Match of the D.

Former England and Leicester City striker Gary Lineker will be replaced in the role of lead presenter by Acerbia D, whom BBC Sport executives are reported to have described as “cheaper”. BBC director of sport Peter Salmon said: “We are delighted to be able to show Premier League highlights on Match of the D, and when Peter Reid turned us down, we could think of no-one less qualified than Acerbia to present the show.”

“He has discussed the format of the new show with the producers extremely carefully and along with Alan Hansen and Gordon Strachan in the studio, he captures the English essence of the Premiership perfectly. We will be trialling new innovations such as the PunCam from the first show and it’s something we’re all very excited about.”

Rival broadcaster ITV1 were understood to be less than happy at the capture of Acerbia’s signature on a three-year deal to present the highlights package. Brian Barwick, head of ITV sport, refused to go on record but was seen in the North London area conducting a stop-and-search operation on all squirrels across several postcodes in an attempt to locate the new anchorman.

Club managers and professional footballers alike have been unanimous in their praise for the revamped show and its presenter. Sir Alex Ferguson described him as “who?”, Sir Bobby Robson confused him with Shola Ameobi, Arsène Wenger went on record to say that “I have never seen Acerbia in my life”, and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has offered the BBC £25 million plus Joe Cole for Acerbia D’s services in midfield.


15 thoughts on “The good of the game

  1. You’re an evil bastard, and I’ll get you for this. I’ll show you English essence.

  2. Not at all, Mark. Your posts are both informative and entertaining. I was merely trying to kick-start the commenters. Back in the first week of the Uborgy, Doctor Pockless stated that even a Boo! Get off! would have been better than nothing. And he’s the expert.

    Karen on July 5, 2004
  3. I’ve just been shamed into silence by the sheer volume of posts compared to when I was guesting 😉

  4. I’m noticing the interesting trend of people leaving oodles of comments on Mark’s posts and zilch on mine is reproduced here too. Interesting… is it because he’s so much cuddlier than I am?

  5. We’ll get to the bottom of this one day, D.

    Pete on July 5, 2004
  6. I actually am one of the people who thinks football shouldn’t be mentioned. Euro 2004 is now over, and we have – ooh, let me think – over a month until football starts again. It’s wonderful, isn’t it?

  7. Did I ever mention my days as a midfielder for Spittering Athletic? I could have played for Schehova if not for the 1954 uprising.

  8. I get the last laugh though, because I really *have* been signed up to play midfield for Chelsea. Ha-ha, Mark! Take that!

  9. No, D, ‘Take That’ were a band, not a Premiership football team. Oh dear.

  10. I think D is cuddlier than Mark. His resemblance to a teddy bear has been discussed before.

    Karen on July 7, 2004
  11. Look, its a glandular condition okay, and the extra fur is only during the full moon… and…
    I have a gun. Shut up.

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