January 22, 2023


I have a tendency to build small stockpiles. I get into a thing, and before I know it I have accumulated a stockpile of that thing, and have to force myself to stop buying that thing in order to use up the stacks of thing that I gathered during my initial fascination.

Shaving soap

In 2019 I started shaving using a double-edged safety razor. I foolishly subscribed to a pertinent subreddit, and exposed myself to the immense collections of some of the people on that subreddit. A little bit of that acquisitiveness rubbed off on me, and my desire for various shaving soaps quickly got out of hand. My stockpile is now probably big enough that it will keep me going for the rest of my life. I hasten to add, it’s far from the largest collection that I’ve ever seen. But it’s still too big for my own needs. I also have three shaving brushes and two razors, where one of each would be ample.


I’ve always been quite impartial to a nice notebook, but at some stage I must have switched from buying notebooks when I needed one, to buying them whenever I saw one that appealed to me. I now have a stack of fifteen unused notebooks, and that’s just the A5 ones. I have even more, of different sizes, in a drawer. At the rate I get through them, I think I’ve probably got at least enough to last me a decade.


Once upon a time I came up with the idea of keeping a snack or two in my desk drawer in case I get peckish while I work. Naturally, it doesn’t take long before this becomes “I must have a diverse range of snacks in my desk drawer that would put a school tuck shop to shame.” Upon realising that this has happened, I then make a conscious effort to run down the stocks to bring things back to a sensible level. After a short while, my memory resets, and the whole cycle repeats itself. Right now I’m in a fairly sensible place, with just two flapjacks and a small chocolate bar in the stash, but I’m sure it won’t last.

Hot Chocolate

This is my latest obsession. Karen bought me a Hotel Chocolate Velvetiser for Christmas. I’d always poked fun at them, partly because of the dumb-ass name, and partly because it seemed like the kind of thing that is done by a struggling company desperate to find a new revenue stream. Well, turns out, it’s actually a really good piece of kit. Over the last few weeks, every time I’m in a supermarket I gravitate towards the chocolate section and assess the products for how well I think they’d work in a drinkable format, and this has resulted in a few purchases that I wouldn’t otherwise have made. The other day we turned a bar of Lindt “Mint Intense” into three mugs of hot chocolate and it was delectable. This could get out of hand very quickly.

January 1, 2023

2022: Best Books

As I start this post, I haven’t decided how many books it will feature. Last year, I did a neat ten, so perhaps the question is, did 2022 fit itself into a tidy box, or not? As years ago, it had an unpleasant rollercoaster vibe, and I’m not sorry to say goodbye to that arbitrary parcel of time.

Here are some of the 59 books I recorded on my list, which does feature a handful that I didn’t finish, because I’m old now and I don’t keep reading things I’m not enjoying. I did make an exception to this rule for Jasper Gibson’s A Bright Moon for Fools,, and I was right to do so. My list is once again swelled by audiobooks, which I listen to while I’m running and sometimes when I’m doing stuff around the house. I never thought I would get into audiobooks, but it’s been wonderful this last couple of years, to have their company.

Names for the Sea, by Sarah Moss
Sarah Moss writes slightly dark novels, as far as I can tell; I listened to the audiobook of The Fell, set in lockdown, which I also enjoyed. Names for the Sea is non-fiction, the story of her family’s short emigration to Iceland. I found it very relatable, the sense of bafflement trying to figure out life administration in a foreign language, always on the verge of committing some cultural offense, discovering delightful things but mainly finding it all really, really difficult. I’d like to visit Iceland and this didn’t entirely put me off.

Pandora’s Jar, by Natalie Haynes
Natalie (I call her Natalie because I have seen her on stage at Also so many times, she’s like my mate) features on the list twice this year (wait for it…). Pandora’s Jar is non-fiction, but within her usual remit of retelling myths and legends where the female characters are more than just foils and plot devices. She unpacks the origin stories of Medea, Pandora, Medusa, Jocasta, Helen and Penelope, not only through her knowledge of the early Greek writings, but also with reference to contemporary texts – and we certainly share opinions on Clash of the Titans, which pleases me. This was a good warm-up for this year’s Book of the Year.

We Need New Stories, by Nesrine Malik
I’ve done a lot of Very Serious Reading again this year, because at work I have a big Equity, Diversity & Inclusion element to my role (and also because I find it interesting and improving), and I think actually I’ve always exposed myself to diversity in my reading. We Need New Stories slices through such toxic and divisive issues as Brexit and identity politics, showing what nonsense we have told ourselves in order to get to where we are. It doesn’t matter how liberal you think you are, there will be stuff in this book that hits you in the humilities, and makes you re-examine your thinking. I need to read it again.

The Beekeeper of Aleppo, by Christy Lefteri
This is the story of refugees, and was just sad, sad, sad. I couldn’t put it down.

Lessons in Chemistry, by Bonnie Garmus
I am looking at my list and there are just so many strong novels on it this year, it would be quicker to list the bad books. If you’re in the mood for engaging fiction with a feminist punch, and who isn’t, then you might enjoy the tale of a female scientist in the 1950s, who makes it big as a TV chef – the first TV chef – and her refusal to alter herself to fit the world’s expectations. It also has one of fiction’s best dogs.

Notes on an Execution, by Danya Kukafka
This is an intense and disturbing tale that deconstructs the life and growth of a serial killer, through the stories of the women in his life. Gripping, moving, and so absorbing that it’s perfect to listen to while running. Really got my distance up while I had this playing.

