In my experience, particularly when busy, the best way is to stand behind the bar and yell
“What the f*ck do you want to drink, you ravening hordes of b@st@rds?”
Of course, that wouldn’t suit you genteel Uborka sorts. So – in the name of all that’s good and cucumbroid –
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the drinking theme today is …. Sweary. So order now, f*ckbags. They’ll be served at four, half-four ish.”
Thank you.
June 18, 2004
How To… Take Drinks Orders
<soccer hooligan>A f***ing beer!</soccer hooligan>
Please and thank you.
A f***ing huge gin, with not too much f***ing tonic, lots of f***ing ice, and no f***ing straw, PLEASE! F***. Apple. Banana. I’m no good at this swearing business, really I’m piffling not.
Damn. I’ll be on a train to Szombathely when drinks are served. But that’s the beauty of getting your orders in early.
Mine’s a fu*king pint!
Swearing in Spanish is always more picturesque.
“Hijo de mil naranjas, tu madre tiene un bigote.”
(Son of a thousand oranges, your mother has a moustache.)
y un margarita aqu
A pint of Old Rosie please.
*swears quietly and tries to blend in*
What the fruit is with all the asterisks? (asterii?)
Please may I fruitin’ have a fruitin’ pint of fruitin’ Guinness, extra motherfruitin’ cold one if you don’t fruitin’ mind, as I prefer it to the fruitin’ normal draught one. Ohh and gimme fruitin’ bag of peanuts please.
Fruit I’m a right cherry apple when it comes to swearing. Just doesn’t come naturally to a kiwifruit banana like me.
Fruit this is fun, license to swear!!
Motherfruitin applebag banana-y pineapple!!
Bananas, what do I want? It’ll bloody well have to be one of those fruiting CRAPrinhas then.
…and I thought I’d made a mess over on The Clock yesterday.
Goodness me!
Oh my hat!
Give this man a vodka, Prat!
I would like a bloody bloody mary, please.
Fruit.
*clears throat*
Sorry.
I would like a Fruitdriver – it’s like a Screwdriver, only an 18 certificate rather than a 15.
I’ll have a fruiting gin and fruiting lemonade, please!Er, I mean: Give it to me now, melonballsack!
d
Gordo, you are fackin’ loving it, you dirty facker! Three fackin’ posts in a row! Fackin’ superb!
I’ll have a Vodka n’ tonic, cheers.
Fruit you, you slippery tangerine stumblefruit! Mine’s a Violent Fruit. So don’t be a flaming applesultanaface and fruit me up! Adios motherfruiter!
Wash your mouths out with fruit, you filthy motherfruiters.
Go and roger thyself with a cucumber, evil free-speech-hating scum!
Alma meg a ban
Yep. What he said.