June 23, 2004

Venus: Arguments

Look, the sad fact of the matter is, even the most free-wheeling, man-eating happy single gal out there will eventually find that apartments are cheaper for two serious relationships are worth the effort.
But oy VEY how much effort? The “talks” and the “hand holding” and the “meeting the family”. And to add insult to injury, you’re not even getting laid nearly as often. The average single woman can and should get laid at least four times a week. Often men, who constantly seek sexless committed reassurance, can settle for once a month. This is obviously a problem that can be solved by A. convincing him that S&M is the appropriate lifestyle for you and immediately bagsying the Dom role or B. grinding up Viagra into his drink.
But medicated constant horn or whips-and-chains aside, every reluctantly bound red-bloooded female will stumble upon the aspect of Committed that can have you want to BE committed: arguments. Instead of trying to parse the complicated and onion-like layers of insecurity, need, dependence, and fragility that is the male mind … I’m going to give you the crib notes. Memorise the following responses.
Him: “I’m feeling like you don’t listen to me.”
You: He wants you to like his opinions and laugh at his jokes. The fast-track to solving this is gently asking him to pull up his poetry work from college, because you’ve always thought it was so beautiful. Then mentally rearrange your shoe closet while you listen – this should give you the appropriately concerned and probing facial expression.
Him: “Can I leave my shaving gel in your medicine cabinet?”
You: Much like female insects that poop on their desired mate’s food to let everyone know who belongs to whom … well, your man is pooping in your medicine cabinet. Unfortunately, if you don’t agree, he will take it as a sign that you’re Pushing Him Away and then he will start to withhold sex. Avoid this. Instead, generously offer him the shelf that’s, let’s face it, a little too tall for you. This should buy you at least five good shags and a cooked meal. Slowly start reclaiming the shelf in three to seven weeks’ time.
and lastly, the absolutely worst –
Him: “It’s important to me that you get along with my mother.”
You: What I’d like to say is run, but if you’ve gotten this far, he obviously gives great head, so the best I can do is … pretend to be a cheerleader. Remember those girls? They smiled at EVERYTHING? They liked EVERYONE? Okay. When you go to spend time with his mother, smile like you’ve just been botoxed within an inch of your life. Or, get botoxed within an inch of your life. Helpful hint: While getting completely slammed at happy hour with your pals seems like a good way to prepare for his mother, it’s in fact the worst thing you could possibly do. Try the botox. Or Zanax. Just smile and ask to see baby pictures. Then get bonkered on martinis.
I’m confident that using avoidance, occasional head, and the ever-useful Simpering Face of Affection and Repentance, you should be able to sidestep ever really discussing anything painful or annoying with your Steady Shag.


21 thoughts on “Venus: Arguments

  1. Simpering Face of Affection and Repentance?
    How many of these named expressions are there? Do women have one to suit any occasion?

  2. Probably both, Adrian. It’s more efficient that way and helps to create an air of mystery.

  3. four times a day? o guru, teach me how i, too, can achieve such glories of singlehood.

  4. Why would you want to stay with such a simpering fool? Regular shagging aside, of course. But then he sounds too annoying even given that.

    michael on June 23, 2004
  5. mars/venus aside? if you ever call my sweet baboo a simpering fool ever again you will face the wrath of a certain pink baseball bat of style and doom.

  6. Oooooh the claws come out.
    I might call him a simpering fool just to get the pink bat.

  7. Maybe that’s why you’re single Adrian – you’re just too kinky for your own good!

  8. Michael; the only reason I’m not commenting in the way I really think your comment deserves is that Pete and Karen would probably get annoyed having to delete several hundred comments containing just;
    …upon their return.
    *shakes head in disbelief*

  9. Ah, my mistake. I think I got you mixed up with someone on another thread, somewhere.

  10. i think he thought this was the sort of establishment where you could mock one of our own. he was very clearly in the wrong. WE’RE the only ones allowed to mock our own.

  11. Subtle, Mr. D, but I like it.
    K: I think we’re an open mocking forum, but, mocking one of our own when they’re in the process of some pretty overt mocking themselves…that takes some doing…

  12. i’m glad you caught it, d darling. did it just for you.
    and because contrasting “sweet baboo” with “baseball bat skull crushing” is funny to me.

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