Piranesi, by Susanna Clarke
Another audiobook, another utterly absorbing tale. Piranesi is a character trapped in a strange world, perhaps some dystopian future, where familiar objects and events make more sense to the reader than they do to him. His quest for survival and his search for understanding are heartbreaking, and the answers that he finds feel dissatisfying – I didn’t love the ending, but the vast majority of the book was so wonderful that it still features on this list.

Klara and the Sun, by Kazuo Ishiguro
Ishiguro has the lightest touch, leaving the reader/listener to figure out what’s happening in this sci-fi future, described only from the perspective of an AI being. Klara and Piranesi have a lot in common in their telling, with characters who invest meaning in the mundane, without fully understanding why those things matter. As with many of Ishiguro’s novels, none of the characters are fully likeable, and yet the reader is emotionally invested in their fates.

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street, by Natasha Pulley
This is a charming and absorbing steampunk novel, with a wonderful cast and a satisfying set of twists that you absolutely do not see coming. I say that, I expect you probably would see them coming; I didn’t. Reminded me in lots of ways of The Night Circus, without the actual magic.

Light Perpetual, by Francis Spufford
I read Golden Hill back in 2017, and if I had written a books of the year post that year, it would have been on it. I had high hopes for Light Perpetual, and it lived up to them. I love a cleverly structured novel, and it’s quite remarkable to be reading a book where you know the ending from the start, which is that none of this can happen, and yet be completely absorbed in the intertwined journeys that the characters never really take. Just read it, it will make more sense.

The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaiman
I was a late-adopter of Gaiman fandom, possibly because I associated him with Terry Pratchett and never liked those books much. I’m sorry, I know that’s practically heresy, I can’t account for what I feel. Nevertheless, when I finally did first pick up a Neil Gaiman novel, it was a bit of what-were-you-waiting-for moment, and I’ve enjoyed most of what I’ve read by him, and I’d really like to see this at the theatre; I understand it’s touring at the moment. Gaiman gives me just the right amount of fantasy, laced with the world that I know and sometimes understand, and I find his writing quite magical.

Shuggie Bain, by Douglas Stuart
This autobiographical novel of growing up in a poor Glaswegian family in the 70s and 80s seems like a throwback to the Sad Irish Family genre that was popular a couple of decades ago, except it’s not softened in any way at all. The description of the mother’s alcoholism is brutal and at times difficult to read, and I found the violent, philandering, gaslighting father just as horrible. The setting is bleak and there appears to be no possibility of happiness for any of the characters. I don’t think I can honestly say that I “enjoyed” this book, but I did finish it with a sense of having been through something. I guess I am wishing that on you, too.

But don’t despair, you can follow it up with my Book of the Year for 2022. Ideally, listen to Stone Blind on audiobook, as it’s read by the author, and yes it’s Natalie Haynes again, a seasoned performer and the perfect person to read you her own brilliant words. Stone Blind tells you the tale of Medusa, the youngest of the Gorgon sisters, raped by Poseidon, cursed by Athena, murdered by the brat Perseus. The question asked in this novel is, who are the real monsters? I think you know where we are going with that. Once again bringing the women back into their own stories, as though the perspective of half the planet’s population is a radical new lens with which to see the world: any good book will make you think, but this year hasn’t there been a rich crop of books that ask you to really question your place in the world and everything you’ve ever assumed to be true?

Anyway, I’m doing a PhD now, so I won’t be able to read so much in 2023. Have a good one.

December 7, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2022

While it may seem to be a bit strange to be writing this summary while there is still nearly 1/12 of the year left, I have now more or less stopped using Twitter, so it’s safe to assume that there’s not going to be any eleventh-hour additions.

This is pancakes with gammon, sausages, bacon, stuffing and maple syrup. It’s another one of my culinary victories.
2 January 2022

I feel like I got this year off to a good start.

I recently stumbled upon a backup of a blog that I wrote back in 2004, under a pseudonym. I remembered about the blog, but what I had forgotten is that apparently there was an additional contributor. I can’t remember who they were. This is a very exciting mystery.27 January 2022

I still haven’t figured this out. I’ve got a theory, but it’s only a theory.

This looks like I’ve freeze framed her in the middle of a ridiculous rotation, but no, she really just lies like this.
4 February 2022

The fluffy tummy is so inviting, but you know what will happen if you reach for it.

Many people think that the idea of combining potatoes with flour and rolling it into little balls won’t work, but I think they shouldn’t gnocchi it until they’ve tried it.8 February 2022

If you groaned, then that’s as good as a laugh in my book.

I’ve booked my 5 year old phone in for a battery replacement on Tuesday. As you can probably tell, I quite like this phone.12 March 2022

This turned out to be a terrible idea. The “new” battery was as bad as, if not worse than, the old one. I ended up having to buy a new phone, which was a bit of a shame.

In Dyas I just heard a kid say “daddy, can we buy a soda stream?” and it feels like I’ve traveled back in time to the 80s15 April 2022

I remember asking for a soda stream once upon a time. My parents had the sense to veto that one.

Hey guess which fucking idiot broke his toe the day before his holiday16 April 2022

I seem to have form on this one.

I have carried a hatred for Mika for nearly 20 years and I’m not planning on stopping any time soon14 May 2022

In contrast with previous years, I was very quiet on Twitter during Eurovision this year. I think that’s probably because I was chatting with some friends on a Telegram group instead.

Holy shit you might not believe this but Cars 3 is brilliant5 June 2022

The original Pixar Cars movie was fantastic, and I lost track of the number of times I watched and rewatched it with the wee Bernard. The sequel was dire, and so I was expecting the sequel sequel to be direrer. But Bernard recommended it to me, and we watched it together. It was an adorable bonding moment, and the film was superb to boot!

