April 30, 2004

Girls, a User Guide: Part 3 – I – K

I is for Illegal…

Older than 16 – ok.

Younger than 16 – not.

Rocket science it ain’t.

I is also for Inexplicable…

It’s a girl thing. Accept it and life will be far easier for you.

J is for Jewellery…

This can be a potential minefield.

This is where your powers of observation can win the day.

Look at her. What kind of jewellery does she wear? Does she wear the same pieces all the time, or does she change it to match whatever outfit she’s wearing that particular day?

Also take note: does she wear gold or silver?

If she wears the same pieces every day, you’ve got the hardest job, because chances are she wears them for a reason. You’re either going to have to pick something she doesn’t wear, or find her something very special to replace an item she already wears.

Generally, subtle and tasteful are the watchwords when purchasing jewellery. If you’re going to go big, then you need to really spend a lot of cash.

If you don’t want to spent a lot of cash, then for goodness sake don’t shop at Argos, that Elizabeth Duke logo and cheap plastic box is a dead giveaway.

K is for Kissing…

Everyone has an opinion on this subject. Everyone.

Mostly because pretty much everyone’s done it at some point or other.

So, since there are so very many guides to the art of kissing, I thought I’d provide some advice on what not do to.

1. Slobber.

While saliva is an essential part of the whole kissing process, excess saliva is just, well, gross.

Nobody likes to feel like they’ve been slimed.

If you feel like you’re starting to go all Hooch on a girl, pull back and get your chops under control.

2. Go straight for the tonsils.

Yes, tongues are fun to use while kissing, but if it’s your first kiss (or at least, the first year’s worth of kissing), do try not to aim at her lips with your tongue, and immediately try and touch her tonsils with it.

If you do, she’d be perfectly justified in biting your tongue off, and you wouldn’t like that, now would you?

3. Lick her teeth.



4. Insert tongue and twirl.

Her mouth is not a blender and you’re not making a smoothie. Just don’t.

5. Burp in her mouth

Do I really need to explain this one?

… and finally, it goes without saying that you should at least make an attempt to keep your breath fresh. If you’ve been away from a toothbrush for more than a few hours, or have eaten stinky food, consumed alcohol or smoked, then do feel free to freshen up with some chewing gum.

Note: remove chewing gum before attempting to kiss.

Any questions before we move on to the next lesson?


12 thoughts on “Girls, a User Guide: Part 3 – I – K

  1. It’s okay Adrian – they’re busy. I’m sure they’ll explain it to you again down at the station.

  2. Don’t worry Adrian, I’m sure you won’t have any problems with the illegal thing.
    You’d have to get them not to run away when you come near first 😉

  3. Well too much of the same thing just get boring.
    … and chafes, usually.

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