You will forgive me for serving cocktails with one eye closed today; I am half-asleep owing to staying up until 1am watching The Sopranos and eating pork pies, and then being woken by my child at 5. The vague idea behind bring-a-friend cocktails was to avoid any accusations of cliqueyness; while it’s lovely to reunite the old gang, there are new characters in our midst who might find it all a bit strange.

Onesuch guest, who has been persuaded (apparently after a little stiffener in the lobby) to join us, is K. K has been famous behind the scenes of Troubled Diva for a long, long time; is warmly remembered in Casa Uborka for teaching Bernard to pretend to smash an egg on his head; and has recently taken up butchery. It is therefore appropriate that he is drinking a cocktail with a human toe in it. This appears to have set a grisly and disgusting scheme for the afternoon. His friend, of course, is Original Mike, whose in-depth interview will be appearing in these hallowed pages next week: keep your eyes peeled! We are adding his Cowboy Martini to our collection of martinis, started last week by Lori. If you need to know, this is gin, sugar syrup, orange bitters and mint leaves.

The good Doctor Pockless is back this week, and we are forcing him to be friends with Lyle. To save time, I have mixed Pockers’ Monkey Brains (Baileys and peach schnapps) and Lyle’s Mind Eraser (vodka, kahlua, butterscotch schnapps and soda) in the same mixer. It couldn’t make them any worse.

In sicknote corner, we have Sevitz and Krissa. Krissa has invented a new cocktail for both of them, and we shall call it a Krissa, because we’re imaginative like that: the hot toddy with cough syrup. Delicious. For no good reason than that if they’re not in sicknote corner now, they will be soon, I have paired up Gert and Pixeldiva. Gert because she is eating out of date tinned sardines, and Pix because she’s planning a trip away, which usually presages illness. So they might as well get it over with.

I should think we will all be singing in the rain this weekend, if only because Ding Dong is such a bloody persistent earworm. Another Mike’s cocktail is another vile mix that could go in the Pockless shaker, featuring Tia Maria and amaretto. Mike’s another relative newcomer to the cocktail hour, famous for science and childminding. His assigned friend is Stuart, whose cocktail sounds delicious; I’ll be having two of those.

And to mop up, I wasn’t sure if Kate’s request was actually a cocktail, but a quick google reveals that a cleanse is really a thing, and sounds rather jolly, so I think I’ll have one of those as well, and I’ve ordered one for absentee Pete (could it be that he has work to do, or is he sulking because I ran out of bread and didn’t make him a packed lunch today).

Finally and appropriately, I’d like to raise a toast to absent friends: Asta, who is doing a Neil Kinnock today.