Well compared to the last two Tory prime minister resignation speeches, that one was a bit underwhelming7 July 2022

It says a lot that I couldn’t initially remember exactly whose speech this was, as we’ve had so many Tory prime ministers this year.

Clearing out the garage is always an intensely rewarding experience. I’m never unimpressed by how much space we’re able to reclaim4 September 2022

Based on this post, it seems that we do it about every four years. Hypothetically, if we were to do it more often, would it be less rewarding, because there’s less improvement to be had?

Before this last week, if you asked me whether I was pro or anti monarchy, I’d have said “Moderately anti”. I have to remind myself that social media will always try and push us towards the extremes, and it’s okay to still be “moderately anti”.14 September 2022

Queen Elizabeth 2 died this year. For the last few decades there’s been an undercurrent of murmuring about how big a deal it will be when it happens. Leaving aside the very peculiar behaviour exhibited by those who decided to go into London and queue for hours just to walk past a wooden box, I think we all have to agree that it’s not really affected our lives in the slightest. Some people tried to take this opportunity to start a debate about whether we still need a monarchy, but were shouted down, being told that it was disrespectful to do it at this particular moment. I wonder when the convenient time would be.

Really pisses me off on TV drama shows when a detective walks away from their computer and leaves it unlocked.15 September 2022

An interesting side effect of doing this twitter review project is learning how often I go back to the same well. This particular thought was also tweeted on 9 May 2021 – less than 18 months before. On that occasion, it got 2 likes. This time, it got 27.

I just played along to the Game Of Thrones theme on my stylophone without any preparation and @erzsebel thought it was amazing19 September 2022

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m often less than 100% honest on social media. See if you can guess which part of this particular post was fabricated.

Over recent days I’ve been talking to my cat using a “baby” voice, as an article I read suggested that they respond better to this than being talked to like a human. Much to my chagrin, indeed my relationship with her seems to have improved. I’ve lost all respect for her.28 October 2022

But she is a fwuffy wuffy pussikins with a big catty watty face yes you are yes you are.

Before this here social media platform collapses entirely, I’m hoping that Google will relaunch Reader and we can all go back to blogging like proper civilised human beings.29 October 2022

The end is nigh.

I went to a leadership skills training session in 2016. When asked to give an example of someone that I respect as a leader, I said @elonmusk. I still cringe when I remember that.31 October 2022

It’s very very nigh.

Hehehe watch the trick or treaters run for it when the rain starts31 October 2022

It’s halloween!

Mastodon account created. It’s the first step.6 November 2022

Aaaand the end is nigh again.

Mastodon: for general social media purposes
Twitter: can’t take my eyes off the Elon Musk car crash7 November 2022

You can sense that I’m basically already checked out at this point.

It does feel a little bit like the motif for late 2022 is “rich dickheads get what’s coming to them.” I’m totally here for this.10 November 2022

Here’s hoping.

So, have I left Twitter entirely? No, not completely. But it’s definitely not my first port of call, and I’m much less active on there than I used to be. I might occasionally retweet something interesting, and I may write something on there if I specifically want to tag someone who isn’t in my Mastodon friends list, but I think the key word here is “investment”. Whereas previously I felt invested in Twitter as a community and as an extension of my social life, it’s now just a thing that I’m gradually phasing out, like using up the last of a tub of butter.

December 5, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2021

The year is 2028. Boris sits behind his desk and solemnly announces that he has no choice but to declare a 17th national lockdown. He reassures us that if everyone follows the rules then the end is in sight.4 January 2021

I clearly got some aspects of this prediction wrong.

In two months time, every advert you watch will be a sea shanty. Just checking you were ready for that.14 January 2021

Ah yes, the Wellerman Era.

Streeeetch… #Henry
15 January 2021

Henry, for all his flaws, was at least a good lap-sitter.

When I push my chair back I can feel the sun on my face and it’s glorious12 February 2021

My home office catches the sun very nicely in the morning.

I am eating the most amazing burrito in the world. It contains mexican pork, rice, cheese, two different hot sauces, and thinly sliced pork pie.19 February 2021
You want one, don’t try to pretend otherwise19 February 2021

Well that ending caught me by surprise.

I don’t understand why The Good Old Boys would be showing up to a gig at Bob’s Country Bunker after all the punters have already gone home for the night.27 February 2021

It makes no sense. Immersion – ruined.

Why do people on TV shows never lock their goddamn computers?9 May 2021

This will never stop bothering me.

One vaccination, in my arm.9
May 2021
Stay tuned for livetweeting of side effects9 May 2021
Is my arm starting to feel sore? Or am I just imagining it feeling sore because I’ve been told that that’s one of the side effects9 May 2021
My neck is feeling a bit sore but I think that’s just Karen’s driving9 May 2021
Kinda regretting my promise to livetweet the side effects now, it’s all been quite boring. Left arm still feels a bit tender but other than that, nothing to report so far.9 May 2021
I am getting a hankering to watch an episode of Columbo though. Could that be a side effect?9 May 2021
Feverish. Shivering. Paracetamol.10 May 2021
My brain spent a lot of the night buzzing and keeping me awake. I’m still feverish, and bracing myself for a day full of being useless.10 May 2021
Side effect update: I’m still a little raging inferno of temperature, but I have managed such exciting things as walking downstairs to eat lunch. Trying to decide whether to go back to bed this afternoon, or to stay seated upright, now that I’ve made all this progress.10 May 2021
Side effect (final) update: it’s all over.11 May 2021
A new side effect has manifested – I can see all of the universe’s past and future, combined yet distinct, arranged in front of me like the hairs on a cat’s coat, myriad colours sparkling in a ray of sunlight. I have transcended my earthly form. Is this normal?11 May 2021

The story of my first COVID booster

Heaven is a 36-pack of Tunnocks tea cakes. Yes, 36.21 May 2021

My Twitter following has grown to the point where something like this can get me 4 likes and a retweet. Most of my tweets get at least one like these days actually, I must have a fan.

