December 5, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2021

The year is 2028. Boris sits behind his desk and solemnly announces that he has no choice but to declare a 17th national lockdown. He reassures us that if everyone follows the rules then the end is in sight.4 January 2021

I clearly got some aspects of this prediction wrong.

In two months time, every advert you watch will be a sea shanty. Just checking you were ready for that.14 January 2021

Ah yes, the Wellerman Era.

Streeeetch… #Henry
15 January 2021

Henry, for all his flaws, was at least a good lap-sitter.

When I push my chair back I can feel the sun on my face and it’s glorious12 February 2021

My home office catches the sun very nicely in the morning.

I am eating the most amazing burrito in the world. It contains mexican pork, rice, cheese, two different hot sauces, and thinly sliced pork pie.19 February 2021
You want one, don’t try to pretend otherwise19 February 2021

Well that ending caught me by surprise.

I don’t understand why The Good Old Boys would be showing up to a gig at Bob’s Country Bunker after all the punters have already gone home for the night.27 February 2021

It makes no sense. Immersion – ruined.

Why do people on TV shows never lock their goddamn computers?9 May 2021

This will never stop bothering me.

One vaccination, in my arm.9
May 2021
Stay tuned for livetweeting of side effects9 May 2021
Is my arm starting to feel sore? Or am I just imagining it feeling sore because I’ve been told that that’s one of the side effects9 May 2021
My neck is feeling a bit sore but I think that’s just Karen’s driving9 May 2021
Kinda regretting my promise to livetweet the side effects now, it’s all been quite boring. Left arm still feels a bit tender but other than that, nothing to report so far.9 May 2021
I am getting a hankering to watch an episode of Columbo though. Could that be a side effect?9 May 2021
Feverish. Shivering. Paracetamol.10 May 2021
My brain spent a lot of the night buzzing and keeping me awake. I’m still feverish, and bracing myself for a day full of being useless.10 May 2021
Side effect update: I’m still a little raging inferno of temperature, but I have managed such exciting things as walking downstairs to eat lunch. Trying to decide whether to go back to bed this afternoon, or to stay seated upright, now that I’ve made all this progress.10 May 2021
Side effect (final) update: it’s all over.11 May 2021
A new side effect has manifested – I can see all of the universe’s past and future, combined yet distinct, arranged in front of me like the hairs on a cat’s coat, myriad colours sparkling in a ray of sunlight. I have transcended my earthly form. Is this normal?11 May 2021

The story of my first COVID booster

Heaven is a 36-pack of Tunnocks tea cakes. Yes, 36.21 May 2021

My Twitter following has grown to the point where something like this can get me 4 likes and a retweet. Most of my tweets get at least one like these days actually, I must have a fan.

It’s scary how many of these songs are actually really good. #Eurovision22 May 2021

Eurovision 2021 is remarkable for Iceland’s entry, 10 Years by DaĆ°i Freyr, which utterly slaps.

The lyrical content also resonates with me, being, as I am, one of those fortunate to be in a long term relationship with someone so fascinating.23 May 2021

I hope this is enough to make up for the remark about her driving.

The thrill that comes with purchasing stackable storage boxes is a fleeting one, and pretty soon you find yourself considering the next purchase of stackable storage boxes, chasing that high.12 June 2021

I do have a tendency to go overboard with this sort of thing. One day I’ll show you the stack of blank notebooks that wobbles on the bookshelf behind me.

I just spent way too long looking for the heating instructions on that pot of gazpacho soup.

I am Arnold Rimmer.21 June 2021

I refer you back to the tweet of 21 June 2019.

Hey hotel owners, a bathroom should have a solid door that locks. A frosted glass screen that swings freely to and fro, and covers 90% of a doorway, may look nice, but fails on certain functional requirements.27 June 2021

Any hotel owners who don’t know what I’m talking about, please feel free to drop me a message and I’ll be happy to clarify.

