You are cordially invited to join us for cocktails, this afternoon between 4 and 5 pm.
Letters of acceptance may be forwarded through the usual methods.
We look forward to seeing you,
Pete & Karen Uborka
R.S.V.P.
August 20, 2004
Dear Friends
Debrett’s advises that:
“a formal invitation requires a formal reply. This must be written by hand, in ink, on headed paper and in the third person”
One would find it rather difficult to adhere to convention and still have one’s reply arrive in time. My apologies, I hope that this will suffice:
Mr. Adrian McEwen thanks Lady Karen Uborka and Lord Pete Uborka for their kind invitation to cocktails on Friday 20th August 2004 and has much pleasure in accepting. In keeping with his “Lost Consonants” theme, Mr. McEwen would request a pit of beer.
Dear Sir and/or Madam(s)
For many years now I have been participating in your weekly cocktail event, and I felt it time that I expressed my gratitude in writing. Your provision of free beverages has been a pleasant diversion for which I have seldom said more than “ta” or “cheers” which though appropriate enough to the tone of the event, perhaps does not properly convey our appreciation of the effort involved from our hosts and bartenders.
I would be the first to admit that over time my requests have become unadventurous. For the most part I have ordered a pint where I could have had a Long Island Tequila Tulip. This arguably reflects on my own tastes, but I have endeavoured, where possible, to order within the confines of the given theme and with due regard to register.
It is for this reason that in closing I can think of no better means of communicating my desires on behalf of my will to become inhebriated in advance of the weekend, than to say here emphatically and without equivocation, “mine’s a pint.”
Yours somewhat predicatably,
Doctor Pockless
Orthodox Piss-Artist & Man of Letters
P.S. Can I have a vodka chaser with that? Ta!
Dear Kar’n’Pete,
I would like a cocktail please. My wife won’t let me drink in the house any more because I drank too much on holiday (she says). I’m thinking of swapping her for a Brandy Alexander. Perhaps you can help.
Yours in sobriety,
Robin the Temperant.
To Whom It May Concern
The Uborka Corporation
The Web (Somewhere)
Mr. Sevitz has been given permission by work operations to enjoy and imbibe a cocktail drink. It is requested that you serve him “The Feminist“.
Note: No one has commented on the The feminist cocktail yet… . Just as well I think.
If Mr Sevitz gets rowdy or annoying please note you should call him “A Prick” and do with him as you wish. This has been known to happen in the past and it’s best to take a harsh line with him.
Yours Sincerely
sevitzdotcom Corporation Black Ops & Feminist Division
High above the impenetrable jungle of Hertfordshire, a bird flies, its alert eyes scanning the horizon for possible danger, food or mates. Behind it, an aeroplane containing a man in a red flying helmet with a truly regrettable mustache and a beige dog splutters and groans under the undesirable weight of what appears to be a large sledgehammer.
“Stop the pigeon!” screams the insane pilot, but it is too late, the bird swoops and dives into the trees, landing neatly upon a specially prepared perch, where a small robotic arm carefully removes the message from around its leg and feeds the paper though a small device.
“You’ve got mail!” trills the laptop beside it – powered by the incredible power of a few fermented bananas – and the MI5 agent (immaculate in full dinner jacket suit and tie despite the stifling heat and humidity of the jungle) leaps upon this vital missive from the outside world. He replies:
Long have I awaited such a delicately phrased and truly unignorable invitation. I would wax more lyrical on the subject, but I doubt I could fit more text on the pigeon. I will be there, and would have a double-vodka and coke.
Neither shaken or stirred.
Faithfully yours,
Stark. Starkity Stark, 00892
Licensed to give people dead arms.
Thx 4 invt. Plsd 2 accpt. Ill hv wht thyr hvin.
Dear Sir/Madam
As I shall be attending a scuba-dive meet tomorrow on the glorious South Coast of our beloved Sceptic Isle, I shall require my normal Smirnoff Blue to be of the decaffeinated variety.
Else I may find myself upchucking through the regulator which, though it attracts fish in great quantities, leaves a taste in the mouth which is impossible to remove until surfacing.
Thereafter, I shall get royally slaughtered. (There’s nothing like swallowing dry air for an hour or two to give one an unslakeable thirst).
Yours faithfully
Mr.D.
Dear Sirs
WITHOUT PREJUDICE
Further to your letter of the 20th inst, and notwithstanding any further developments of which you have not made this company or our client (hereafter referred to as “Graybo”) aware, we should like to advise you that Graybo has instructed us, forthwith, to request that you provide, without let or hindrance, at the earliest available opportunity, and free of any charge or obligation upon either ourselves or Graybo, one large glass of the finest vodka mixed with Indian tonic, served in a ratio of two parts vodka to five parts tonic, and augmented by two ice cubes, each to be 1.72cm along each side, and one standard slice of fresh lemon. Graybo expects to collect this item from uborka.nu no later than 5pm today, and shall seek redress by whatever means available in the event of late delivery or non-delivery of the above mentioned item.
Yours faithfully,
Fred Snurge
Bucket, Bucket, Bucket and Space
Solicitors and Notary Public.
My dearest Pete and Karen,
Please accept my most sincere gratitude for the delightful, though not entirely unexpected, invitation to join with you in imbibing an alcoholic beverage.
Naturally, I accept you invitation and, having deliberated and cogitated long and indeed hard, would request a pint with which my thirst can truly be quenched.
Yours
ClearBlue Dave
DEAR KAREN AND PETE GIVE ME COFFEE WITH WHISKEY PLEASE THANK YOU SEE YOU AT DRUNKTIME LOVE KATE
Dear K&P,
Further to the earlier communications, and my lack of prior responses, would it be out of order for me to request a Sloe Crush as per last week’s experience at Santa Fe?
Many thanks
Sincerely
Lyle.
—
Dear Santa Fe,
Please supply the recipe for a Sloe Crush to Karen and Pete forthwith.
Lyle