Statistics claim that the Labour party have created an average of three new criminal offences per day since they came into power. As we all know, statistics can rarely be trusted, but the point is not lost. We have a lot of laws. We have so many laws that it is impossible for one person to know about all of them, which makes it very hard for them to stick to them.
I propose that we start from scratch, with the Uborka Law Directory, in which we shall start from the drawing board and see if we can come up with a minimal selection. You may find this site helpful.
1. Murder is a crime. A nice easy one to start with.
2. All football team colours should be pastels, or be decorated with images of pretty flowers and bunnies. This will do wonders for hooliganism.
3. Standing still for too long is a crime, unless you have a good reason to be there. Don’t loiter. Find something to do.
4. Theft is a crime. Theft is defined as taking something from someone that does not belong to you.
5. Creating new criminal offences in order to narrow or broaden the definition of “theft” is a crime.
6. Driving a dirty monstrous SUV when your needs do not require it is a crime. If you need the “loadspace”, get a Volvo estate.
7. Scooping snow off of the top of my car for snowballs is a crime. That’s MY snow. Fuckers.
February 25, 2005
Law and Law. Order if you’re lucky.
2 is classic. I love that.
Not so keen on 6.
You cant prove anything.
1. Murder is a crime. A nice easy one to start with.
Define “murder”.
2. All football team colours should be pastels, or be decorated with images of pretty flowers and bunnies. This will do wonders for hooliganism.
Efficacy doubted. Hooligans did not even wear team colours until relatively recently.
3. Standing still for too long is a crime, unless you have a good reason to be there. Don’t loiter. Find something to do.
Define “too long”. Define “good reason”.
4. Theft is a crime. Theft is defined as taking something from someone that does not belong to you.
Too wide.
5. Creating new criminal offences in order to narrow or broaden the definition of “theft” is a crime.
See 4.
6. Driving a dirty monstrous SUV when your needs do not require it is a crime. If you need the “loadspace”, get a Volvo estate.
Define “dirty monstrous”. Define “needs”.
7. Scooping snow off of the top of my car for snowballs is a crime. That’s MY snow. Fuckers.
Agreed.
You may note that “stapling Charles Clarke’s nose to a pitbull” was not in the list that I proposed.
Can I please have more clarification on 4. Is it the thing that doesn’t belong to you, or the person? If it is the person, does that mean that it is okay to take things from a person, if the person belongs to you? How do you establish whether or not the person belongs to you? Isn’t all property theft anyway? And does Charles Clarke belong to homeoffice.gov.uk? And if he does, does that make him a sort of celebrity? In which case you shouldn’t discourage him by stapling his nose to a pitbull. Behaviour appropriate to Jake Piranha is a crime.
Thanks for the clarification, Karen, now I’m not sure I even understand what a “theft” is.
But, enough of the asides, I really stopped to agree with number 7. As little snow as we get where I live, I even resent people walking on my snow, much less scooping it up for themselves.
HAHA at 6. I KNEW Adrian wouldn’t like that one!!
Some more for consideration:
– stopping dead in the middle of the pavement whilst people are walking behind you and THEN glaring at ME!
Er.. and some other things that annoy me, like cigarettes and prejudice etc etc
Ah, Gordon, I too hate ‘Cigarettes and Prejudice’. Yet another thought-out attempt to cash in on poor old dead Jane Austen.
I dunno, it was much better than ‘Sense and Mild Green Fairy Liquid’.
8. Talking unnecessarily* volubly into a mobile telephonic apparatus. Double jeopardy points if this transgression is committed on packed public transport.
* yeah, I know, define “unnecessarily”. A quorum of three fellow passengers should do it?
9. Having a mobile telephonic apparatus ringtone which clearly defines the tw@ operating said apparatus.
10. Oh, time to give someone else a go…
10. Being Scum (regularly on my bus)
Being Adrian (regularly on his bus).
Hey someone’s gotta stuck up for the scum of the earth! Well someone OTHER than Ms Burchill…