Dear Karen,
We were horrified to learn that your last meeting with us left you somewhat traumatised.
We hope you will not let a few of our less hospitable inhabitants discourage you from visiting us again. Please allow us to apologise on their behalf.
The spider must not have received the tourism board memo, although that is no excuse because the sharks and snakes did make themselves obligingly scarce.
We know that we house some of the most dangerous and unpleasant creatures in the world, but Queenslanders aside, most of us really aren’t that bad.
If you can find it in yourself to see us again one day, we will ensure that you are met by our most charming tour guides and your very own broom handle as a welcome gift.
Yours sincerely,
Australia.

*see john howard? it’s not that hard to say. try it. sorry. sorr-rree. ok, now you practise while i go round up the indigenous community ok? sorry. sorry. there’s a good boy.