In next week’s edition of our hit soap opera, The Cucumbers, it looks like one of our heroes is for the chop as rumours grow that a summer salad is about to prepared … but now on Uborka TV, it’s time for our regular holiday show, Wish You Weren’t There …?, presented by Judith Chalmers (who is sponsored by Orange, for obvious reasons).
“Hello, and welcome to this week’s programme, in which we’ll be exploring one of the lesser-known Greek hideaways – the island of Hiatus.
The natives of the island are known as “bloggers” – small hobbit-like people who don’t get out much. Up until a couple of years ago, they allowed no one to visit, but then the island was taken over in a management coup a year ago by a couple of shady dealers from Fantasy Island Inc. Mr Roarke and Tattoo, as they were known, decided that the island’s future lay in tourism, and chose to open up Hiatus to an exclusive clientele after they discovered (quite improbably) that there was another race of people called bloggers – who also, funnily enough, don’t get out much.
And so it is that these bloggers can now visit the sun-kissed shores of Hiatus to escape from the hectic pace and insane pressure of pouring their hearts out onto the web each day.
You’ll find various themed accommodation on the island, including The Greta Garbo Hotel, aimed at those tired and emotional bloggers for whom it’s all got too much and whose desire is just to be left alone. There’s also the resort known as Cryptic Villas, where the room numbering is deliberately muddled and guests are allowed to sign in under supposedly hilarious assumed names. This particular niche approach is intended for bloggers who have engineered their sudden absence from the web by leaving nothing more than a blank holding page on their website, save for an obscure piece of text. You can also check in to Club 404, an insufferably hip and happening place for bloggers who have deliberately (or sometimes even accidentally) deleted their whole site from the web for the sheer hell of it.
One of the bonuses of staying for a week or two, or even a few months, in the pleasant surroundings of Hiatus is the range of activities on offer. The management are well aware that their guests will be suffering withdrawal symptoms from the endless hours of tapping away at a keyboard, and that distractions will therefore be required.
Looking for things to do with your hands to keep yourself occupied? Well, don’t do that – even if you are on holiday and meant to be enjoying yourself – because it will make you go blind. Instead, why not go to a class in the intriguing knotted art of macramé, as taught by one of the natives? Or there’s Shelf Erecting For Pleasure Not Profit. Not forgetting the ever-popular and oversubscribed Now You’ve Stopped Blogging, It’s Time To Write Your Novel evening class. (Please note that this particular course automatically expires once you’ve written the first page of your predicted masterpiece, thereby encouraging you to give up the whole idea in a massive shrug of overwhelming apathy).
So as you can see, there’s dubious entertainment around the clock. However, if none of those appeal to you, you can choose from our range of bars, all of which are open until the early hours of the morning and allow you to drink yourself into a drunken stupor – at a price. Please note that no laptops are permitted on our licensed premises, for fear that patrons will suddenly feel a desperate need to return to their weblog while under the influence of alcohol.
Packages available on Hiatus include the Non-Committal One Week Breather, the 30-Day I’m Trying To Be Serious About This Blog-Break, the Six-Month Attempted Novel-Writing Retreat, and finally the Sod You, Sod You All, You Complete Bastards, I’m Never Coming Back option (one-way ticket only). Prices start at £2,999.”
I shall not be leaving comments on Uborka for the forseeable future.
Unless you really, really want me to.
“Vaughan will not be rising to this particular bait”
Oh, OK. Go on then …
PLEASE MIKE! PLEASE DON’T GO! PLEASE DON’T STOP LEAVING COMMENTS! WE’RE ALL BEGGING YOU, MIKE! STAY! PLEASE DON’T GO! WE LUUUURRVVE YOUR COMMENTS! WE COULDN’T EXIST WITHOUT THEM! PLEASE – WE WANT YOUR COMMENTS!
Will that do? 🙂
I won’t be writing any content. No matter how much anyone begs.