April 26, 2004

Girls, a User Guide: Part 1 – B-E

B is for Breasts…
Boobs. Boobies. Bazookas. Bristols. Baps. Breasticles. Bags of fun (and that was without the use of a Roget’s Profanisaurus, which undoubtedly has several more, if you’re so inclined).
Lots of B words for ’em, lots of non B words too.
They all refer to the same thing – the mammary glands of the adult female human. Arriving between the ages of 11-15 they come in pairs and in all shapes, sizes, colours and textures, dependent on such things as genetics and luck.
They can be found attached to the front of the adult female (this is the side that, unless there’s a serious problem, also has the face). Unless they are particularly small, they will be obvious, and are one of the easiest ways to determine if the person you are talking to is of the “girl” variety.
So, here are a few pointers on care and handling of the Breasts.
1. Noticing them in public.
Subtlety is the key here. It is permissable to look and admire a particularly fine pair of breasts, in fact, in certain cases it can be flattering, but one thing to remember is that they should not be your entire focus. If you are close enough to be in conversation with the owner of the breasts, you should concentrate your focus on her face.
If passing a particularly splendid pair in the street, it is acceptable to subtly stare. It is not, however, acceptable to whoop, nudge your mate and crow “Crikey, would you look at the norks on that!” at the top of your voice. This is crass and classless and should rightfully earn you some sort of physical injury.
However, if you are overcome by the need to remark, approaching the female in question and saying something along the lines of “I’m sorry to bother you, but I just had to tell you that you have the most amazing pair of breasts I’ve ever seen” may get you a smile and a thank you, and if you can keep your wits about you, perhaps something more.
2. The approach
Assuming you’ve passed stage one and are given the green light to get close enough to touch.
Approach them gently. Do not reach one hand out, grab whichever one is nearest, squeeze as if you’re testing a melon for ripeness and make a honking noise as you do so. They are to be treated with the utmost respect. Generally the best approach to a clothed breast is to slide the hand up the side, over the ribcage and cup gently.
This is probably best accomplished during a fairly close embrace, when you are certain that you have permission from the female in question. You may feel that you are such a catch that you can walk up to a girl and slide your hand up her side and cup her breasts, but if you choose this particular coarse of action I cannot be held responsible for any physical injury you may sustain.
3. Removing the Bra
Most breasts will be constrained by a brassiere, or bra. These were designed specifically to mess with your heads and to slow down your path to breast heaven.
If confronted with one, check first of all whether it’s a front or back fastening kind. If it’s the back fastening kind, use both hands. There’s nothing worse than going for the one-hander and failing. If you really can’t get the clip, don’t feel ashamed to walk around her, or turn her round and undo the clip. There is no shame in admitting you can’t figure out how to do them, in fact, in some cases it can be endearing and signal that you’re not a slimy lothario.
4. The naked breast
Once the bra has been removed, you have free access to the breast. You can feel free to lavish gently attention on it, running your finger, lips or tongue over it’s soft skin.
You will also notice a darker patch pointing out at you, this is the nipple. For care and treatment of the nipple, please sign at the back for tomorow’s class.
Read on for the next part of today’s lesson.