It’s scary how many of these songs are actually really good. #Eurovision22 May 2021

Eurovision 2021 is remarkable for Iceland’s entry, 10 Years by DaĆ°i Freyr, which utterly slaps.

The lyrical content also resonates with me, being, as I am, one of those fortunate to be in a long term relationship with someone so fascinating.23 May 2021

I hope this is enough to make up for the remark about her driving.

The thrill that comes with purchasing stackable storage boxes is a fleeting one, and pretty soon you find yourself considering the next purchase of stackable storage boxes, chasing that high.12 June 2021

I do have a tendency to go overboard with this sort of thing. One day I’ll show you the stack of blank notebooks that wobbles on the bookshelf behind me.

I just spent way too long looking for the heating instructions on that pot of gazpacho soup.

I am Arnold Rimmer.21 June 2021

I refer you back to the tweet of 21 June 2019.

Hey hotel owners, a bathroom should have a solid door that locks. A frosted glass screen that swings freely to and fro, and covers 90% of a doorway, may look nice, but fails on certain functional requirements.27 June 2021

Any hotel owners who don’t know what I’m talking about, please feel free to drop me a message and I’ll be happy to clarify.

This clip is actually a robot wolf.
28 June 2021


There’s a jar of chutney that I can’t open. Every time I go into the kitchen I dash up to it and give it a big tug, in the hopes that I might catch it by surprise.30 June 2021

Since then I’ve mastered the art of using a bit of hot water to loosen the lid. Top tip – you’re not doing it for long enough.

This morning’s earworm is “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones. I post this here so that I can take solace in the fact that someone else is now going through this with me.8 July 2021

Five people “liked” this and I can’t help wondering if by “like” what they actually mean is “arrrrggghhh!”

Did you know that during the recording of Bohemian Rhapsody, the sessions kept having to be paused to deal with the stab wounds that Freddie Mercury’s two young sons kept sustaining as a result of their love of fighting with real knives?11 July 2021

Uhhhh that makes no sense at all. Where am I going with this?

In other news, I had my second jab yesterday. Is one of the listed side effects “weird dreams”?11 July 2021

Oh riiiiight it’s one of those.

@NathanielRich I’ve nearly finished King Zeno and enjoyed it a lot, but Frank Bailey can’t have been a bass guitarist before 1919 because the bass guitar was invented in 1935.15 July 2021

The ability to point out the historical inaccuracies in a novelist’s work directly to their face is clearly one of the best things that Twitter gave the world.

We’re at the National Emergency Services Museum
22 July 2021

There was no way I could let this opportunity pass. Sadly the collection of magnetic letters didn’t quite have enough digits so I did have to make one small compromise.
Three retweets and seven likes, in case you were curious.

My son just asked “where is Felixstowe?”
With a setup like that, it was impossible to resist.10 August 2021

Hang on. Hang on just a second. I can’t believe what’s happened here. You’ve read the 2020 entry, right? How could this be? Someone’s made a colossal mistake here. And that someone is me.

At some point, the writers of The Crown will get ahead of the original source material and start having to make things up. We saw how badly that turned out for Game Of Thrones.19 August 2021

I like to assume that they’re not making stuff up already.

Me: Hi, computer. Shall we make some music together?
Computer: Maintenance in progress
Me: Okay then.15 September 2021

I swear that my computer is doing this more and more often now that the operating system is reaching EOL, to try and make me upgrade.

I think it might be time to leave the Amazon wishlist behind forever. It feels like every time it open up there’s another “This item is no longer available.” with no clue of what the item was. I’m sure it wasn’t anything important or useful or remotely interesting.19 September 2021

Amazon in general has had its day, I think. Turns out that being able to know the providence of the item you’re ordering is more important than we thought.

This can of deodorant looks like a luchadore.
30 September 2021

Just me? Okay then.

There was a mid-90s sitcom called Game On. Wasn’t ever particularly good, and I imagine it’s aged terribly, but five minutes into the first episode there was a line that was of such spectacular wisdom that it’s stayed with me ever since, and even informs my professional ethos.3 October 2021
“There is a time to surf – and there is a time to wax your board.”3 October 2021

I could spend hours meditating on this one sentence alone.

I’ve just invented the most horrifically nasty snack concept and need to go to the shop to buy the ingredients. Photos later this afternoon.13 November 2021
Okay we’ve got the ingredients
13 November 2021
They’re in
13 November 2021
And they are beautiful
13 November 2021
I’ve just been told that I’ve just reinvented something called “smores” which has left me feeling a little deflated13 November 2021
Deflated in an emotional sense, I mean. On a physical level, I’m stuffed to the gunwales after just one and a half of them.13 November 2021

These were amazing and I haven’t made them since because I think that the human body can probably only handle them once a decade.

I often look at a word and can’t help but pronounce it in my head as if it were an ancient Greek philosopher. Today’s offender is Pomegranates5 December 2021

As these tweets get closer to the current date, I feel less and less like I’m reading something that was written by Past Pete, and more and more like I’m reading the thoughts of Present Pete.

Today I realised that the lyrics to “Kelly’s Heroes” by Black Grape do not include the line “Most of these men sing like Suggs.”28 December 2021

I’m glad that this year’s final tweet was a gem like this.

