There is a saying; ‘ladies first’.
This is clearly only applicable in sexual situations with three or more participants, so for the purposes of today’s post we shall have to adapt it to ‘lady first’.
Sexual intercourse, or ‘fruiting’, is a beautiful emotional and physical meeting of beings on many psychological, sociological and unhygienic levels, and should not be undertaken lightly.
Men…boys…gentlemen.
Something has to be said at this point.
When it comes to sex, we are not to be trusted. Deep inside each nice civilised boy there is a primeval neanderthal who cares not for social niceties or considerations of biology or physique, and it is our heavy task to suppress this demon-like caveman at every turn, to ignore his base urges and ascend to a higher plane of sexual consideration and sensitivity.
Ignore what your body tells you, and instead pay attention to any hints your lady may have dropped on the long road to dropping her underwear. While she will almost certainly push for sexual relations to begin from an early stage of the relationship, do not ignore these requests completely but in the act of playing hard to get, take note of what your lady wants. This way when that special occasion comes along, you have had time for a suitable level of research.
In the transcendence of your own base physical urges lies the great advantage that sexual intercourse is no longer a source of pleasure. It becomes a mere token; a playing piece in the game of snaring your lady for good and luring her into serious commitment.
Such fruitful advice.
Am I to assume that this connection to fruit is where the phrase ‘to pick one’s cherry’ comes from, then?
Are you saying that following this advice will turn even the most brazen, fruit-loving woman into a committed, loving partner? That’s where married men have been going wrong, then!
Fruit off, Dave.
Fruit off dave? That sounds decidedly dodgy.
Can I ‘ave some vodka with that fruit?
I always said Dave was a fruit …
It wasn’t meant to be a true and honest attempt at swearing, Mr. Lyle, honest. Miss Karen went back and edited all the naughty bad words out of the comments to our cocktail orders.
She doesn’t want people googling uborka for F*CK you see, because those kinds of people are riff raff, and they smell of rain. But people who google looking for sites about fruit are wonderful fine upstanding human beings, even if they have a fruit fetish.
I love the smell of rain. And, if you ask me, Karen is the one with the fruit fetish.
Or vegetables.
Now thats just plain rude.
And without *any* swearwords!