C is for Clitoris…
This is not a myth.
It’s an actual feature of a woman’s body, and it’s sole purpose is for pleasure. If you’ve ever been to see the Vagina Monologues, you’ll know that it has approximately twice the nerve endings that the penis has.
It’s located towards the top of the Vagina, but if you’re not sure about it’s existence or for more specific assistance in locating it, I suggest that you find yourself a willing partner, get her relaxed and announce your interest in it’s discovery and location and ask her to show you where to find it.
Contrary to popular belief, you will not need a wetsuit and a diver’s helmet, nor will you need a torch and guide ropes. You will however need patience, and to put aside that “I am man. I know best” ego thing and follow her instructions.
The same goes for care and use of the clitoris.
Not sure what to do with it once you’ve found it? – Ask.
Not sure if what you’re doing to it is working? – Ask.
Want to know what she really would like you to do to it? – Ask.
Asking is the key. I guarantee you that it’ll work, and she’ll be very grateful.
D is for Dresses…
Dresses are a single item of clothing, worn (usually) over underwear, with a skirt base.
They come in a variety of configurations, and can cover a lot, or a little of the female body.
When faced with the task of removing a dress, do not panic. These few simple checks can help you immensely.
1. Does it require to be removed entirely? If not, ascertain which half you require access to – the top half or the bottom half and proceed accordingly.
2. If it doesn’t require to be removed and you wish access to the top half, does it have a low and stretchy front which can be pulled down to give you access to the aforementioned breasts. If not, check for the presence of a zip or tie straps.
3. Zips. These are usually located in one of three places – the back, or under one or both armpits, depending on the dress. Your task is to find it and use it.
4. If it doesn’t require to be removed and you wish access to the bottom half, simply push up the skirt. Easy.
5. If it simply must be removed entirely, firstly, check for zips. If no zips are to be found, check for ties, or snaps which require to be undone. If nothing is obvious, you may need to ask, or assist her in taking it off over the head.
6. It is not strictly acceptable to leave the object of your affection with her arms trapped around her ears and face covered by her dress while you tickle or otherwise molest her person. Well, not on a first date anyway.
E is for Ears…
These generally come as a pair and one is located on each side of the head.
Essential for communication, these are best treated gently and with respect. Talk at a reasonable volume and don’t shout when you’re right up close, unless the background noise requires it. Alternatively, guide the object of your affection to somewhere quieter where you can whisper sweet nothings without having to yell them, which loses the effect.
They can also be very sensitive, and react well to gentle kissing or nibbling, particularly in the earlobe area.
However, licking and/or sticking your tongue fully in the ear and swishing it about is likely to get you only physical damage, and will probably make your quarry run screaming.
Now, I think that’s quite enough for this morning’s lesson. Please come back later for the continuation and letters F-H.


23 thoughts on “Girls, a User Guide: Part 1 – B-E

  1. I got bored when we got to the Dresses and Ears, can we go back to the naughty bits please?

  2. It was going so well, but by E you were neglecting your theme. If I were to refer to your guide in order to determine the gender of the species I may mistakenly deduce all so-called “humans” with ears are in fact girls.
    Including myself.
    I earnestly hope that F will redress this oversite before I make any embarrassing public mistakes.

  3. Kind sir, I fear you are in error.
    At no point did I state that this guide was intended to give a method of assessing the girlness (or lack thereof) of an adult human.
    It is, as advertised, a User Guide for those wishing to avail themselves of the many pleasures that those of the female persuasion may provide.
    While I will readily admit that some of the advice may be transferrable for use on those of the boy persuasion, should that be your particular poisson, I do not take any responsibility for any grave error caused by misjudging which advice may be transferred.

  4. A fine parry if I may say so. Your adroit answer begs my apology, which I offer willingly, on velvet pillow. I’d dress it with some fine words pertaining to your Bs, C, D(s) and Es, but having seen none of them it would seem inappropriate.
    Suffice to say, I wish them well.

  5. You ruining it for me. How the hell am I meant to be sleazy after all that.

  6. as a card-carrying Fabulous Girl, i salute you. and by salute, i mean, tell you how much i love your dress and offer you a cosmo.

  7. Good Doctor, your apology and well wishes are received with thanks.
    Adrian, dear Adrian… are you seriously trying to tell me that I’ve managed to render the King of Sleaze un-sleazy? Surely not. It would be such a disappointment.
    Krissa – cheers! (Ooh, I love your shoes…)

  8. The above information proved very useful.
    I have now deduced the mistake I have been making for the past 32 years. The species that I kept trying to chat up had long droopy ears, which they could perk up when excited. The error was mine, regrettably.
    Damn, damn and thrice damn.

  9. See? I knew you could do it.
    Although tits doesn’t begin with B, (or C, D or E for that matter) which would have been far more appropriate.
    5/10. Must try harder.

  10. ‘Harder’? Are you out of your mind? That’s Adrian you’re talking to there.

  11. Is that patting my head or my ‘head’ ??
    (hey you encouraged me don’t complain now)

  12. Your head, of course.
    You don’t get *that* lucky in this lifetime.

  13. I’m amazed to hear any man needs advice on how to use a girl – from what I’ve experienced, they’re all really good at it.

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