December 3, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2020

We have reached 2020, that strange year which was only two years ago but it feels like ten.

So far my New Years Resolution to eat lots of raisins is going terribly. While I ate plenty of raisins in the closing days of 2019, so far in 2020 I’ve mainly eaten half a bag of chocolate covered peanuts that are two months past their best before date.3 January 2020

Life was going pretty well for me in early January 2020. I was staring down the barrel of some fairly big life-altering changes, but optimistic with it. I was taking treatment for my acid reflux, which was working quite well, and hoping to get off of it soon. However I was experiencing a heart arrhythmia, which might have been being caused as a side-effect of the acid reflux treatment, but it was hard to know for sure.

A sitcom about meat but in space10 January 2020

I adopted this tweet format a few times, with mixed success.

New potential employer: We’d like to offer you the job. When can you start?
My imposter syndrome: You haven’t forgotten I’m here, have you?28 January 2020

This is the fairly big life-altering change just alluded to.

The last photo I took of Maisy. Forever immortalised in full legs-akimbo mode. You’ll be missed, you beautiful creature.
6 February 2020

What can I say? This was a terrible day.

There might be a few of these sorts of photos for the next few days. Apologies in advance. #RipMaisy
7 February 2020

Don’t worry, I didn’t publicly wallow in my grief for too long.

A book, but with a soundtrack that automatically plays when you get to the relevant parts.14 February 2020

I think this is better than the meat sitcom idea.

A shower tray that changes colour with temperature29 February 2020

This is useful for people whose showers take a long time to warm up.

I started a new job this week so haven’t had much time to keep up with the social medias. Is COVID19 still a thing?4 March 2020

Let’s assume that I was being tongue in cheek here. Otherwise, mate, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Now my home office desk is also my work office desk, I’m giving it a very thorough tidy this weekend. Very satisfying.21 March 2020

Back when this whole thing was still an exciting novelty that was all going to be over by June.

REMAIN
INDOORS23 March 2020

Ah yes, that bit where we were all quoting the Mitchell and Webb sketch, I remember that too.

Ways you know you’re living in a post-apocalyptic dystopia #557:

@erzsebel (unpacking shopping): [excited noises]
Me: what’s that?
@erzsebel (holding items aloft): I got kidney beans!28 March 2020

The stuff we joked about, eh?

Important lockdown procrastination task #2265: Reorganising this heap of crap
28 March 2020
Immediately I’m regretting embarking upon this project. My enthusiasm has dissipated in nanoseconds.28 March 2020
It’s not perfect, but it’s a whole heap better than it was.
28 March 2020

Can you tell the difference? It’s not the night-and-day difference that I had been hoping for, I must admit.

I’m honestly feeling sorry for everyone right now whose “Discover Weekly” playlist on Spotify DOESN’T include the Baywatch theme tune.19 April 2020

This is the moment where you can see that the lockdown is starting to have a detrimental effect on me.

Things I haven’t used much in the last two months, number 312: portable power bank for my mobile phone15 May 2020

Of course, one of the benefits of the lockdown is that I managed to get an extra couple of years out of my mobile phone. The battery life was in a bad way, but if you never leave the house, it doesn’t really matter.

Every day I ask myself if my son is old enough yet for the chickpea joke.24 May 2020

I’m pretty sure Bernard is old enough for it now, but I’ve lost track of whether I’ve actually told it or not.

The red kites are flying alarmingly low today26 May 2020

It’s a running joke in our household that I’m scared of birds, and I play along because it’s cute.

I think that church would be more popular if they introduced BBQ flavoured communion wafers.29 May 2020

I think I probably wrote this after eating (and enjoying) some BBQ flavour popchips, which are probably the closest thing we’re ever going to get.

I remember back in early March, a friend who was a self-proclaimed expert in virology laughed at my refusal to shake hands, and told me that Covid-19 was no worse than flu.31 May 2020

The word here that leaps out at me most now is “friend”.

My son just asked me “where is Felixstowe?” At last, my years of patiently waiting to deploy that particular dad-joke paid off.8 July 2020

A deadpan delivery of this punchline would have been ideal, but I was just way too excited for that to even remotely be a possibility.

Henry, 10 days in.
8 July 2020

Henry wasn’t the immediate replacement for Maisy – that honour would go to Barney, who was with us for all of about 5 minutes. There’s a whole story there, remind me to tell you sometime. If you’re interested in learning more about Henry, I wrote a blog post.

Waiting for bats.
6 August 2020

Seems like a pleasant little local sunset photo.

Henry did have certain talents.

Our scheduled Thursday evening “sit in the conservatory with a beer and pretend to be in a pub” routine has been undermined this week by the fact that it’s bloody cold in the conservatory tonight.24 September 2020

We introduced this routine during the covid lockdown. Since then, it has gradually morphed into “watch television, just like any other night, but with a bowl of nuts”.

Cream on jam on scone and this hill I WILL die on20 December 2020

This tweet in itself isn’t of particular interest, until you consider this one from less than two years later:

Scones. Jam on cream or cream on jam, makes no odds to me. Not even sure I have a consistent way of doing it myself.29 August 2022

But let’s stop time-travelling, let’s see what our final tweet for 2020 was.

Eating smoked salmon over the sink – can’t figure out whether this makes me very posh or very common31 December 2020

It makes you very “Pete”, Pete.

Pete
December 1, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2019

Welcome back! The years are disappearing under our wheels like an ice lolly in the sun.

I have a problem. A fresh cup of tea and a cat on my lap, when I need to leave the house in ten minutes.20 January 2019

So I guess that at this stage in my life, I’ve long since stopped drinking alcohol, but am still on the caffeine, occasionally.

Today’s happy cat photo
21 January 2019

That is an ecstatic cat, and so I’m glad to see that this tweet picked up 5 likes and a retweet.

All parents, at some point, ask themselves “am I a bad parent?” It can be a complex question to address. Unless you’re teaching your children that “green man = go, red man = RUN before the cars start to move.” In that case, it becomes much simpler.23 January 2019

Such a grumpy curmudgeon that day.

Don’t disturb the cat – she’s on the phone.
27 January 2019

ON the phone! “ON” the phone! Get it? Get it? Ahahahahahahah!

Look at the state of my cat
9 February 2019

Having figured out, about ten years after the rest of the internet, that adorable cat photos are the key to getting lots of likes, I’m really going for it now.

Remember back when you’d sit at your computer and just chat to whichever of your friends happened to be online? I kinda miss that.15 February 2019

Of course, nowadays everyone is online all the time, so how do you know who to talk to? Back then, you’d sign in to IM, and if someone’s name was on the list, then that was an invitation to talk. There’s no invitation element nowadays, and I’m like a vampire – I need to be invited.

Parking in Bristol is, and I say this without any fear of hyperbole, utter bullshit. It seems like every single street has its own charging structure and time limits. “Oh, you want to park on King Paul’s Street? That’ll be 12p per 18 minutes. Max stay 5.3 hours.”24 February 2019

Somebody out there liked this.

I’m preparing for Brexit. I’ve stocked up on weapons and am going to kill you all and eat your corpses. In fact, might just get a head start on that this weekend. Look out!27 February 2019
Of course, if it now turns out that there’s an actual cannibal killing spree this weekend then I might regret that last tweet.27 February 2019

I think that this might be my first use of the “B” word on Twitter.

Surprise your mum by sending her a Mother’s Day card this weekend.1 March 2019
I certainly did.1 March 2019

I’m not sure what happened here – I think I saw one of those “don’t forget Mother’s Day this year!” posters and panicked, and forgot to check the date. Thankfully I recovered from this faux pas with impeccable grace, by purchasing an identical card and sending it to her again for the actual Mother’s Day. And then the same card again for her birthday, later in the year. I was pretty pleased with that.

In my meeting today I kept a surreptitious tally of how many times the word “guys” was used. I clocked 26 and I’m pretty sure I didn’t even catch all of them.13 March 2019

Ah, I guess 2019 was the year when I started being annoyed by the word “guys” then.

The boy’s Spanish homework looks like a bunch of Pulp lyrics.
13 March 2019

You’re reading this in Jarvis’ voice now, aren’t you? Alright. 8 likes, but zero retweets, which seems unforgiveable.

