June 22, 2004

Venus: Sex

Sex for women is a complicated, emotional thing. We must understand that it is not our personal climax that is the most important, but rather how well we connect with our lovers and enjoy the mutual pleasure of being blah blah bollocks blah
What are we, MARTIANS?
Listen, you know how there are Two Things about everything? Well, women are pretty simple, straight-forward creatures, so there are Two Things about sex that every woman knows and obeys.
1. Get off. Every time. Leave it to men to worry about whether or not you’re connecting emotionally. That’s just because they’ve never had one of our bases-loaded home-runners. Men may get off every time, but we get off the PLANET. Ladies, we all secretly know it’s true. In a to-the-death-match, female screamers would have male grunters TKO while the bell was still ringing. and ringing. and RINGING. so none of this namby-pamby take-one-for-the-team malarkey. We get on top, or on bottom, or off the couch, or swinging from the flipping chandelier if we have to. Don’t take “I have a headache” or “You never talk abour your childhood” for an answer. You get in there, you get out there, and you get OFF.
2. ……
Actually, there was only one thing all women know about sex. But some major notables include: Don’t let him think sex automatically means love, a ring, or that house in the Hamptons. There’s also It DOESN’T happen to every guy so why are you with the one it does? and my personal favourite…It’s not exclusive unless he’s holding the key to your handcuffs.
Now you know what it’s like to have sex. Like a woman. So why are you still reading this?!


13 thoughts on “Venus: Sex

  1. they still don’t know how we take bras off under our shirts, estee. we’re safe.

  2. I have spent many fruitless hours trying to do it and I just can’t work it out.

  3. I wouldn’t say *fruitless* Dave.
    Two reasons…one, you obviously quite enjoyed the challenge, and two….psssst…don’t mention fruit….

  4. ‘Twas an intentional use of the word, Stuart. While I was trying to do it, I most definitely wasn’t engaged in fruiting, therefore the time was fruitless.

  5. great – uborka this week is going to be a minefield of double entendres..!
    in my comment i was going to say ‘great post – keep ’em coming’, but then that’d just be askng for trouble wouldn’t it? (and by trouble i mean inviting sleazy comments. and by sleazy comments i mean setting adrian up to make one.)

  6. I don’t know. One minute it’s GET OFF, the next it’s GO ON!
    Now I don’t know what to think.

  7. of course not, adrian dear. you’ll do it on your own, because you want to. there, there.

  8. As long as it’s clear that it’s because I want to … and not because you are tricking me into anything.

  9. never, poppet. you’re far too clever for trickery, of course.

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