If you look at my nose in profile, it has a kink in it. Like, it starts at a nice, level decline, and then about halfway through, jerks off at a 45-degree angle. As a small child, I remember hating it. I’ve always had a thing for symmetry, and my nose seemed to fly in the face of this.
Showing perhaps a disturbing childhood flair for body modification, I used to spend hours every day pushing the front of my nose towards my face, thinking that if I did it long enough, eventually my nose would get with the program and be one kinkless run from start to finish.
Despite many hours looking like an idiot, it didn’t work. I did, however, discover that I can induce sneezing by pushing down very hard on my nose, and that sneezing in and of itself is not entirely unpleasant. In fact, I used to stimulate sneezing just for the sensation of it. A friend once told me that sneezing is one eighth of an orgasm. Having sneezed eight times in rapid succession, I can definitively say that this is not at all true (maybe my friend had very mild orgasms, the poor thing), but there is something orgasmic about a nasal explosion, so perhaps my nosegasms as a young child were my first form of pre-pubescent masturbation.
But not my last.
I probably had over a thousand orgasms before I reached puberty, before I even knew what an orgasm was. I got them from climbing poles. You know, those poles that are in playground forts? From ages 9-12, I was a pole-climbing freak. As soon as the bell would go to indicate the end of lunchtime, I’d rush to the playground and quickly climb the fort’s pole, which would induce an orgasm. I didn’t understand why pole-climbing felt so good, it just did. I never spoke to anyone about it, perhaps instinctively understanding that you probably shouldn’t be getting so much pleasure from a long metal rod (ahem). I’ve never met any other men who describe a similar childhood experience, so I don’t know if what I was doing was abnormal, or a fairly routine part of growing up.
The pole-climbing stopped abruptly apon reaching High School age (my high school didn’t have a fort), so puberty onset with me still ignorant that I’d been masturbating daily for over three years. Then one day, as these things happen, I had a considerably messier experience, and that’s when I put two and two together and figured out exactly what that sensation was…..about 60 seconds later mighty waves of Catholic guilt came crashing down on me and it wasn’t until earlier this year (when I read that masturbation prevents prostate cancer) that I finally excised it completely.
I now masturbate guilt-free, and pole-free. I still cross my legs though 😉
d
A certain stepmother I know, who shall remain completely nameless, used to stick my little sister’s ears back with plasters, because they protuded like jug handles on either side of her poor little head.
Talking of body modification, last night I had the brilliant idea of getting a barcode tattoo. Is that possible, does anyone know?
Did your stepmother’s plan actually work?
My friend Manuel has a barcode tattoo on his neck, and I think if you ran a scanner over it he registered as a packet of condoms- I never saw proof of this, and frankly given the way ice-cream packets never scan properly, I doubt his knobbly head is very conducive to lasers, either.
d
You want a barcode tattoo? Perhaps you’d like to borrow my Dead Kennedys records as well.
I have seen several people with barcode tattoo’s so it’s possible.
The one I saw was on a girl and was for “Free Range Eggs”.
I’m thinking of getting a tattoo possible maybe too. Maybe not. Not a bar code though.
You should totally get sevitzdotcom tattooed somewhere.
But the words SEVITZ DOT COM are usually applied to breasts, are they not? And Adrian doesn’t really have any of those.
You can’t tattoo your own name on yourself. That’s dumb.
I saw a girl with Kirsty tattoo on her shoulder. I presumed it was her name. It looked dumb.
What if you bump your head and can’t remember who you are? Look at the bottom of your foot: sevitzdotcom. Go to website- explains who you are!
I’ll take that risk.
Adrian, you should offer a cash prize to the girl game enough to have sevtizdotcom tattooed across her breasts.
karen – the barcode thing not only works, it also scans on barcode readers. i suggest branding yourself for something very expensive. like, say, five jaguars. or brunei.
Dan, no one is that stupid.
And it would have to be tattoo in braille.