I never tire of the price of beer in Budapest20 April 2019
I feel like I’m a student around the turn of the millennium again.20 April 2019

So by this time I’m already very deep into my alcohol-free beer explorations, yet tweets like this make me think that I must have been still drinking alcoholic beer occasionally.

We’re catching up on Line of Duty and we’ve decided to make a drinking game of it. Every time someone says “bent coppers”, take a sip. This might be a terrible idea.24 April 2019
Maybe using “OCG” as the key phrase for our drinking game was a bad idea. #LineofDuty24 April 2019

Yeah, I’m clearly not teetotal.

Never thought I’d be so happy to hear a bit of autotune. #Eurovision #Madonna18 May 2019
I love when the country representatives decide to sing their 12 point announcements. Reminds me of Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec. #Eurovision18 May 2019

I normally post quite a lot of tweets on Eurovision night, lots of throwaway remarks about the various acts. This year, I only posted two – one about the intermission act (Madonna, who, back in 2019, still looked recognisably like Madonna) and one about the scoring. I’ve included both in here because they seem to have some substance.

Posting 5000 word rants on Twitter is like buying 30 flannels, stitching them together and calling it a bath towel.24 April 2019

I’ve always been pissed off by people using microblogging services to post long-form content, and I always will be.

“Alexa, play…”
26 May 2019

Oooh, I’m on a plane! I see the Aer Lingus logo, that probably means Belfast.

Remember never insert anything that doesn’t have a flared base. The one in the middle is safe.
30 May 2019

One solitary like. Maybe I’ll be fully appreciated after my death.

@monzo A humble request for a new transaction category on the app: Gifts30 May 2019

They implemented this. I seem to have a very good knack of making feature requests over Twitter that then get put into production.

The cat is playing “the floor is made of lava” and it’s a delight to behold9 June 2019

So much ridiculous behaviour from that cat, she was a cutie.

Fun things to do for father’s Day number 87: go to a garden centre with a pink marker pen and colour in the nipples on the statues15 June 2019

This, unfortunately, is one of those ideas that I had that I didn’t end up actually trying myself. Though now I’ve been reminded of it, maybe I’ll give it a go some day.

I’ve recently introduced the boy to Red Dwarf. He loves it, which is great. He compares me to Rimmer, which is not so good.21 June 2019

To be honest, I wouldn’t want to be compared to any of the other characters either, so I’ll take it on the chin.

One of my more obscure delights is consolidating the contents of pump-top bottles which still contain product but not enough for the tube to pick any up.23 July 2019

You should try it, it’s great fun.

Boats normally have such sappy names. Crush Zone is a bit more like it. @CanalRiverTrust
4 August 2019

Half a dozen likes, but I was really fishing for a retweet for CRT, which sadly did not manifest.

I have shot
the hogs
that were in
the yard

and which
you were probably
saving
for 3-5 minutes

Forgive me
they were numerous
so feral
and so quick6 August 2019

Combining the contemporary feral hogs meme with the previous year’s plums in the icebox, I netted a cool 5 retweets and 11 likes. This might be the highlight of my twitting career. We will never reach these dizzying heights again.

Bah. The first Sunday in weeks when I’ve been available to go to archery, and it rains.18 August 2019

Yeah, archery was a thing for a while in 2019. Karen thought me and Bernard should have a thing that we do together, so she applied a small amount of pressure for us to join a local group. Bernard lost interest very quickly. I kept going for a while, but it could only sustain me for so long.

On Monday I bought a new keyboard for my home computer, replacing the one I’ve had for about 15 years. Right now wish I could be at home, typing away merrily.30 August 2019

It’s a very nice keyboard, I am still using it now.

Welsh Abba tribute band called Ebbw31 August 2019

I thought this was pretty funny (and still do) but the rest of the world apparently disagrees.

We’re rewatching 90s sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart and I have to say that it’s aged very well indeed. Maybe you should give it a revisit too.5 September 2019

Now obviously it’s a story about a time-travelling adulterer, so in a moral sense it might not be your cup of tea, but I did find that it was funny and well-written. That being said, our rewatch did run out of steam before we got to the very end, so maybe not all of the seasons have kept as well as the first one or two.

The deal on offer today is exactly the same one that he resigned over in July 201818 October 2019

I actually wrote quite a few Brexit-related tweets this year. Look at me, getting all political.

I like when the clock says 8:01 because I feel like it’s calling me “boi”.21 November 2019

And then wait a bit if your name is Bob.

Okay so what fucker decided that mincemeat and mince should be two different things, and that one of them is a meat and the other isn’t, but THEY’RE NOT THE WAY ROUND THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT. It’s always bothered me.21 November 2019

Obviously I’m not some thicko who would get confused by it. I’m not confused. Just disappointed.

Woken up at 5:30 on Christmas Day by the boy. Not with an excited “Dad! Dad! Santa’s been!” but with a world-weary “Dad. Maisy’s been sick on my bedroom floor and I need help cleaning it up.”

She gives the worst presents, she really does.25 December 2019

She’s lovely, but a little bit barfy.

Here’s @erzsebel making the oven all festive
26 December 2019

Oh the cat is barfing and molting,
And the oven is quite revolting,
We’re going to clean it today,
Let us spray, let us spray, let us spray.

Bernard: “there’s only one olive left.”
Me: “and everyone is too polite to t…”
Bernard: “Yoink!”26 December 2019

You snooze, you lose.

Resolution for 2020 – more raisins. Specifically, chocolate covered raisins and yoghurt covered raisins.27 December 2019

You’ll be pleased to know that I totally fulfilled this one. Big time.

Let’s pretend that was the last tweet of the year. Technically there were a couple more after that, but ssssshhhhh.

Early 2020 is going to be a rollercoaster. I would say more but don’t want to risk spoilers.

Pete
  • Comments: 2
  • Pleeeeeease validate meeeeee - Pete
  • This craven yearning for likes and retweets, Pete. I do not think you are cut out for Mast... - Karen
November 29, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2018

Welcome back! We continue to make inexorable forward progress through the years until we catch up with the current day.

We’ve bought a new keyboard. Bernard is currently exploring the higher-numbered voices, and I can’t help but be reminded of Ross in Friends.6 January 2018

Ah, I see we’re past the “violin” phase and into the “piano” phase.

I’ve got some eyedrops called Brolene and I can’t look at the box without hearing Dolly Parton in my head.8 January 2018

Still can’t.

So looks like I’m going to be using Brolene for the rest of my life then.
10 January 2018

I stopped using Brolene. I know, I know, such a bad man.

I’m working on a joke about a Spanish barista and a vegan. It’s going to be brilliant when it’s done.29 January 2018

Not only did I never get round to finishing this joke, I’ve lost track of where I’d got to. Looks like I’m going to have to start all over again.

Roses are red
This is a tweet
I feel like being offensive for no reason
So fuck you in the feet.15 February 2018

Compared to some of my previous valentine’s day tweets, this one’s positively family-friendly. I like it, it has a lot of fine qualities.

Fantastic looking Bakewell tart
25 March 2018

I hope it tasted as good as it looked!

Hahaha just heard a couple of ticket inspectors on the platform complaining about passengers who make a scene. One had a theory that some passengers get some sort of power thrill from making a kerfuffle in front of a crowd. A startling lack of self awareness there.16 April 2018
He was also talking about how often he wants to punch them, but knows that he would instantly lose his job. That, apparently, is the sole thing preventing him.16 April 2018
In unrelated news, wonder why more people don’t use public transport.16 April 2018

I use public transport a lot less than I used to, but that’s for different reasons, which we will get to in a couple of years.

Ah hairball season. Is there any sound more pleasing to a cat owner than that familiar hroika-hroika-hroika.11 May 2018

Not a bad effort at capturing that recognisable sound. Maybe needs to be a bit more gutteral.

So it seems like the day we’ve chosen to walk the Thames Path through London is also the day that every teenager in London is doing a sponsored walk along the Thames. The experience is not a wholly tranquil one.22 June 2018

We’ve been gradually working our way along the Thames Path since we started in 2016, and I generally didn’t bother posting updates to Twitter (except on special occasions). We’re now reaching the final couple of stretches, and I was gave pretty thorough updates during the bit through London, including:

If anyone’s looking for a free inflatable sex doll, there’s one floating in the Thames at Greenwich.24 June 2018

A couple of weeks later, while at a festival:

I wonder if my phone is able to automatically detect when I’m wearing sunglasses, and increase the display brightness to compensate.2 July 2018

The tragic thing about this one is that I’d written basically this tweet a year earlier:

It would be cool if my phone could detect when I’m wearing sunglasses and increase brightness accordingly.7 May 2017
It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming
Bee swarm is coming home
You look disappointed
Stop screaming3 July 2018

I think that it might have been world cup season.

