Hmm. I know that this is a pretty old and tatty copy of the Lexicon that I’m working from here (well thumbed, you might say) and that the binding is wrecked, but who pulled out the F pages and stuffed them in after the Ps?
Well, never mind, on with today’s entry: F is for Flowers.
"But Graybo!", I can hear you all saying, "we know what flowers are and don’t need the Lexicon to tell us!" Well, speaking as an expert in my field (I’ve got my laptop on a very long extension cable), I can say that a lot of people are confused in this matter, so I’ll do my best to make things clearer.
When it comes to gift-giving to your amour, it is important to remember that flowers are not merely limited to blooms. In some circumstances we can include cut foliage, potted plants, cacti and bonsai specimens.
It is also important to remember that, as with so many other things in the field of luuuurrvve, size matters. Since the charity annoyances got in on the act, to give your loved-one a single red rose is most definitely passé.
You can also go to the opposite extreme:

This chap is clearly just showing off. And with a ‘tache and dress sense like that, he really isn’t going to get far. Any lady who was to receive this plant as a gift would soon find her friends telling her that she needed to trim her bush, something which one would never want to be told in polite company.
One should also be careful of coded meanings in the choice of flowers in a bouquet. To receive a bunch of white calla lilies would be a clear sign that the relationship was dead. However, if you were to receive a bunch of jolly yellow chrysanthemums from a French paramour, you might not realise that they are trying to give you the same message – to the south of the English Channel, yellow chrysants are the bloom of death. But then we have already established that the French are confused.
Of course, the best sort of bouquet is expensive, contains exotic flowers and has been carefully crafted by a top florist. Learn your paramour’s favourite colours, or select flowers that match his or her eyes. Do not, under any circumstances, nick flowers from graves or, worse still, buy them in a service station – by this means have many relationships failed.
And, if you really want to impress, you can always go phallic: