April 27, 2004

Girls – How to be one. A Beginners Guide. Part one – B-D

In this filthy age, it seems to be a widely held belief that the lady’s wonder-hole is for ‘putting things in’.
Not so.
While things certainly can be put ‘there’ (although only ‘things’ belonging to your husband, ladies, remember…), the main purpose of your ‘blossom-bucket’ is for the storage and safe delivery of little people. Sorry? You at the back? No, not as a hidey hole for leprachauns and midgets.
That’s right..
B is for Babies
That’s right, my cherubs, b is for babies, and I can see you melt a little at the mention of the word. B is for babies, and, as we all, know, Babies are What Girls Are For.
We have the bits for popping them out (‘bits’), the bits for feeding them (‘tits’) and many other bits which probably come in extremely useful too. Although I’m not sure what shins are for. I’m imagining that babies probably like to nip them. They’re a lot like Yorkshire Terriers, you see. In many, many ways. Quite low. Make noises. Have faces. You get the idea. Very similar.
The ‘baby-urge’ (that’s to manufacture/grow them, rather than eat them) apparently sets in full-whack around one’s mid-twenties.
It should be pointed out that the ‘urge’ manifests not in the women themselves, but in everyone around them, particularly elderly relatives and brightly coloured magazines.
It is around this age that holding any baby will draw cries of ‘oooh! that suits you’ (It’s not a hat, you know…), and moving to a flat large enough to swing a cat in will lead to wide family suspicion that you’ll soon be filling the extra space with babies.
It’s simply not true. You’re not allowed to swing babies, you see. Do remember that.
Babies, it must be said, are A Good Thing. They’re useful. They bring with them licence – to be told you’re radiant even when you smell of vomit and look like a heffer, to take up as much of the inner-city pavement as you want with your essential ‘rough terrain’ buggy, to tut at people who believe that they deserve equal seating rights in the pub garden even though they don’t have children, and most of all to Be Quite Smug. And they look cute in nappies and bobble hats. But then, so do terriers.
This is an enlightened age, girls. Remember. You don’t have to start squeezing miniatures out of your glitter-bag if you don’t want to, if you can’t, or, god have pity, if you’re single. You do have choices….

C is for Cats. Oh. And Careers.
Two basic rules here, my angels. Cats are a bit like children. Careers aren’t.
In what way are cats like children? I hear you ask. Did I hear you ask that? Well I heard something, anyway.
Children eat, shit, demand attention, and start pitying you the minute they hit 13.
Cats eat, shit, demand attention, and pity you from the second they lay their eyes on you. This, at least, saves time.
Also, some cats can do tricks with balls, or wool, and catch mice. Children learn to speak and walk and develop personalities and stuff, which is just shit, comparitively, to be honest.
OOOH! Look at the kitten, he can open doors! Amazing! And the basis of much of ITV’s programming schedule, to boot.
Careers are very hard, and mostly down to chance, who your dad knows, and who you manage to have sex with, as far as I can tell.
If you manage to find one that makes you happy and provides enough money for food and shoes, well done, you’ve won. If not?… Well, don’t worry, we all know they’re just for biding time before marriage and babies really, don’t we… Anyone who says they’re not is lying. Yes, I mean you. I can tell by the look in your eyes… And the big stick in your hand. Classic case of denial.
Talking of denial, we’re up to d.
And D is for the Dildo
For those ladies unaware of this handy household friend, a dildo is a plastic or rubber gadget, around the size of a babies arm. Available in several colours, one can mix and match to suit the decor. And importantly, they’re small enough to stick in your apron pocket if the doorbell rings.
Mostly, I would recommend using them for baking. While the rubber model is extremely useful for rolling gingerbread and other biscuits thinly, colder plastic or marble versions are ideal for shortcrust and puff pastry, I find. And certainly preferable to using a rolling pin, which I would generally recommend for sticking up your vage.
Vibrators (battered dildos – dildos with batteries), on the other hand, are perfect for tenderising meat, although that does raise questions about the other thing that some people use them for.
I don’t know what that would be. It’s certainly not ladylike.


7 thoughts on “Girls – How to be one. A Beginners Guide. Part one – B-D

  1. I think I win our argument about whether or not the A thing was confusing or not then.
    (thanks Graybo)

  2. helpful and supportive as ever, dave. You hold a beacon for men all over.

  3. no witty comment here, just wanted to say am loving these posts.

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