Some of us need less caffeine; some of us need more. Today’s cocktails are being served in the Call Centre of Doom, where we have all been forced to take employment as a punishment for whining. AnotherMike is the boss, as you can tell from the elephantine snores coming from his desk. His wasn’t so much a cocktail as a hot milky drink, don’t hold the brandy. He won’t be around for a while.

Pete is in charge of the Broadband Department, because my woe is that it has been my experience over the last couple of weeks that the internet keeps dropping out. Not the whole internet, obvs; twitter seems to continue in my absence. But the connection in Casa Uborka is not great these days. Every time I grumble about it, he checks the logs and says there hasn’t been any downtime, which is just what you would expect from Customer Services. You know what you can do with that Guinness.

Not even bothering to answer calls, preferring instead to flirt with complainants on twitter, our Doctor Pockless has filled his quota by getting mum’s phone fixed, and is now just trying to sign people up to direct debits for the continuation of the provision of their souls. He is, in his usual elegant fashion, consuming a pint.

Mike has a new job presenting the latest series of Location Location Location, with the help of his glamorous assistant. You wondered what the K stood for, didn’t you? His endless quest is for a property combining peaceful village life with a minimal commute, a farmhouse kitchen, and a chrome-plated cocktail bar at which to mix those Manhattans. [Okay I don’t know how this fits into a call centre but we never let that sort of thing stand in our way at Uborka].

We’ve put Lyle in charge of refuse collection, sewerage, and hashtags, so that he may use his vocabulary in full. Unfortunately for the punters calling his helpline, he is.

And asta is on the denial desk, refusing to answer calls at all. We can all hear the tinny music from her headphones, though, as she tries to pretend she’s at a pop festival. That does explain the wellies too.

I’m staffing the Cocktail Line. In other words, drinking them before you can. It’s for your own good. Have a lovely weekend, everyone.