April 27, 2004

Girls, a User Guide: Part 2 – F – H

F is for Feet…

Ah feet. Unjustly reviled as icky, nasty, gross and only good for allowing the owner of a pair to wear foxy shoes.

“but feet are all gross and smelly” I hear you cry.

Well, just for you, a way to deal with that eventuality in a way that will gain you brownie points, and not relegate you to sleeping on the sofa for being so crass as to point out that the feet of the object of your affections stink like three week old Edam left out in the sun.

You’re somewhere private, you’ve pulled, congratulations. You’re getting “comfortable”. She may have removed her shoes already, if she hasn’t, here is your chance.

1. Kneel down and remove the shoes. Resist the urge to recoil if her feet smell a little – she’s probably been wearing the shoes all day, and I’d bet good money that your feet aren’t exactly fragrant either. So, take a deep breath, breathe through your mouth, whatever it takes.

2. If she’s wearing hosiery (that’s socks, tights or stockings for the uninformed), then remove these also.

3. Put on some nice music if you haven’t already, light some candles, ditto… (if no candles, dim the lights, or whatever it takes to create a reasonable “mood”) and then tell her you’ll be right back. Adjourn to the kitchen or bathroom, wherever you can find a fairly large bowl, at least something big enough to put both feet in.

4. Find a clean towel (or at least, the least manky you have).

5. Fill the bowl with warm water and (ideally) some scented soapy product. If you are a total bloke and have nothing like this, use some shower gel, or if you don’t even have that, just ordinary soap. Note: It’s very important here that the water is neither too hot nor too cold. If in doubt, dip your elbow in it and adjust accordingly.

6. Carry it carefully back to the room, where she will undoubtedly ask you what you’re doing.

7. Smile, tell her to just relax and enjoy, then place the bowl at her feet and gently lift her legs and put her feet in the bowl.

8. Wash her feet thoroughly and very gently with the soap, then dry them carefully.

Easy. Stinky feet problem solved, and chances are she’s feeling very spoiled by this point, giving you brownie points which you can then turn to your advantage.

As with so many things, if you wish to proceed to kissing, licking or sucking of the feet and toes, ask. It may well save you getting a kick in the teeth, or having her run away screaming in disgust.

Read on for the rest of today’s lesson…

G is for Gifts…

Everyone likes to receive gifts.

However, the advantage gained can be lessened, or in fact, completely wiped out by the wrong gift.

Panic not, a little bit of careful observation can ensure that you avoid this particular pitfall.

Hint #1: There is a vast difference between “cheap” and “inexpensive”.

For example:

Cheap – bunch of manky carnations blackened with exhaust fumes from a garage forecourt.

Inexpensive – single bloom of her favourite type of flower. If you don’t know what her favourite flower is, calculate how much you would have spent on a bunch of garage flowers (typically approx £3) and go for a single exotic bloom of the same value. Extra points if you go for something with a name you’ve never heard of.

Hint #2: Exercise caution when giving “obvious” gifts such as chocolate and stuffed animals.

As in, don’t give chocolate to someone who is on a diet, and if you do give someone chocolate, resist the urge to call her a porker when she eats it all.

The same “cheap” vs “inexpensive” thing works here too – think quality, not quantity. A few small handmade good chocolates far outweigh a box of Roses or Quality Street, and cost roughly the same.

Hint #3: If you’re really broke, but want to do something special, make something. Be it a card, or something more creative. The personal touch is always appreciated.

Hint #4: This one may be a bit tougher for the more oblivious amongst you, but open your eyes and ears – listen to what she says – she’ll drop hints about things that interest her. Similarly, if you’re in a shop, watch what she picks up, examines and then puts back. Chances are it’s something she wants, but thinks it’s too expensive.

Hint #5: Never expect gifts to guarantee sex, or expect it because a gift has been given.

H is for Hair…

This can be a “quick win”, particularly if done sincerely.

It’s very simple. Pay attention. Notice her hair. Particularly, notice if it changes. Remark on it regularly.

Here are some phrases you can use.

“Your hair looks really lovely.”

“Have you had your hair done? It looks really good on you. I liked it before, but this really enhances your eyes/face/cheekbones.*”

*delete as appropriate.

“Your hair feels really soft, I love to run my fingers through it.”

Beware, if you go into rhapsodies, she might think you’re some sort of freaky stalker type person, and run screaming, so moderation is the key here.

Now, it would be very remiss of me to not deal with the subject of body hair.

Most women will deal with underarm and leg hair as a matter of course, however, if you catch someone on an off day, or a time when things have been left unattended for a while, resist the urge to recoil in horror and make remarks about not wishing to shag a monkey.

The bikini line is a different matter entirely, and is dealt with according to personal preference, which is frequently dictated by fashion.

If there is rather too much and you feel like you can’t see the wood for the trees, as it were, carefully push it aside and continue, imagining yourself as Indiana Jones exploring the jungle, if it helps. If you accidentally get some stuck in your teeth, resist the urge to choke and make disgusted noises, just pause for a moment and remove the offending hair.

It’s not life threatening, and you won’t choke, I promise.

If you really feel like there is too much, and you’re feeling brave and have a steady hand, you can suggest a game where you accomplish an agreed amount of deforestation. If you wish to embark upon this course of action, the essential items are:

A brand new safety razor
Lashings of hot water
Lots of shaving foam

However, once more, I should stress that this should be an agreed activity, and communication should be maintained throughout. If in doubt, ask.


12 thoughts on “Girls, a User Guide: Part 2 – F – H

  1. Out of interest, are we (ie U-bloke-rs) going to be tested on this at the end of the week? Should I work out a revision timetable?

  2. Lyle: Not so, if you’ve learned the material, the practical should be achieved without the need for revision.
    If you can’t achieve the practical, then revise you must.

  3. I think cocktail distribution should depend on results achieved in an end-of-week exam.

    Karen on April 27, 2004
  4. Pix:’If you’ve learned the material, the practical should be achieved without the need for revision’
    Does this mean that there is an obvious need for a practical? I mean – if revision, and hence the written exam only takes place after a failed practical…

  5. Not that I would fail the practical.
    Maybe I need a few more lessons first.

  6. I won’t have a problem then since I know Ann inside and out…
    Uh… I mean… wow, nice philtrum, your haircut really makes it look less hairy than it used to.
    Erk… here, how about some partially melted Nestle Crunch? At least I think its Nestle Crunch, it could be peanut-filled poo actually…
    Flower? Lillies.. No, I don’t mean that as a threat, I thought you liked lillies!

  7. <pred>And will there be an oral exam?</pred>

    King Pete on April 27, 2004

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