The local camping exhibition was very quiet today. It’s almost as if everyone is in the pub or watching telly or summat.7 July 2018

Yep, confirmed.

The ducks on this particular canal are provably psychopathic. Duck Attack (open on YouTube)24 July 2018

We went on our second narrowboat holiday (the first one was in 2015). This was the only tweet I posted during the holiday. During this holiday I started getting severe recurring acid reflux, which then led on to other health issues, and was basically the event that led to me giving up caffeine and alcohol (almost) entirely. Quite a big turning point in my life, and I think you’ll probably notice the change in me almost straight away.

Funny how we change as we get older, isn’t it? Once upon a time, I’m sure that giving my first ever stool sample would have been an event worthy of a long blog post. But I’ve softened with age, and let’s faece it, nowadays I find myself deturd.31 July 2018
I like my coffee like I like my other caffeinated beverages, alcohol, fizzy drinks, spicy food, and fat – embargoed for a few weeks owing to high stomach acid. Hmmm, this joke wasn’t very funny.3 August 2018

Yep, even by my usual standards.

The end result of the Uborka Family Irregular Garage Clear out and Tidy. A before photo would have helped you appreciate the scale of the task, but then I don’t want all your mental breakdowns on my conscience.
16 September 2018

Clearing out the garage is always such a satisfying and rewarding task.

Laundry Cat Boat
16 September 2018

Photos of Maisy sitting in weird places must always be posted.

I’m reading a biography of Robert Smith and I’ve reached that point where the word “goth” just looks like a weird jumble of letters. #SemanticSatiation28 September 2018

Karen’s dad has traditionally given me biographies of musicians and bands for birthdays and Christmas presents. Safe to say that often they are not books that I would have chosen for myself.

You know when people reveal that the first word of their last few hundred tweets have actually been constructing the lyrics to a famous song? Tempted to try that with “Baby Shark” but I reckon people would figure it out pretty quickly.23 October 2018

Do you think that they would? Do you?

Before you know it you’ll be on your knees
She’s an
10 November 2018

It feels like whenever other people post this sort of thing, they get tens of thousands of retweets. Why not meeeeeee?

My attempt to find a good alcohol free beer is not off to a good start. This milk stout tastes like stale cigarette smoke.7 December 2018
Investigations into alcohol free beers continue to be utterly fruitless.8 December 2018

My transformation into alcohol-free-beer-Pete has begun. Don’t worry, it gets better.

The cat has barely left this box for the last 24 hours.
8 December 2018

She really liked that box.

The thing noone tells you before you buy a Zafira is that if you pull up outside a pub at half past midnight then within twenty seconds you’ll have people approaching you asking if you’re their taxi.15 December 2018

This actually only happened once, but the event definitely stuck with me.

@jamiepaulcullen I found your cactus
28 December 2018

One thing I’m realising, while going through all these tweets, is how guarded I’ve generally been about my personal life. There was so much that I could have written about our trip to Lanzarote, about the food and the landscapes and the novelty of getting sunburned on Christmas day while sat around the pool. So many fantastic photos I could have posted. But no, all I post is one photo, and it’s a knob gag. I dunno, maybe one of the reasons why I tend to publish so few tweets when I’m on holiday is that I’m busy enjoying the moment. That would be okay.

Stay tuned for 2019, there will be more cat photos!

Pete
November 27, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2017

Welcome to 2017, and it’s clear that I’m in a retrospective mood.

I’ve been in one of those nostalgia mires all week. It’s starting to get a little wearing.5 January 2017
There’s a 90% chance of a cathartic nostalgia blog post tomorrow.5 January 2017

As promised, here it is.

He wants to pay prostitutes to piss on him? Good for him! That’s not the reason why he shouldn’t be President though.11 January 2017

As ever, my tweets stay fairly distant from current events, with the exception of the occasional oblique observation.

We’ve bought a new vacuum cleaner. We haven’t always had the best luck with vacuum cleaners. Maybe this one will be the awesome.17 January 2017

This one did not turn out to be the awesome. Vacuum cleaner nirvana will have to wait until November 2020.

My to-do list is full of things I’m probably never going to do. I should clear that out sometime (adds to to-do list).14 February 2017

No valentine’s day tweet this year, just this.

You know how the saying goes: When the cat’s away, the mouse will drink White Russians and watch The Expanse. I think that’s how it goes.3 March 2017

5 likes! Five! That’s amazing! Also, yet another reference to the alcoholic drinks I’m drinking. It’s weird how much I’m noticing that now.

I’ve been told that The Room (2003) might be the worst film ever. Let’s see how long I can last.13 April 2017

Right, buckle up, chums. There’s going to be a few of these, and I’m not leaving a single one out.

Fortunately I have whisky13 April 2017
The opening credits landscape shots are slightly off straight13 April 2017
The acting is like a soap opera13 April 2017
Oooh there’s undressing13 April 2017
Argh put it back on!13 April 2017
I think this might actually just be soft porn that I put on by accident13 April 2017
I love this old lady filling in the back story by telling Lisa all the things Lisa definitely already knows about herself.13 April 2017
Very smoothly done.13 April 2017
Okay it’s turning into a soft porn movie again.13 April 2017
Okay, this is the second sex scene already. How long have I been watching? Ten minutes?13 April 2017
Even actual porn has more plot than this.13 April 2017
At least this guy’s better looking than the last one.13 April 2017
I’m getting through the whisky quicker than predicted13 April 2017
The pizza order has more depth than the rest of the film put together so far13 April 2017
Is it my imagination or are all of this guy’s lines being dubbed?13 April 2017
Okay there’s no way he can get it up after half a bottle of vodka13 April 2017
Wow, guess I was wrong. Sex scene #313 April 2017
Lisa’s mum is basically the only person here pushing the plot forwards at all.13 April 2017
Apparently chocolate is the symbol of love. I like this guy’s moves.13 April 2017
Also, that now makes 4 love scenes in 30 minutes, for those of you playing along at home.13 April 2017
I’m assuming that the guy playing Johnny is smashed off his tits for the entirety of this film. There’s no other explanation.13 April 2017
Oh, hi Mark.13 April 2017
And suddenly every scene is set on the rooftop. I guess they got kicked out of the apartment owing to the non-stop coitus.13 April 2017
There’s something weird going on with Lisa’s neck. Like there’s something in there trying to get out.13 April 2017
You know what would make for an interesting project – a reshoot of this film with a tightened up script. Maybe it is salvageable.13 April 2017
These guys are throwing a ball around while standing 80cm from each other. That’s weird.13 April 2017
I feel like Lisa’s mum has forgotten that she has cancer.13 April 2017
Yes, watching Johnny set up a tape recorder on the phone is a thrilling thing to see, I’m glad none of it was cut out.13 April 2017
I love how the camera angle on the front door is always perfectly set up so you can never quite see the outside.13 April 2017
This guy’s tie is a bold one. Wonder where I can get one like that.13 April 2017
Charity shop, perhaps.13 April 2017
I wouldn’t be that forgiving if someone tried to throw me off of a rooftop.13 April 2017
Oh hi Danny13 April 2017
You know what I was saying earlier? Wondering if a reshoot with a tightened up script could save this film? Nope. Nope nope nope.13 April 2017
Oh hi Susan13 April 2017
Been a long time since the last sex scene13 April 2017
The overdubbed groans and sighs are wondrous13 April 2017
This is uncomfortably long. Please, climax already.13 April 2017
She’s undressing again! I am really struggling to keep count of how many times she’s taken her top off.13 April 2017
Seriously, this is a sub-soap-opera level storyline, with sub-soap-opera level acting. The only thing it has that soaps don’t is bewbs.13 April 2017
Ooooh, Lisa and Michelle having a pillow fight. I like where this is going.13 April 2017
Only 23 minutes of this left. I’m finding myself wondering what sort of payoff to expect before it’s through.13 April 2017
The awkwardness of this plot continues to plunge deeper and deeper depths.13 April 2017
The cat has slept through the majority of the film so far. Any minute now she’s going to be asking what she missed. And I’ll say “not much”.13 April 2017
Here we go, it’s kicking off.13 April 2017
Eurgh! (throws tape player)13 April 2017
That television looked very light13 April 2017
Well. Things haven’t worked out well for Lisa, have they.13 April 2017
I think that’s it.13 April 2017
I am definitely never watching that film again. What on earth even possessed me to even watch it once. Ah, yes, of course. The whisky.13 April 2017

Despite saying I’d definitely never watch it again, I sometimes find myself strangely tempted.

