Today’s cocktails are being hosted in the children’s section of the library, which is furnished with lots of lovely squashy cushions on the floor and decorated with huge posters of The Gruffalo. We’ve banished the kids, of course.

We have a great collection of storybooks for you, and it’s fabulous that everyone’s made such an effort with the fancy dress. Okay, not quite everyone: Gordon has come as the drunk uncle Weasley, from Harry Potter, apparently unsure whether or not he has a wizard for an illegitimate son; and Lyle has come as Sevitz. We do however love his suggestion of Hemingway’s Death In The Afternoon as a cocktail. Champagne and absinthe, ladies and gentlemen; what’s not to like?

Also in the Not Really Trying category we have that stalwart of literary critique,the good Dr Pockless. Some of you may remember his teasing of the GCSE students, with long but wholly inaccurate discussions of poems featuring on the eng lit syllabus. These days, with a son of nearly-one, his most incisive comment is the not-wearing of a hat. As always, his is a pint. He’s joined by the Great House-Hunter Sevitz, who chose a good book but is another one adopting Bernard’s approach to fancy dress: any character who can get away with jeans and a t-shirt. Bernard went to the World Book Day fancy dress at school as Peter from the Secret Seven, and to the Famous Person fancy dress as Brian Cox.

Now here’s a proper effort: K has come as the Marvellous Mr Toad, complete with Harris Tweed suit and driving goggles. Poop Poop! And his velvety softness Mike is quite indistinguishable from an actual peach. Have you met the sartorially excellent little mouse krissa? That’s another bottle of champagne and another one of absinthe for you, but please don’t let K drive home.

Stuart has picked one of the many storybook characters I had a crush on, Sparrowhawk from the Wizard of Earthsea. Don’t worry, krissa, I’ve come as the Snorkmaiden, so am in quite the wrong genre to fancy him today, though I have to say that your interview on Tuesday brought a pang of adoration to every Uborkan who read it. My own adorable one has come as the BFG, towering above us much as usual, with his dorrup of frobscottle.

Asta is Eloise, a precocious six year old who lives at The Plaza Hotel. Eloise didn’t ring a bell until I did some further research, and then I remembered having a little hardback copy of this that my grandfather gave me. Excellent choice, and appropriate drink!

Swooping overhead, Clair is on her broomstick, having finally got her sports bra fastened. How she’s keeping that brandy alexander upright I do not know. Mad Hatter Mark has just let on that it’s S’s birthday, and ordered cupcakes all round. All imaginary cupcakes look like they have been drawn by Lauren Child, and contain crazy Willy Wonka-ish ingredients like edible fireworks and the flavour of a peppered moth’s dreams.

Sorry, too much absinthe. Where were we? Who let that bloody dog in here?

Edit: And they all lived happily ever after.