And so ends 2021. The next instalment will be the last!

December 3, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2020

We have reached 2020, that strange year which was only two years ago but it feels like ten.

So far my New Years Resolution to eat lots of raisins is going terribly. While I ate plenty of raisins in the closing days of 2019, so far in 2020 I’ve mainly eaten half a bag of chocolate covered peanuts that are two months past their best before date.3 January 2020

Life was going pretty well for me in early January 2020. I was staring down the barrel of some fairly big life-altering changes, but optimistic with it. I was taking treatment for my acid reflux, which was working quite well, and hoping to get off of it soon. However I was experiencing a heart arrhythmia, which might have been being caused as a side-effect of the acid reflux treatment, but it was hard to know for sure.

A sitcom about meat but in space10 January 2020

I adopted this tweet format a few times, with mixed success.

New potential employer: We’d like to offer you the job. When can you start?
My imposter syndrome: You haven’t forgotten I’m here, have you?28 January 2020

This is the fairly big life-altering change just alluded to.

The last photo I took of Maisy. Forever immortalised in full legs-akimbo mode. You’ll be missed, you beautiful creature.
6 February 2020

What can I say? This was a terrible day.

There might be a few of these sorts of photos for the next few days. Apologies in advance. #RipMaisy
7 February 2020

Don’t worry, I didn’t publicly wallow in my grief for too long.

A book, but with a soundtrack that automatically plays when you get to the relevant parts.14 February 2020

I think this is better than the meat sitcom idea.

A shower tray that changes colour with temperature29 February 2020

This is useful for people whose showers take a long time to warm up.

I started a new job this week so haven’t had much time to keep up with the social medias. Is COVID19 still a thing?4 March 2020

Let’s assume that I was being tongue in cheek here. Otherwise, mate, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Now my home office desk is also my work office desk, I’m giving it a very thorough tidy this weekend. Very satisfying.21 March 2020

Back when this whole thing was still an exciting novelty that was all going to be over by June.

INDOORS23 March 2020

Ah yes, that bit where we were all quoting the Mitchell and Webb sketch, I remember that too.

Ways you know you’re living in a post-apocalyptic dystopia #557:

@erzsebel (unpacking shopping): [excited noises]
Me: what’s that?
@erzsebel (holding items aloft): I got kidney beans!28 March 2020

The stuff we joked about, eh?

Important lockdown procrastination task #2265: Reorganising this heap of crap
28 March 2020
Immediately I’m regretting embarking upon this project. My enthusiasm has dissipated in nanoseconds.28 March 2020
It’s not perfect, but it’s a whole heap better than it was.
28 March 2020

Can you tell the difference? It’s not the night-and-day difference that I had been hoping for, I must admit.

I’m honestly feeling sorry for everyone right now whose “Discover Weekly” playlist on Spotify DOESN’T include the Baywatch theme tune.19 April 2020

This is the moment where you can see that the lockdown is starting to have a detrimental effect on me.

Things I haven’t used much in the last two months, number 312: portable power bank for my mobile phone15 May 2020

Of course, one of the benefits of the lockdown is that I managed to get an extra couple of years out of my mobile phone. The battery life was in a bad way, but if you never leave the house, it doesn’t really matter.

Every day I ask myself if my son is old enough yet for the chickpea joke.24 May 2020

I’m pretty sure Bernard is old enough for it now, but I’ve lost track of whether I’ve actually told it or not.

The red kites are flying alarmingly low today26 May 2020

It’s a running joke in our household that I’m scared of birds, and I play along because it’s cute.

I think that church would be more popular if they introduced BBQ flavoured communion wafers.29 May 2020

I think I probably wrote this after eating (and enjoying) some BBQ flavour popchips, which are probably the closest thing we’re ever going to get.

I remember back in early March, a friend who was a self-proclaimed expert in virology laughed at my refusal to shake hands, and told me that Covid-19 was no worse than flu.31 May 2020

The word here that leaps out at me most now is “friend”.

My son just asked me “where is Felixstowe?” At last, my years of patiently waiting to deploy that particular dad-joke paid off.8 July 2020

A deadpan delivery of this punchline would have been ideal, but I was just way too excited for that to even remotely be a possibility.

Henry, 10 days in.
8 July 2020

Henry wasn’t the immediate replacement for Maisy – that honour would go to Barney, who was with us for all of about 5 minutes. There’s a whole story there, remind me to tell you sometime. If you’re interested in learning more about Henry, I wrote a blog post.

Waiting for bats.
6 August 2020

Seems like a pleasant little local sunset photo.

Henry did have certain talents.

Our scheduled Thursday evening “sit in the conservatory with a beer and pretend to be in a pub” routine has been undermined this week by the fact that it’s bloody cold in the conservatory tonight.24 September 2020

We introduced this routine during the covid lockdown. Since then, it has gradually morphed into “watch television, just like any other night, but with a bowl of nuts”.

Cream on jam on scone and this hill I WILL die on20 December 2020

This tweet in itself isn’t of particular interest, until you consider this one from less than two years later:

Scones. Jam on cream or cream on jam, makes no odds to me. Not even sure I have a consistent way of doing it myself.29 August 2022

But let’s stop time-travelling, let’s see what our final tweet for 2020 was.

Eating smoked salmon over the sink – can’t figure out whether this makes me very posh or very common31 December 2020

It makes you very “Pete”, Pete.

December 1, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2019

Welcome back! The years are disappearing under our wheels like an ice lolly in the sun.

I have a problem. A fresh cup of tea and a cat on my lap, when I need to leave the house in ten minutes.20 January 2019

So I guess that at this stage in my life, I’ve long since stopped drinking alcohol, but am still on the caffeine, occasionally.