My livetweeting of Eurovision this year was also very thorough. I think that this might be because I had a laptop for the first time in my life (albeit my dad’s old one). If I’d been on my phone I would have lost interest far sooner, and probably the same is true for the tweets while watching The Room. As always, the Eurovision tweets don’t really make much sense out of context, but this one stands up by itself fairly nicely:

If the cat falls off the back of the sofa again, she’ll land on @erzsebel and it’ll be well funny.13 May 2017
There’s a tramp
In his pants
On the edge of the Thames
Washing himself
With Fairy liquid
While the swans watch
Can’t unsee.25 June 2017

Yep, I remember this from our Thames Path walk. The image is seared into my brain.

RT this if you’ve ever kissed a badger on the mouth.7 July 2017

Another one of my desperate attempts for attention. Absolutely nothing.

Halloumi, Halloumi
The squeaky cheese
From its little square packet
You can slide it with ease7 July 2017

Hang on, what’s this? Two retweets and four likes? Have I finally hit upon The Formula For Popularity?

Feta, Feta
Not to sound gloomy
But you know what’s better?
A tasty halloumi.7 July 2017

One retweet and three likes. That’s still pretty good. I should do more of this cheese-themed poetry.

Your own (dum da dum)
Personal (da dum)
Gravy (dum da dum)
Something to pour on your meat
But not on your feet (dum da dum)30 July 2017

Yeah, they love the silly rhymes.

Software development tip: when you find yourself spending hours trying to track down an elusive bug, stop and eat a flapjack. They’re magic.1 August 2017

I don’t think there are any problems that can’t be solved with a flapjack actually.

The phrase “the big light” to refer to an overhead light is one of those sayings that I only recently appreciated the weird regionality of.26 August 2017

And it’s not just the regionality of it that’s weird, but also the more you dissect the phrase, the more wrong it feels from a purely semantic viewpoint.

My latest quest is for the perfect alarm clock. It’s getting unhealthy.8 September 2017

For more details on this quest:

You’ll be pleased to know that it has a very satisfactory outcome.

I also tried to start a trending hashtag:

Volkswagen Passata #FoodCar8 September 2017
Ford Granola #FoodCar8 September 2017
Citron 2CV #MangeVoiture8 September 2017
Lincoln Continental Breakfast #FoodCar8 September 2017
Lada Samosa #FoodCar8 September 2017
Jaguar E-Number #FoodCar8 September 2017
Spaghetti Veyron #FoodCar8 September 2017

As you can probably imagine, it didn’t take off. But at least I tried.

Toyota Yaris Piper #FoodCar8 September 2017

Oh apparently I’m still going

VW Polo Mint #FoodCar9 September 2017
Ford Capri-Sun #FoodCar10 September 2017

Just give it up already!

I’ve got this new pet millipede
I keep it in a vase
I’d tell you more about it
But I don’t have enough chars.27 September 2017

Returning to the funny poetry to try and get some attention, but this one apparently just didn’t cut the mustard.

Seat Ipizza #FoodCar28 September 2017

Still trying to make that one work, huh?

Me: That’s a nice post
Maisy: It’s MY post.
7 October 2017

Ah, going back to cat photos. Probably not a bad idea.

The boy seems to mix up Hugh Bonneville and Bill Murray, with hilarious consequences.16 November 2017

When I say “hilarious”, of course, you know what I mean.

A nice plan to do some low-stress, relaxed car shopping is somewhat undermined by my existing car deciding to adopt a throaty exhaust sound this morning. Stoopid car.25 November 2017

Our old Vauxhall Astra, which we bought with 50k miles on it and which had served us so well for 13 years, was starting to show its age. It was a good car.

I have used
The last of the toilet paper
That was sitting
In the bathroomThat you were
Probably saving
For a colossal
Shit later on.

Forgive me
It was 3-ply
And so
Quilty1 December 2017

This is my sort of bandwagon. And I get to use the word “quilty” which is never a bad day.

This dog has started following us and we don’t know what to do.
1 December 2017

This was while we were walking the Thames Path. A dog started walking along with us. Which sounds adorable, right? The problem is that after a little while you encounter some people coming the other way, and the dog starts to give them attention, and they give you a look that says “you are irresponsible dog owners, that mutt should be on a leash” and you’re yelling “THAT’S NOT MY DOG IT IS JUST FOLLOWING ME”. Awkward. After a few miles, the dog attached itself to some other people and started following them back towards the west.

If you want to piss yourself laughing, search for ASMR on YouTube.2 December 2017
Someone should make a website which redirects you to either a ASMR video or a shrieking gamer at random.2 December 2017

Sometimes I get comments on my videos on YouTube in which people suggest that I should be doing ASMR. I think that it’s a combination of having an English accent, and not being an insufferable whooping arsehole. That seems to be all it takes.

There’s a drunk guy here setting the world to rights. I don’t want to excite everyone unnecessarily, but I think he might have all the answers.16 December 2017

No, it wasn’t me. Though I think I probably wasn’t completely sober, as the ensuing tweets will indicate:

I find myself sometimes wondering if bus drivers maybe aren’t 100% infallible.16 December 2017
Hey I think I might be the only person on this bus! It’s just like a really really big taxi!16 December 2017
Seriously though no shit they should pay me to do the recorded platform announcements. I could blow that shit outta the fuckin water.16 December 2017
By which I mean I’d be very very good at it, for those of you unfamiliar with my young peoples’ vernacular.16 December 2017

Go home Pete, you’re drunk.

Find your plumber name by taking your full name and adding “Plumbing Services” to the end.16 December 2017

Two people liked this. They have taste.

Maisy, I hope you’re not getting any ideas.
21 December 2017

Of course she’s thinking about it.

I wish I was clever enough to come up with my own clock jokes, but all the ones I know I heard second hand.16 December 2017

I hope this was an original joke, but even if it wasn’t, that’s kinda funnier still. Check out those 5 likes and 1 retweet though!

Towelette
Moist towelette
Towelette
Je te plumerai23 December 2017

Tumbleweeds. And now for the final tweet of the year…

Hot strudel custard #HotStrudelCustard29 December 2017

Two likes. I guess you had to be there.

Pete
  • Comments: 1
  • These are getting quite long, aren't they. - Karen
November 26, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2016

2016 gets off to a wonderful start with one of those tweets that hints that there must be more to this than meets the eye.

You know how funny it is to repeat everything someone says? It’s even funnier if you do it in appalling French.2 January 2016
“Hey guys, are you having a good day?”
“Are you soliciting for charity?”
The smile freezes on his face. An eternity passes.
“Yes.”15 January 2016

I can imagine the slow dawning in his mind as he wondered if he could lie his way out of this one.

Rewatching The Prestige. Partly for Bowie reasons, partly because it’s just awesome.22 January 2016

When a famous person dies, there is often quite a big fuss made of it on social media for a few days. I never generally get involved in that sort of thing, because what can I say that hasn’t already been said? The tweet above was my only acknowledgement when David Bowie died, which now in hindsight feels insufficient, given that we now know that it threw the entire universe off of its axis and the whole world started going to shit thereafter.

Horrid Henry: The Teenage Years would be an interesting spinoff to watch, as he realises he doesn’t have to conform to other peoples labels.31 January 2016
I’ve just realised that I don’t have much in the way of beer at home. Might be a whiskey evening.5 February 2016

It’s quite amusing reading back all these tweets about beer and whiskey and other alcoholic drinks, because I know the plot twist that’s coming.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Daisies are white
Daffodils are yellow
Venus fly traps are green
Cows goes moo
Hospital food sucks
Good day.14 February 2016
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Jaffa cakes are delicious
Sponsored tweet.14 February 2016

After the last valentine’s day tweet, these are far more tolerable.

