Hello. I am an administrative assistant for the Powers That Be, and am writing on their behalf.
The Powers That Be wish to express their surprise at your faith in them to alleviate loneliness, financial distress, unemployment and a number of other ailments of which you regularly complain.
They also appreciate your pluck, which some might call blind optimism. By this they are referring to your commitment to drinking like you can afford it.
The Powers That Be wish also to remind you that you have been allotted a number of blessings, mainly in the form of persons with whom you share a familial, fraternal or platonic bond.
Finally, lest you ever descend to the depths of self-pity, the Powers That Be would like to point out that you are not in fact starving, homeless, ill or, as could easily be arranged by the Powers, trapped in a room with nothing but the sound of the male announcer for the Gymnastics events at the Olympic Games.
Once again, we appreciate your participation in Life, and urge you to HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL, OK?
Many fond-ish regards,
The Desk of the Powers That Be