M is for Mother
Yes, dear boys. That’s right.
Mother.
Specifically, hers.
Your potential Mother-in-Law.
Also, a fair indication (give or take the odd exception that proves the rule) of what she will become, given 20-30 years.
The Mother is also one of the most important people you will encounter in your “relationship” with the object of your desires, and should be treated accordingly.
One wrong move and you might find your fledgling relationship going downhill faster than an elephant on a tea-tray.
Even if the Dad hates you, the Mother is the one to impress.
No matter how scruffy you look, so long as you’re clean (as in, not ponging badly enough to kill off the plants as you walk up the path) and unfailingly polite, you’re probably in there.
Taking flowers along also works, but it’s probably not wise to try and pull off this move if you’ve never bought your girlfriend flowers.
One final thing – remember, that saucy little minx you’ve been screwing every which way since three weeks last Sunday is her daughter, and as such is pure and unsullied in her mother’s eyes. Rose-tinted spectacles yes – but dislodge them at your peril.
A translation (and handy guide to avoid spec dislodgement):
– don’t grope the girlfriend in sight of her mother
– don’t allude to any of the incredible sexual exploits you’ve had
– while we know that Mothers like to be proud of their daughters, she doesn’t need to know that her darling daughter could suck a golf ball through a mile of hosepipe.
– do not, at any point, give the impression that you’re only in it for the sex
– think flowers, long walks in the parks and poetry. *That* is what the Mother wants to hear you wish to do with her daughter.
Any questions?