There should be a word for remembering the name of a blog from 2007 and then thinking “wonder what happened to them?”17 February 2016
And then another word for when you do some cyber stalking and find out the name of the law firm that they work for these days.17 February 2016
Seriously, five minutes, that took. I’m quite proud of myself.17 February 2016

Well done, Pete.

Waitress keeps correcting my pronunciation of tortilla. By which I mean “correcting”.21 February 2016

I wonder if she was trolling me.

Just noticed that the boy is nearly as tall as @erzsebel. When the flip did that happen?8 March 2016

Got some news for you, pal.

I need some help from other parents. My kid seems to be going through a Bossa Nova phase. Is this normal?15 March 2016
The Girl From Ipanema is blazing from his bedroom at all hours.15 March 2016

The first of those two got a like, AND a retweet! Not very often I land one in both columns.

Change can be frightening.18 March 2016

This tweet has very little context around it, but I can tell from the date what this was about. After having been working at the same company for over 10 years, I was starting to look around, and things were starting to look quite promising with one particular company. It was finally starting to feel real that I might be handing in my notice any day now, which was a huge deal to me.

After four years away from Facebook, I have created a new account.29 March 2016

I created the account explicitly to communicate with someone who was not willing to communicate via any other means. They ended up being a total flake, so I was able to deactivate this account reasonably soon thereafter.

There’s a person sat opposite me on the train with a really tangled headphone lead. They don’t seem to care. What is this.8 April 2016

Horrifying. Someone out there “liked” this.

The cat is moulting, leaving little faint shadows behind everywhere she sits.7 May 2016

I call that poetry.

Once more I excel at the actor identification game. Tonight, Alan Tudyk in Frasier S08E048 May 2016

Still bragging about that, eh?

Today I’m going to be starting on building my shed, with help from @Gammidgy. Where to put all this topsoil?
14 May 2016

The shed was quite a big project. For this first portion (making a concrete platform) Gammidgy did all the work while I took copious photos and updated Twitter.

If peshwari naan was a crime then I wouldn’t be able to finish my curry.14 May 2016

This tweet occurred in the midst of my regular annual series of Eurovision-related tweets, so I imagine that this was probably some witty gag based on some similar-sounding lyrics. It got an unprecedented two likes and one retweet!

Shedbuilding 2016 going nicely. @Gammidgy I feel like the concrete platform may not have needed to be this big.
14 May 2016

After allowing two weeks for the concrete platform to dry, my dad came over to help erect the shed itself.

Shed built! Thanks to @Gammidgy for help with the base, and my dad for help with assembly.
14 May 2016

Pretty nice looking if I do say so myself. I will admit that it doesn’t look quite this pristine six years later.

Stop this referendum, I wanna get off.16 June 2016

Of course, a big thing happened in June 2016, and as is par for the course, if everyone is talking about it then you know that I’ll probably be making minimal contributions to the conversation.

It’s enchilada night. My job is grating cheese. I take my job very seriously.
3 September 2016
Uh oh, cheese tower started to fall. Have transferred to bowl.3 September 2016

The secret to enchiladas is more cheese.

Me: “you” is a pronoun.
The boy: Muh?
Me: Fine. You “are” a pronoun.
The boy: Muh?
Me: Laugh. It’s funny.9 October 2016

Is it, though? At the time, I was sure it was.

My favourite aspect of the Carcassonne Inns & Cathedrals expansion is our house rule that you must name every Inn.23 October 2016

I love this house rule, and I also love that this tweet got me two retweets and two likes, which is probably a new record. I haven’t been paying complete attention, I must confess.

The Thames is fairly unimpressive for the first mile or so.
30 October 2016

The start of our Thames Path walk, which was a fairly hefty project that we didn’t complete until 2018.

Today we bought a new sofa which means we can no longer ignore the problem of trying to get the old one out.26 November 2016
Getting it in was nigh on impossible. Since then, we’ve replaced our front door. The new one is slightly narrower.26 November 2016
In conclusion, shiiiiiiiit.26 November 2016

The replacement of the sofa is another one of those life-changing events that I couldn’t allow to pass by without some kind of acknowledgement.

This will never work. For one thing, no flammable material has been provided. For another thing, fire can’t even read.
17 December 2016
You have to get up at 9am on a Saturday if you want to be in with a chance of picking up the freshest dad jokes.17 December 2016

This is funny and you know it.

Listen to “It’s Only Love” by Bryan Adams and observe how Tina Turner telegraphs her impending arrival with a searing battle yell.26 December 2016

Tina Turner terrifies me.

I’m in an ice cream parlour. Fite me Richard Hammond.28 December 2016

And this was my final tweet of the year. Another one of my oblique references to current events, in this case Richard Hammond had implied on his TV show that straight people don’t eat ice cream, which naturally didn’t go down terribly well with anyone with a shred of decency.

There we go! Another year down!

Pete
November 25, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2015

You may recall in December 2014, there was some discussion of a “real” Christmas tree. Well, that saga had one more element to deliver:

This morning was the first time I’ve had to hack a Christmas tree into thirds. Innocence lost.7 January 2015
These 5 jam doughnuts are mine, and I must eat them before school kicks out.23 January 2015

Okay, but… why?

Doughnut #2, here we go.23 January 2015
Doughnut #4 is on the go. I’m going to complete the challenge.23 January 2015
Doughnut #5 is taunting me. It’s going to take great spirit to finish this quest.23 January 2015
It’s the final doughnut (doo doo dooooo doooooo)
23 January 2015
I did it! Five doughnuts! Worship me!23 January 2015

Worship is so very much not the word.

I had a doughnut today. I’m not lying.24 January 2015

Okay, some respect restored.

I asked for something Mexican. I got given heaven.
24 January 2015

It’s a sort of recurring joke in this house that if Karen asks me what I want for dinner, I will say enchiladas. It’s possible that this tweet signifies the origin of all that – the first enchiladas that she cooked me, the ones that established it as the most desirable of dinners.

Okay, I’ve just thought of a new joke. Here it comes. Brace yourselves.24 January 2015
Why do triangles make bad parents? Because they’re never a round.24 January 2015
Ahahahahahaha!24 January 2015

Hey guess how many likes and retweets the joke got? Yep, that’s right. Absolutely fuck all.

The cat’s watching True Detective again.2 February 2015

Maisy’s love of television was a never-ending source of amusement to me.

Recognised Larry Fishburne in M∗A∗S∗H yesterday and Hannibal today. I’m proud of my achievements in the field of Fishburne-detectery.15 February 2015
I mean, obv I don’t expect praise for recognising L.F. in a recent program. But one that’s a few decades old, that’s a tougher challenge.15 February 2015

In case you needed more evidence of my skill at identifying actors. Hmmmm, I’m starting to wonder if this skill isn’t as impressive as I thought it was.

I am lying in bed with a mild hangover and a cat walking to and fro on me.21 February 2015

Firstly: hangovers! Been a while since I’ve had one of those. Secondly: I must admit that I kinda miss how Maisy used to walk on top of me when I was in bed. I’d usually sleep on my side, and she’d then sleep on my hip. Awwwww.

Oh the cat is on me again.21 February 2015

Didn’t take long.

The kind of people I follow on Twitter means that I often see reactions to the subject of the day, but no context. Can get confusing.27 February 2015
In conclusion, there is no dress.27 February 2015

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this was in response to the famous dress photo that was posted in 2015, where some people saw it as black and blue, and others as white and gold. Yeah, you’re glad I reminded you of that, aren’t you? You’re welcome.

I hate people who subtweet. You know who you are.6 March 2015

This got two likes! A very uncommon achievement for me, at the time.

Can’t bear people who cause confusion by making me think they’re subtweeting me when they’re actually subtweeting someone else.6 March 2015

No likes for this one though, I guess this level of humour is too complex for some.

There’s brewing afoot…
15 April 2015
It’s happening!
15 April 2015

I thought it worth including a couple of photos of some homebrew happening, which I alluded to in a previous instalment.

Really hyped up for enchiladas this evening. I loves me some enchiladas.24 April 2015
Enchilada night. This is for two people. Seulement deux. #enchiladas #ohfuckyeah.
24 April 2015
Mmmm enchiladas are so shamefully delicious.24 April 2015

The enchilada love continues.

I think today might be the day that I bottle up the beer. Having to “interpret” the instructions as I have 3 contradictory versions.25 April 2015
Bottling complete! 17 and a half pints.
25 April 2015

And here’s the conclusion of the homebrew.

