June 21, 2004

Venus: Dating

Perhaps you’re under the impression that dating is a complicated, delicate jeux a deux. That’s where you’re wrong. Here’s the wonderful thing about being a woman – you’re pretty much completely in charge.

When those Martians (via methods and technologies we’re steadfastly refusing to discuss at this moment in time) came a-courtin’, perhaps they thought they had it all figured out. They’ve investigated the latest trends in desirable Martian-wear, they’ve done background research on our exciting careers and are more than prepared to discuss the more intimate aspects of feminism and child-rearing with us.

Whereas you really just want them to shut up and start with the kissyface. This puts you in a complicated situation, however, because you do not want to appear like you don’t care about their opinions. They are men, you know, not beasts. Well, at least, they don’t want you thinking of them as beasts. But we sort of do, don’t we. Let me illustrate what men think we talk about on those shared bathroom breaks and during cupcake happy hours:

Female A: “I don’t know what to do about ____.”
Female B: “Why, problems in the bedroom?”
Female A: “Well, he’s not much good, but who cares about THAT. I know he’s interested in being 70% Emotionally Present, but I’m really worried about his mother issues. Will he ever Commit?”
Female B: “I’m nodding sympathetically. Let me tell you about the six hours I spent evaluating two lines of an email from my current Husband Project.”
Female A: “Men, honestly.”

This is completely wrong. Let me demonstrate what women really talk about:

Female A: “So, how is he?”
Female B: “Well, he’s really friendly and charming. He’s got a great summer place and he loves animals.”
Female A: “So are you still seeing him?”
Female B: “I had my secretary tell him I’m out of town. Permanently.”
Female A: “Why?”
Female B: “Well, he kisses like a Hoover on Manic Repeat Cycle and he has this annoying habit of holding both breasts at the same time.”
Female A: “Who has time for that. There’s better out there.”
Female B: “Carpe Dick, dude.”
Female A: “I’m nodding sympathetically.”

See the point? Women, you know what you want. You want the kissyface. And the best of the rest. You want the action. Dinner and a movie is really just something you sit through until you can test-drive the merchandise.

As such, try not to yawn too much when he’s asking you probing questions or listening carefully to your ideas. He feels the need to prove his mettle in this manner – allow him to be Sensitive and Worthy before you drag him off to any manner of bedroom. But don’t let him spend the night unless he’s good at cooking breakfast.


12 thoughts on “Venus: Dating

  1. great. my worst nightmare. no one likes my first uborka post. shall go drown head in bucket of water now.

  2. Hang on a sec, what’s wrong with holding both breasts at the same time?

  3. Don’t tease me like that … you can’t throw something like that out there and then just leave us blokes hanging.
    I want that statement qualified please.

  4. while i cannot speak for all women the wide world over, i think i can say the following with some certainty. we, of course, love every single thing you manly men do to our breasts.
    excluding: being tuned like a radio. being kneaded like stubborn pizza dough. BEING SUCKLED LIKE A MOTHER IN THE WILD. slurping noises. poking at them like they’re specimens. and often, not always but often … being held with both hands and squeezed appreciatively, as if this was, in fact, THE MOST IMPORTANT part of a woman’s body and you’ve succeeded in isolating our ONLY CRUCIAL ELEMENTS.
    this makes you look silly and makes the rest of us feel ignored.
    anyone and everyone can feel free to disagree with me.

  5. Bugger. No wonder I’m crap in bed. You women should come with a manual.

  6. You mean to say…Adrian, seriously, no.
    You didn’t get a manual?
    Shit, man, how have you coped?

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