Today’s happy cat photo
21 January 2019

That is an ecstatic cat, and so I’m glad to see that this tweet picked up 5 likes and a retweet.

All parents, at some point, ask themselves “am I a bad parent?” It can be a complex question to address. Unless you’re teaching your children that “green man = go, red man = RUN before the cars start to move.” In that case, it becomes much simpler.23 January 2019

Such a grumpy curmudgeon that day.

Don’t disturb the cat – she’s on the phone.
27 January 2019

ON the phone! “ON” the phone! Get it? Get it? Ahahahahahahah!

Look at the state of my cat
9 February 2019

Having figured out, about ten years after the rest of the internet, that adorable cat photos are the key to getting lots of likes, I’m really going for it now.

Remember back when you’d sit at your computer and just chat to whichever of your friends happened to be online? I kinda miss that.15 February 2019

Of course, nowadays everyone is online all the time, so how do you know who to talk to? Back then, you’d sign in to IM, and if someone’s name was on the list, then that was an invitation to talk. There’s no invitation element nowadays, and I’m like a vampire – I need to be invited.

Parking in Bristol is, and I say this without any fear of hyperbole, utter bullshit. It seems like every single street has its own charging structure and time limits. “Oh, you want to park on King Paul’s Street? That’ll be 12p per 18 minutes. Max stay 5.3 hours.”24 February 2019

Somebody out there liked this.

I’m preparing for Brexit. I’ve stocked up on weapons and am going to kill you all and eat your corpses. In fact, might just get a head start on that this weekend. Look out!27 February 2019
Of course, if it now turns out that there’s an actual cannibal killing spree this weekend then I might regret that last tweet.27 February 2019

I think that this might be my first use of the “B” word on Twitter.

Surprise your mum by sending her a Mother’s Day card this weekend.1 March 2019
I certainly did.1 March 2019

I’m not sure what happened here – I think I saw one of those “don’t forget Mother’s Day this year!” posters and panicked, and forgot to check the date. Thankfully I recovered from this faux pas with impeccable grace, by purchasing an identical card and sending it to her again for the actual Mother’s Day. And then the same card again for her birthday, later in the year. I was pretty pleased with that.

In my meeting today I kept a surreptitious tally of how many times the word “guys” was used. I clocked 26 and I’m pretty sure I didn’t even catch all of them.13 March 2019

Ah, I guess 2019 was the year when I started being annoyed by the word “guys” then.

The boy’s Spanish homework looks like a bunch of Pulp lyrics.
13 March 2019

You’re reading this in Jarvis’ voice now, aren’t you? Alright. 8 likes, but zero retweets, which seems unforgiveable.

I never tire of the price of beer in Budapest20 April 2019
I feel like I’m a student around the turn of the millennium again.20 April 2019

So by this time I’m already very deep into my alcohol-free beer explorations, yet tweets like this make me think that I must have been still drinking alcoholic beer occasionally.

We’re catching up on Line of Duty and we’ve decided to make a drinking game of it. Every time someone says “bent coppers”, take a sip. This might be a terrible idea.24 April 2019
Maybe using “OCG” as the key phrase for our drinking game was a bad idea. #LineofDuty24 April 2019

Yeah, I’m clearly not teetotal.

Never thought I’d be so happy to hear a bit of autotune. #Eurovision #Madonna18 May 2019
I love when the country representatives decide to sing their 12 point announcements. Reminds me of Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec. #Eurovision18 May 2019

I normally post quite a lot of tweets on Eurovision night, lots of throwaway remarks about the various acts. This year, I only posted two – one about the intermission act (Madonna, who, back in 2019, still looked recognisably like Madonna) and one about the scoring. I’ve included both in here because they seem to have some substance.

Posting 5000 word rants on Twitter is like buying 30 flannels, stitching them together and calling it a bath towel.24 April 2019

I’ve always been pissed off by people using microblogging services to post long-form content, and I always will be.

“Alexa, play…”
26 May 2019

Oooh, I’m on a plane! I see the Aer Lingus logo, that probably means Belfast.

Remember never insert anything that doesn’t have a flared base. The one in the middle is safe.
30 May 2019

One solitary like. Maybe I’ll be fully appreciated after my death.

@monzo A humble request for a new transaction category on the app: Gifts30 May 2019

They implemented this. I seem to have a very good knack of making feature requests over Twitter that then get put into production.

The cat is playing “the floor is made of lava” and it’s a delight to behold9 June 2019

So much ridiculous behaviour from that cat, she was a cutie.

Fun things to do for father’s Day number 87: go to a garden centre with a pink marker pen and colour in the nipples on the statues15 June 2019

This, unfortunately, is one of those ideas that I had that I didn’t end up actually trying myself. Though now I’ve been reminded of it, maybe I’ll give it a go some day.

I’ve recently introduced the boy to Red Dwarf. He loves it, which is great. He compares me to Rimmer, which is not so good.21 June 2019

To be honest, I wouldn’t want to be compared to any of the other characters either, so I’ll take it on the chin.

One of my more obscure delights is consolidating the contents of pump-top bottles which still contain product but not enough for the tube to pick any up.23 July 2019

You should try it, it’s great fun.

Boats normally have such sappy names. Crush Zone is a bit more like it. @CanalRiverTrust
4 August 2019

Half a dozen likes, but I was really fishing for a retweet for CRT, which sadly did not manifest.

I have shot
the hogs
that were in
the yard

and which
you were probably
for 3-5 minutes

Forgive me
they were numerous
so feral
and so quick6 August 2019

Combining the contemporary feral hogs meme with the previous year’s plums in the icebox, I netted a cool 5 retweets and 11 likes. This might be the highlight of my twitting career. We will never reach these dizzying heights again.