The most difficult task in the world is to build a Lego model from the instructions after the pieces have been mixed into the big box.3 May 2015
Did I say “difficult”? I may have meant “masochistic”3 May 2015

I imagine that this could be averted if you had a really good Lego storage system that allowed you to partition pieces by size and colour.

When I feel a cool breeze around my knackers, it reminds me that I should really get around to replacing these jeans.17 May 2015

My propensity for wearing jeans long after I should really have consigned them to the bin continues.

Oooh wifi on the plane. Weren’t like this when I were a lad.24 May 2015
I’m in Okay Italia in Budapest. It’s a bit like a Bella Italia, but instead of being Bella, it’s merely Okay.29 May 2015
Today we’ll be flying Germanwings. I can’t get a certain 1985 soft rock ballad by Mister Mister out of my head.30 May 2015
…and learn to fly again, learn to live so free-ee-ee…30 May 2015
After 12 hours traveling, I had the wherewithal to order a curry while we were still on the train. Which makes for a nice welcome party.30 May 2015

My criteria for including tweets in this blog series are diverse. Sometimes they get in because they’re particularly funny. Sometimes because they capture a moment of the zeitgeist. And sometimes just because they just sit together nicely and create a rudimentary narrative arc, of a holiday in Budapest. Or a work trip to Madrid (settle in, this is a long one):

Airport is nice and quiet at this time of day9 June 2015

(Note that this tweet was posted at 4:36am)

In other news, I wish I was still in bed9 June 2015
Now I’m sat around waiting for security to open. I could have slept in for at least another half hour9 June 2015
Need coffee. Need breakfast.9 June 2015
And America hasn’t even gone to bed yet, eh @autoblography?9 June 2015
Right, security is open. Might as well go and find out what’s open on the other side.9 June 2015
That was quick. Too quick. I literally have an entire hour to kill before I can even board.9 June 2015
Things are looking up – got coffee, got breakfast.9 June 2015
Though I did forget to ask for no chocolate on my cappuccino. See what happens to me at antisocial hours?9 June 2015
My phone screen is now dusted with sugar that fell off the top of my almond croissant. I’m such an uncouth brute.9 June 2015
I’ve got last night’s Game Of Thrones on my phone. Might save it for the flight.9 June 2015
Whiskey shop is open. That’s a tough one to resist.9 June 2015
Found a nice spot where I can watch the runway before I realised that mine is the first flight of the day. So I’m now watching an empty road9 June 2015
Actually, there’s a bit of arrivalling going on, so there’s that.9 June 2015
A really really big plane just landed. I bet it does enormous poos.9 June 2015
And, speaking of enormous poos…9 June 2015
Airport is starting to wake up now9 June 2015

(It’s still only 5:27am)

I have relocated to my gate, after picking up some mints en route. Ecky thump this is some compelling reading, eh?9 June 2015
Maybe I should strike up conversation with one of my fellow passengers-to-be?9 June 2015
I’m now wishing I’d spent more time choosing my seat. 9A sounds so boring. I could have done better.9 June 2015
Come on guys, give me some feedback. I feel like I’m screaming into the void here. Surely I’m not the only one up at 5.30am in the morning?9 June 2015
Tempted to slap on an episode of Cowboy Bebop, but I reckon boarding is imminent.9 June 2015
Boarding now. My plane looks like it only does medium sized poos.9 June 2015

The following morning…

What a strange night I had last night.10 June 2015
It involved a moderately seedy club in Madrid called Toreno10 June 2015
The best thing of all is that I can call it work. Which means I worked a 22 hour day on Tuesday, by my calculations.10 June 2015

Yeah but I spent all of Wednesday hungover…

The bad news – I’ve got over 3 hours to waste at the airport and my flight is already 40 minutes delayed10 June 2015
The good news – I’m not unprepared for this. I have Kindle. I have this week’s Game Of Thrones saved to my phone.10 June 2015
I also have a few hours of Cowboy Bebop episodes saved. So I’m all set for entertainment10 June 2015
I’m in the VIP lounge with free WiFi, a place to charge my phone, and a great view.10 June 2015
But still… 3 hours… erk.10 June 2015
Looks like I might be able to board in half an hour. My three hour dither hasn’t felt too long at all.10 June 2015
At last, the final leg. Motorway is empty, taxi is barrelling along nicely.10 June 2015

I suppose I could have left some of those out, but this is one of those rare occasions where I’ve tweeted prolifically in a very short space of time, so it felt like it was worth retaining for posterity.

The list of things that may happen to your unattended luggage at the station is growing.1 July 2015

“Unattended items may be removed, destroyed, incinerated, spurned, intimated, patronised, and sent to boarding school, without warning.”

I’m wearing Thursday socks on a Wednesday. If the apocalypse happens today, I apologise.15 July 2015
Wearing Thursday’s socks on Wednesday seems to have caused @erzsebel to cook Thursday’s dinner a day early too. Interesting effect.15 July 2015

Ah yes, from back when I used to have day-of-the-week socks.

Cat Goes Camping
16 July 2015

If Bernard’s tent needed drying out after we got back from camping, we’d put it up in the back garden. Maisy’s reaction: “for me? Thanks!”

Really looking forward to my next gig and giving my “new” wireless kit a proper test.17 July 2015
It’ll be all “where did the bassist go to?” and then five minutes later I’ll return from the bar, without missing a note.17 July 2015

I went through a bit of a phase of using wireless on stage. It works well on large stages, where I can wander about a bit, and is useful during sound check for going out front to hear how the band sound, but it comes with its drawbacks too, so I haven’t used it for a while.

One year exactly since we’ve started geocaching. Been slow in recent months, but we’ve hit 450 today.27 July 2015

Ended up losing interest at 861.

The big problem with living on a canal boat would be figuring out where to keep my bass amp.23 August 2015

Our first narrowboat holiday, on the Grand Union Canal. I was fairly prolific during this one too, with copious updates, including these:

A canal boat holiday is a bit like being a snail.27 August 2015
Which means that my biggest fear right now is @MrCraigWard throwing me up into the air on his way home from the pub.27 August 2015

I should hasten to add that it was many decades ago that Craig used to do this, and I imagine that he would not condone such behaviour today.

Parking on the lowest level of Queens Road car park is herein known as “Doing A @Gammidgy13 September 2015

Later refined to “The Gammidgy Gambit”. I still use this term to this day.

Seeing the Tories shitting themselves is almost enough to make me consider taking an interest in politics again.16 September 2015

Just a reminder that we’ve spent the last seven years getting excited about the imminent demise of the Conservative party.

A pigeon on a lamp post definitely just tried to deliberately shit on me. Let rip exactly as I walked under. Missed by just a few cm.21 September 2015

All birds are bastards.

Rite of passage today as the three of us went for our first bike ride as a family. It was ace.4 October 2015

When I wrote this, I think perhaps I anticipated that this might become a regular thing. It did not.

Shaved with a new soap this evening. Lovely lather, shame I can’t enjoy the aroma thanks to this stinking cold.10 October 2015

At some point I started shaving with a double-edged safety razor. Within a short space of time I accumulated a colossal stash of shaving soaps, probably enough to last me the rest of my life.

My “never refuse a mint” policy lets me down when it turns out that it’s actually chewing gum.15 October 2015

The “never refuse a mint” policy was a piece of wisdom imparted to me from my dad.

A postal service we can all be very proud of.
29 October 2015

The mind boggles.

Got a new envelope filter on its way – looking forward to some awesome squelchy bass funkitude.31 October 2015

October had quite a few tweets about the evolution of my pedalboard.

Finally managed to pull off the elusive behind-the-back shot without just bruising my calves instead! #squash7 November 2015

Karen and I used to play a bit of squash on Saturday mornings, back when Bernard was doing karate.

We’re about to watch The Princess Bride with the boy for the first time. Conceivable.20 November 2015

I’m not sure if they were as impressed as I’d been hoping they’d be. The dozen tweets that follow this one are all quotes from the show, lifted verbatim, and they’re all superb. I’m not going to repost them here, just like I’m not going to repost all the various quotes from the episodes of Game Of Thrones that we were watching during the year.

Cat is getting weirder.
29 November 2015

Maisy got super-weird in her later years, and I loved every moment of it.

