Fine. He turns up days late and immediately starts lowering the tone. I’d invite him to step outside, but he seems to have Adrian Sleaze Bits on his side and I’m not sure I could take them both at once. As it were. So instead I shall be a foil to his unrelenting torrent of filth and never mind what it says on the door of the ladies in a certain basement club in Soho.

Today then, I’d like to talk to you about virginity. Specifically, the reclaiming of. I’ve reclaimed my own virginity several times (the first time about thirty seconds after I first lost it), and it can be a useful tool in many everyday situations. Claiming to be a virgin works 99% of the time as a way to get instantly rid of a man that won’t take no for an answer. Beware however, because in the other 1% it only encourages them. It is also a handy way of ending any and all conversations as to why you’re not one half of a couple, and is marginally politer than telling them it’s because under your clothes your entire body is covered in scales.

If you want to do this officially, True Love Waits states that from the moment you decide you want to stay sexually pure, you may experience a second virginity. (‘God offers second chances! His forgiveness is a gift. We don’t deserve it, but He offers it to us anyway!’) Tips on how to achieve this include not to lying down together on a floor, couch or bed, and praying together with your partner when you see each other.

It’s hard, I know. But if you ever find yourself wavering, think of the girl that sold hers on Ebay for over £8,000. I don’t know about you, but I’m kicking myself.