This clip is actually a robot wolf.
28 June 2021


There’s a jar of chutney that I can’t open. Every time I go into the kitchen I dash up to it and give it a big tug, in the hopes that I might catch it by surprise.30 June 2021

Since then I’ve mastered the art of using a bit of hot water to loosen the lid. Top tip – you’re not doing it for long enough.

This morning’s earworm is “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones. I post this here so that I can take solace in the fact that someone else is now going through this with me.8 July 2021

Five people “liked” this and I can’t help wondering if by “like” what they actually mean is “arrrrggghhh!”

Did you know that during the recording of Bohemian Rhapsody, the sessions kept having to be paused to deal with the stab wounds that Freddie Mercury’s two young sons kept sustaining as a result of their love of fighting with real knives?11 July 2021

Uhhhh that makes no sense at all. Where am I going with this?

In other news, I had my second jab yesterday. Is one of the listed side effects “weird dreams”?11 July 2021

Oh riiiiight it’s one of those.

@NathanielRich I’ve nearly finished King Zeno and enjoyed it a lot, but Frank Bailey can’t have been a bass guitarist before 1919 because the bass guitar was invented in 1935.15 July 2021

The ability to point out the historical inaccuracies in a novelist’s work directly to their face is clearly one of the best things that Twitter gave the world.

We’re at the National Emergency Services Museum
22 July 2021

There was no way I could let this opportunity pass. Sadly the collection of magnetic letters didn’t quite have enough digits so I did have to make one small compromise.
Three retweets and seven likes, in case you were curious.

My son just asked “where is Felixstowe?”
With a setup like that, it was impossible to resist.10 August 2021

Hang on. Hang on just a second. I can’t believe what’s happened here. You’ve read the 2020 entry, right? How could this be? Someone’s made a colossal mistake here. And that someone is me.

At some point, the writers of The Crown will get ahead of the original source material and start having to make things up. We saw how badly that turned out for Game Of Thrones.19 August 2021

I like to assume that they’re not making stuff up already.

Me: Hi, computer. Shall we make some music together?
Computer: Maintenance in progress
Me: Okay then.15 September 2021

I swear that my computer is doing this more and more often now that the operating system is reaching EOL, to try and make me upgrade.

I think it might be time to leave the Amazon wishlist behind forever. It feels like every time it open up there’s another “This item is no longer available.” with no clue of what the item was. I’m sure it wasn’t anything important or useful or remotely interesting.19 September 2021

Amazon in general has had its day, I think. Turns out that being able to know the providence of the item you’re ordering is more important than we thought.

This can of deodorant looks like a luchadore.
30 September 2021

Just me? Okay then.

There was a mid-90s sitcom called Game On. Wasn’t ever particularly good, and I imagine it’s aged terribly, but five minutes into the first episode there was a line that was of such spectacular wisdom that it’s stayed with me ever since, and even informs my professional ethos.3 October 2021
“There is a time to surf – and there is a time to wax your board.”3 October 2021

I could spend hours meditating on this one sentence alone.

I’ve just invented the most horrifically nasty snack concept and need to go to the shop to buy the ingredients. Photos later this afternoon.13 November 2021
Okay we’ve got the ingredients
13 November 2021
They’re in
13 November 2021
And they are beautiful
13 November 2021
I’ve just been told that I’ve just reinvented something called “smores” which has left me feeling a little deflated13 November 2021
Deflated in an emotional sense, I mean. On a physical level, I’m stuffed to the gunwales after just one and a half of them.13 November 2021

These were amazing and I haven’t made them since because I think that the human body can probably only handle them once a decade.

I often look at a word and can’t help but pronounce it in my head as if it were an ancient Greek philosopher. Today’s offender is Pomegranates5 December 2021

As these tweets get closer to the current date, I feel less and less like I’m reading something that was written by Past Pete, and more and more like I’m reading the thoughts of Present Pete.

Today I realised that the lyrics to “Kelly’s Heroes” by Black Grape do not include the line “Most of these men sing like Suggs.”28 December 2021

I’m glad that this year’s final tweet was a gem like this.

And so ends 2021. The next instalment will be the last!


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