Bah. The first Sunday in weeks when I’ve been available to go to archery, and it rains.18 August 2019

Yeah, archery was a thing for a while in 2019. Karen thought me and Bernard should have a thing that we do together, so she applied a small amount of pressure for us to join a local group. Bernard lost interest very quickly. I kept going for a while, but it could only sustain me for so long.

On Monday I bought a new keyboard for my home computer, replacing the one I’ve had for about 15 years. Right now wish I could be at home, typing away merrily.30 August 2019

It’s a very nice keyboard, I am still using it now.

Welsh Abba tribute band called Ebbw31 August 2019

I thought this was pretty funny (and still do) but the rest of the world apparently disagrees.

We’re rewatching 90s sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart and I have to say that it’s aged very well indeed. Maybe you should give it a revisit too.5 September 2019

Now obviously it’s a story about a time-travelling adulterer, so in a moral sense it might not be your cup of tea, but I did find that it was funny and well-written. That being said, our rewatch did run out of steam before we got to the very end, so maybe not all of the seasons have kept as well as the first one or two.

The deal on offer today is exactly the same one that he resigned over in July 201818 October 2019

I actually wrote quite a few Brexit-related tweets this year. Look at me, getting all political.

I like when the clock says 8:01 because I feel like it’s calling me “boi”.21 November 2019

And then wait a bit if your name is Bob.

Okay so what fucker decided that mincemeat and mince should be two different things, and that one of them is a meat and the other isn’t, but THEY’RE NOT THE WAY ROUND THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT. It’s always bothered me.21 November 2019

Obviously I’m not some thicko who would get confused by it. I’m not confused. Just disappointed.

Woken up at 5:30 on Christmas Day by the boy. Not with an excited “Dad! Dad! Santa’s been!” but with a world-weary “Dad. Maisy’s been sick on my bedroom floor and I need help cleaning it up.”

She gives the worst presents, she really does.25 December 2019

She’s lovely, but a little bit barfy.

Here’s @erzsebel making the oven all festive
26 December 2019

Oh the cat is barfing and molting,
And the oven is quite revolting,
We’re going to clean it today,
Let us spray, let us spray, let us spray.

Bernard: “there’s only one olive left.”
Me: “and everyone is too polite to t…”
Bernard: “Yoink!”26 December 2019

You snooze, you lose.

Resolution for 2020 – more raisins. Specifically, chocolate covered raisins and yoghurt covered raisins.27 December 2019

You’ll be pleased to know that I totally fulfilled this one. Big time.

Let’s pretend that was the last tweet of the year. Technically there were a couple more after that, but ssssshhhhh.

Early 2020 is going to be a rollercoaster. I would say more but don’t want to risk spoilers.

  • Comments: 2
  • Pleeeeeease validate meeeeee - Pete
  • This craven yearning for likes and retweets, Pete. I do not think you are cut out for Mast... - Karen
November 29, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2018

Welcome back! We continue to make inexorable forward progress through the years until we catch up with the current day.

We’ve bought a new keyboard. Bernard is currently exploring the higher-numbered voices, and I can’t help but be reminded of Ross in Friends.6 January 2018

Ah, I see we’re past the “violin” phase and into the “piano” phase.

I’ve got some eyedrops called Brolene and I can’t look at the box without hearing Dolly Parton in my head.8 January 2018

Still can’t.

So looks like I’m going to be using Brolene for the rest of my life then.
10 January 2018

I stopped using Brolene. I know, I know, such a bad man.

I’m working on a joke about a Spanish barista and a vegan. It’s going to be brilliant when it’s done.29 January 2018

Not only did I never get round to finishing this joke, I’ve lost track of where I’d got to. Looks like I’m going to have to start all over again.

Roses are red
This is a tweet
I feel like being offensive for no reason
So fuck you in the feet.15 February 2018

Compared to some of my previous valentine’s day tweets, this one’s positively family-friendly. I like it, it has a lot of fine qualities.

Fantastic looking Bakewell tart
25 March 2018

I hope it tasted as good as it looked!

Hahaha just heard a couple of ticket inspectors on the platform complaining about passengers who make a scene. One had a theory that some passengers get some sort of power thrill from making a kerfuffle in front of a crowd. A startling lack of self awareness there.16 April 2018
He was also talking about how often he wants to punch them, but knows that he would instantly lose his job. That, apparently, is the sole thing preventing him.16 April 2018
In unrelated news, wonder why more people don’t use public transport.16 April 2018

I use public transport a lot less than I used to, but that’s for different reasons, which we will get to in a couple of years.

Ah hairball season. Is there any sound more pleasing to a cat owner than that familiar hroika-hroika-hroika.11 May 2018

Not a bad effort at capturing that recognisable sound. Maybe needs to be a bit more gutteral.

So it seems like the day we’ve chosen to walk the Thames Path through London is also the day that every teenager in London is doing a sponsored walk along the Thames. The experience is not a wholly tranquil one.22 June 2018

We’ve been gradually working our way along the Thames Path since we started in 2016, and I generally didn’t bother posting updates to Twitter (except on special occasions). We’re now reaching the final couple of stretches, and I was gave pretty thorough updates during the bit through London, including:

If anyone’s looking for a free inflatable sex doll, there’s one floating in the Thames at Greenwich.24 June 2018

A couple of weeks later, while at a festival:

I wonder if my phone is able to automatically detect when I’m wearing sunglasses, and increase the display brightness to compensate.2 July 2018

The tragic thing about this one is that I’d written basically this tweet a year earlier:

It would be cool if my phone could detect when I’m wearing sunglasses and increase brightness accordingly.7 May 2017
It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming
Bee swarm is coming home
You look disappointed
Stop screaming3 July 2018

I think that it might have been world cup season.