Y’see, the word “paella” implies that it’s a type of female pie. BUT IT’S REALLY NOT.4 December 2015

Or isn’t it?

I’ve installed an app on my phone where I put toys in my garden to entice random cats to come and visit. No shame.7 December 2015

Gasp! Neko Atsume! Anyone remember that? Many tweets followed while I was playing this game, including:

The cardboard box that I placed on the table has attracted precisely zero attention so far. Give it time, give it time.7 December 2015
We have a cat in the box! I repeat, we have a cat in the box! Oh, those of you who didn’t believe, you’re not laughing now, are you?7 December 2015
I got Joe DiMeowgio! #NekoAtsume10 December 2015
And now @erzsebel has succumbed to the temptation of #NekoAtsume. The entire household is “playing” it.12 December 2015

Into the last few days of the year…

Okay, little science experiment here. RT if you’ve ever seen a pigeon or other bird.29 December 2015

This cheap shot at gaining some retweets was deservedly completely ignored by the world.

“Around the survivors, a perimeter, create.”31 December 2015

Ah, I guess this was the era where we were introducing Bernard to Star Wars in anticipation of going to see The Force Awakens. This particular line jumped out at me as being hideously awkward in its forced Yodaness.

And this brings 2015 to an end. Thanks for sharing it with me!

Pete
  • Comments: 1
  • You imply in this post that 2015 was the first time I cooked you enchiladas WTF. - Karen
November 23, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2014

The first tweet in the previous instalment was cat-related, and so is this one.

My fucking cat with the fucking “mrow” and the fucking scrit scrit scrit and the fucking everything else.4 January 2014

She was a lovely cat really, I was just having a bad day.

We habitually leave a snack out for the boy’s pre-breakfast
10 January 2014

So classy.

I also had a bit of a tradition in January of taking a week off work, to use up my holiday allowance (my job at the time had a holiday year that started at the beginning of February). Karen and I would often spend this time having a bit of a film marathon.

Every 5 minutes @erzsebel says “THIS is the scariest bit of the book.” #LOTR.13 January 2014
Down in front! #LOTR
13 January 2014
Silly fucking entmoot #LOTR.13 January 2014
“That doesn’t make sense to me, but then, you are very small.” #LOTR.13 January 2014
The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid! #LOTR.16 January 2014
Nearing the end. Stop at eagles? #LOTR.16 January 2014

I suspect we probably did not stop at eagles.

I’m onto a winner
16 January 2014

Leave a comment with your best-scoring word from these letters.

The beard is gone. Too much plucking these last two days resulted in a bald patch in a prominent place. Sorry, beard fans.21 January 2014

I’m sure you’re glad to know the latest in the beard saga.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
A syringe of diarrhoea up your urethra
The Aristocrats14 February 2014

This year’s valentine’s day tweet is nowhere near as adorable as the previous ones, and might well be one of the most revolting things I’ve ever written.

Snappy III: The Snappening
8 March 2014

I went through a couple of venus fly traps prior to this one, but I believe that this is the one that still lives happily in my conservatory to this day, and is very healthy indeed. Eight years!

@erzsebel just made a face like a person who had accidentally swallowed a fly. Turns out she had accidentally swallowed a fly.14 March 2014

She’s better now.

Things to do for me and Bernard today. I reckon we’ll manage about a third of it.
15 March 2014

I’m loving this one, partly because it reminds me of that lovely little blackboard that we used to have, and also because it’s a little snapshot of the sorts of things we used to (and, in some cases, still) do.

Hmmm, suspect my ISP might have started throttling bit torrent. Ah well, I’ve been considering leaving them for a while now.29 March 2014

Indeed I did, and I’m glad I did, because I’ve been with A&A ever since and they are awesome.

Last night I watched a film with my dad. He says it was the first Leonardo di Caprio film he’d ever seen. It had lots of boobs in it.6 April 2014

Everyone has their own version of the “inappropriate film with a family member” story. I have two. I have the one above (Wolf of Wall Street, in case you’re watching). And the other, far worse one, was Total Recall with my grandad back when I was in my early teens. In case you’re wondering which scene in particular, does the phrase “Mmmm you make me wish I had three hands” ring any bells?

That’s what SHE said.
4 May 2014

As always, there’s the traditional livetweeting of Eurovision in May, but I don’t copy those in here because sentences like “Loving the perspective on the postcard #denmark” don’t really mean much to anyone.

My plucking habit got out of control again. I am once more beardless.22 May 2014

Apparently I neglected to update you when the beard returned. I have been remiss.

Sometimes Louis Armstrong sounds like he’s talking to a baby.24 May 2014

Uh, what?

Ababadooby boobydabo24 May 2014

Ah okay thanks for explaining.

Mother in law just said “this is about the best pork I’ve ever had” and I managed to keep a straight face. Go me.25 May 2014

So I reckon you’ve probably been reading through this blog post at a fairly quick pace, right? I suggest you pause and let this one percolate for a bit. Enjoy the giggle, you’ve earned it.

I had this idea for a cartoon last night. Perhaps a more competent artist could do it justice.
15 June 2014

No likes, no favourites. Honestly, I think this is severely underrated.

Alright stop…
19 July 2014

It’s moderately amusing, but is it a highlight? Hmmm, maybe I should raise my standards a bit.

When I see the name Caleb, I can’t help but mentally reverse the order of the letters to see if it makes more sense.8 October 2014

Throwing this out there in case there’s anyone else who goes through the same.

Heh, I just identified Joe Pantoliano in a 1981 episode of M*A*S*H. It was the voice, mainly.12 October 2014

Identifying actors is one of my superpowers. You know, the “what have we seen them before in?” game. I rock at that. This one was one of my crowning achievements.
2014 was also the year that I started making let’s plays videos on YouTube, so some of my tweets during this year were links to new videos, until I set up a separate twitter account for that sort of thing.

We had a meeting at work today about version control systems. Management clearly felt awkward pronouncing “git” so called it G I T instead.4 November 2014

I swear, I honestly believe that this is the reason why we ended up picking Mercurial instead.

This gig isn’t exactly what I was expecting.7 November 2014
Now the choir is singing “I Want To Know What Love Is”.7 November 2014
Hope that answers any questions.7 November 2014

This was one of the most badly-run events I’ve ever played at. It was a decent venue, but the compere would introduce each band as soon as the previous one had finished. Which was fine if it was just a choir shuffling on, but most of the acts were rock bands who would take at least 20 minutes to set up their gear. It was terrifically awkward.

The tail end of the year had a surprising amount of livetweeting of The Apprentice episodes.

And then a huge crowd of angels appeared to Mary and Joseph, saying “lol”9 December 2014

This got a like and a retweet, and I have absolutely no idea why. I think it’s possible that I wrote this while sat in the school nativity performance, and it had been “modernised” in a very cringeworthy way, in which case the like and retweet probably came from Karen, who was sat next to me. I base this theory on the tweets that came immediately afterwards:

Changing the lyrics to “Oh What A Night” to make it nativity-themed gets points, shame about the dry delivery.9 December 2014
Come on kids, shake it.9 December 2014
“What a baby, what a night”9 December 2014

This all rings a vague bell.

The interesting thing about the word phthalates is that it’s a quick way of finding out how much saliva a person generates.12 December 2014

There we go, I think that more than makes up for the MC Hammer joke earlier, right?

I’m eating Matt’s poppadom because he’s a coelacanth.13 December 2014

Just chucking this in there in case anyone else finds this kind of word play as amusing as I do. No? Never mind.

Also, Roy Batty is one of the worst names for a villain ever. Sounds more like one of your dad’s golfing buddies. #BladeRunner19 December 2014

This got loads of likes and retweets, right? Right?

Quick survey of opinion: which bird is the bigger bastard? Cuckoo or magpie? I hate them both, they’re gits.20 December 2014

Definitely magpies.

We’ve got a tree. It leans a little. At the time of writing, it’s still upright. I stress that this is only AT THE TIME OF WRITING.21 December 2014
It’s exactly the right height for Bernard to stand precariously on tiptoes while he tries to put everything on the top branch.21 December 2014
There was some disagreement at the tree shop. Turns out @erzsebel and I have v contrasting opinions about what constitutes the perfect tree.21 December 2014
Of course, when the tree does fall, it’ll be because the cat “investigated” too thoroughly.21 December 2014

I have a fake tree that I purchased in 2002 that has been used most years since, though this was one of the rare years where we decided to splurge on a real one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Shit bollocks no fuck wait a bit31 December 2014

That one was sent at about 8pm.

HAPPY NEW aw crap I did it again didn’t I. Sit tight, I’ll get this eventually…31 December 2014

That one at 9pm

Moon looks good tonight. Taken with a Nexus 4.
31 December 2014
Of course, the fact that I’m holding the Nexus 4 up to @Gammidgy‘s astronomical telescope helps.31 December 2014

And that’s the last one for the year! Hope you’ll come back for the next instalment.

Pete
  • Comments: 1
  • Ah, the Joe Pantiliano ID, that really was a moment. Still brings back happy memories. - Karen
November 21, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2013

No New Years Resolution this time, but I do squeeze this lovely little report into the end of January:

By grabbing the cat’s tail and tickling Karen’s ear with it, I can attain new levels of efficiency by annoying both of them simultaneously.29 January 2013

In February there was a big kerfuffle in the news about the meat in supermarket ready meals not being quite as advertised:

What percentage of my pork pie do you think is horse?15 February 2013
Burrito cat #burrito #cat #burritocat.
20 February 2013

One of my favourite photos of Maisy. Look at me having fun with filters too. And the whole supermarket meat thing is still going on in March.

Going for fish and chips shortly. Wondering about the likelihood of my haddock being 70% seahorse.2 March 2013

That’s a half-decent pun, nice one me. Still on a food theme:

Little known musical fact: Phil Collins’ “No Jacket Required” is actually a concept album about mashed potato.3 March 2013
How dare Google cancel something that I actually use!14 March 2013

Based on the date, I assume that this is with reference to Google Reader. The internet was never the same again.

400,000 species of beetle, yet coincidentally they all have one thing in common: a metal pin through their backs.17 March 2013

This joke almost seems too good to have been original. Did I steal this from someone?

More “shit”s and “bastard”s in Back To The Future than I remembered. Wonder if the 6yo has heard these words before.17 March 2013

Ah the perils of parenting, and the uncertainty of that PG certificate.

I’ve finished my bottle of Glenmorangie. There is now a space on the shelf #scotch #timeToGoShopping27 March 2013

This was in the midst of my “single malt scotch” phase, which would eventually be replaced by my “acid reflux” phase and my “heart arrhythmia” phase.

I did not know, when I woke up this morning, that I’d be seeing a synchrotron today. Bet you’re all jealous now.6 April 2013

Ah this was a cool day – out of the blue Gammidgy contacted me and said he was going to Diamond Light Source for a tour that afternoon and asked if I wanted to come along.

Ah, politicians. Snipe and bitch and belittle and complain while your opponent is alive, mandatory day of love once they die.10 April 2013

Margaret Thatcher, I presume.

I just reserved my mammoth. Hands off. It’s my fucking mammoth. Get away from it you bastard.12 April 2013

Mammoth was the social network that, briefly, was going to replace Twitter.

Legoland is shit today. Exhibit one: the Enchanted Forest has been pruned.
13 April 2013
Legoland is shit today. Technical difficulties inhibiting The Pirates of Skeleton Fucking Bay.13 April 2013
Legoland is shit today. Loads of closures, some planned, some not.13 April 2013
Legoland is shit today. Only 2pm and we’re already considering going home.13 April 2013
Legoland is shit today. Sky Rider was working earlier, now it’s busted.
13 April 2013

Small boy: “Hills. Hills are always sick. You have to get away from hills.”

You didn’t want context, right?13 April 2013

Back when I referred to my offspring as Small Boy, we had annual passes to Legoland and spent a lot of time there, generally traipsing round the same few attractions every time.

I’m bored, anyone want to come over to play Pin The Rucksack On The Ocelot? You’ll have to bring your PTROTO set though, I’ve lost mine.24 April 2013

I’m so random.

Hey, remember that mammoth thing that everyone was creaming themselves over two weeks ago? What happened with that?1 May 2013

Didn’t last long, did it?

Teaching my dad to copy and paste never gets old. Oh. Wait.20 May 2013

I feel like at this point I’m starting to become self-aware of how often I tweet this.

When the cat buries her nose in my armpit and takes lots of sharp breaths, I’m never quite sure what to make of it.26 May 2013

Yeah you do. She’s just a weirdo.

My cat food brings all the cats to the kitchen, and they’re like, MRAAAAOIIIWWWWWW.27 May 2013
I cle1aned my keybo1ard. I think th1at I m1ay h1ave to buy 1a new keybo1ard. !And 1all I w1anted to do w1as give it 1a new le1ase of life.11 June 2013

I can confirm that this was not me “doing a bit”. It was fine once it dried out a bit more.
During the middle of this year there were numerous tweets about the station refurbishment in town. One of my concerns was about ticket barriers – the old station had never had ticket barriers, and the new main building definitely would. However, there was little communication about what would happen to the secondary entrance. Would they install ticket barriers there too? Or would they close it off entirely? Since that was the entrance I used, I was understandably concerned.

The first aid kit in our office is so old and rarely used that I think there might be leeches and a trepanning drill down there somewhere.5 July 2013

I then went out drinking, and on this occasion was being a pretentious drunk:

One of my favourite things about 2am is that feeling of having the streets to yourself. Depending on where you live, I suppose.6 July 2013
And the sound of bass escaping a late night pub, people drinking in the hope of finding something, or losing something.6 July 2013
A part of me wants to go closer, to engage, but I know that the reality of it will be not as poetic as I want it to be.6 July 2013

Give it a rest, will you? Arsehole.

@erzsebel‘s plan to go to the ice bar might have found a hitch. She’s wearing flip flops. I love this woman so much.2 August 2013
Deposits2 October 2013
Um… that’s not what I meant to say.2 October 2013

Another one of those odd incidents where I feel like I didn’t really follow through completely.

I have more clothes than I need. At no time is this more apparent than when trying to choose what jumper to put on.11 October 2013

Since then, things have gotten worse, not better.

Sometimes I find myself mesmerised by the smell of my own armpits.23 October 2013

Well at least now we know where the cat gets it from.

I need to stop absentmindedly plucking my beard hairs. I’ll get bald spots.25 October 2013

As predicted, yes I did get bald spots. I’ve stopped doing it now though.

…my son will have sushi and Yorkshire pudding, please. http://t.co/w3zTJPhfwQ #OhGodWhatIsHeEating
28 October 2013

Back in simpler times, when a Pan-Asian buffet restaurant didn’t seem like the most unhygienic thing in the world.

The cash machine was dispensing only fivers. This seems like a really big deal to me, worthy of tweeting.29 October 2013

Back when we used to go to restaurants, I really liked having a decent stockpile of £5 notes in my wallet to leave as tips.

In an attempt to stop my absent-minded beard-plucking problem, I have purchased a small comb for £3.60.7 November 2013
Now I’m obsessively combing my beard. Not sure if I’d call this an improvement.7 November 2013

As you can see, the whole beard-plucking thing was a big deal for me at the time.

My favourite bit of @erzsebel‘s exercise regime is the naked stretches afterwards. Oops, was I not supposed to mention that? How indiscreet.9 November 2013

I didn’t ask her permission before including that tweet in this article, because she might have said no.

I have been forced to deal with the bald patches (brought on by my terrible beard-plucking habit) by going Full Gordon Freeman.21 November 2013

I’m still going on about the beard thing.

Maisy is enthralled by nature documentaries. She also likes The Good Wife.
24 November 2013
Crisp dust
Raining down
On my face
I tip the packet up
Oh yeah
I tip the packet up
Right up.4 December 2013

Stretching the boundaries of poetry again, I see.

I’ve figured out why I have communication issues with my cat. She’s Danish. Problem solved.7 December 2013

But how do you know that she’s Danish? Don’t leave us ha…

How do I know, I hear you ask. She doesn’t watch the subtitles when Borgen is on. QED.7 December 2013

Ahhhhh yeah that adds up.

He sees when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He’s implementing filters on your internet connection. Wake up, sheeple!24 December 2013

We’re nearly at the end of the year. What nugget of wisdom will I finish the year on?

My stubborn splinter, after 24 hours, seems to have either popped out by itself, or has gone underground and is making for my aorta.31 December 2013

And then five years later I started experiencing afibrillations. Coincidence? Who knows.

Pete