The local camping exhibition was very quiet today. It’s almost as if everyone is in the pub or watching telly or summat.7 July 2018

Yep, confirmed.

The ducks on this particular canal are provably psychopathic. Duck Attack (open on YouTube)24 July 2018

We went on our second narrowboat holiday (the first one was in 2015). This was the only tweet I posted during the holiday. During this holiday I started getting severe recurring acid reflux, which then led on to other health issues, and was basically the event that led to me giving up caffeine and alcohol (almost) entirely. Quite a big turning point in my life, and I think you’ll probably notice the change in me almost straight away.

Funny how we change as we get older, isn’t it? Once upon a time, I’m sure that giving my first ever stool sample would have been an event worthy of a long blog post. But I’ve softened with age, and let’s faece it, nowadays I find myself deturd.31 July 2018
I like my coffee like I like my other caffeinated beverages, alcohol, fizzy drinks, spicy food, and fat – embargoed for a few weeks owing to high stomach acid. Hmmm, this joke wasn’t very funny.3 August 2018

Yep, even by my usual standards.

The end result of the Uborka Family Irregular Garage Clear out and Tidy. A before photo would have helped you appreciate the scale of the task, but then I don’t want all your mental breakdowns on my conscience.
16 September 2018

Clearing out the garage is always such a satisfying and rewarding task.

Laundry Cat Boat
16 September 2018

Photos of Maisy sitting in weird places must always be posted.

I’m reading a biography of Robert Smith and I’ve reached that point where the word “goth” just looks like a weird jumble of letters. #SemanticSatiation28 September 2018

Karen’s dad has traditionally given me biographies of musicians and bands for birthdays and Christmas presents. Safe to say that often they are not books that I would have chosen for myself.

You know when people reveal that the first word of their last few hundred tweets have actually been constructing the lyrics to a famous song? Tempted to try that with “Baby Shark” but I reckon people would figure it out pretty quickly.23 October 2018

Do you think that they would? Do you?

Before you know it you’ll be on your knees
She’s an
10 November 2018

It feels like whenever other people post this sort of thing, they get tens of thousands of retweets. Why not meeeeeee?

My attempt to find a good alcohol free beer is not off to a good start. This milk stout tastes like stale cigarette smoke.7 December 2018
Investigations into alcohol free beers continue to be utterly fruitless.8 December 2018

My transformation into alcohol-free-beer-Pete has begun. Don’t worry, it gets better.

The cat has barely left this box for the last 24 hours.
8 December 2018

She really liked that box.

The thing noone tells you before you buy a Zafira is that if you pull up outside a pub at half past midnight then within twenty seconds you’ll have people approaching you asking if you’re their taxi.15 December 2018

This actually only happened once, but the event definitely stuck with me.

@jamiepaulcullen I found your cactus
28 December 2018

One thing I’m realising, while going through all these tweets, is how guarded I’ve generally been about my personal life. There was so much that I could have written about our trip to Lanzarote, about the food and the landscapes and the novelty of getting sunburned on Christmas day while sat around the pool. So many fantastic photos I could have posted. But no, all I post is one photo, and it’s a knob gag. I dunno, maybe one of the reasons why I tend to publish so few tweets when I’m on holiday is that I’m busy enjoying the moment. That would be okay.

Stay tuned for 2019, there will be more cat photos!

November 27, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2017

Welcome to 2017, and it’s clear that I’m in a retrospective mood.

I’ve been in one of those nostalgia mires all week. It’s starting to get a little wearing.5 January 2017
There’s a 90% chance of a cathartic nostalgia blog post tomorrow.5 January 2017

As promised, here it is.

He wants to pay prostitutes to piss on him? Good for him! That’s not the reason why he shouldn’t be President though.11 January 2017

As ever, my tweets stay fairly distant from current events, with the exception of the occasional oblique observation.

We’ve bought a new vacuum cleaner. We haven’t always had the best luck with vacuum cleaners. Maybe this one will be the awesome.17 January 2017

This one did not turn out to be the awesome. Vacuum cleaner nirvana will have to wait until November 2020.

My to-do list is full of things I’m probably never going to do. I should clear that out sometime (adds to to-do list).14 February 2017

No valentine’s day tweet this year, just this.

You know how the saying goes: When the cat’s away, the mouse will drink White Russians and watch The Expanse. I think that’s how it goes.3 March 2017

5 likes! Five! That’s amazing! Also, yet another reference to the alcoholic drinks I’m drinking. It’s weird how much I’m noticing that now.

I’ve been told that The Room (2003) might be the worst film ever. Let’s see how long I can last.13 April 2017

Right, buckle up, chums. There’s going to be a few of these, and I’m not leaving a single one out.

Fortunately I have whisky13 April 2017
The opening credits landscape shots are slightly off straight13 April 2017
The acting is like a soap opera13 April 2017
Oooh there’s undressing13 April 2017
Argh put it back on!13 April 2017
I think this might actually just be soft porn that I put on by accident13 April 2017
I love this old lady filling in the back story by telling Lisa all the things Lisa definitely already knows about herself.13 April 2017
Very smoothly done.13 April 2017
Okay it’s turning into a soft porn movie again.13 April 2017
Okay, this is the second sex scene already. How long have I been watching? Ten minutes?13 April 2017
Even actual porn has more plot than this.13 April 2017
At least this guy’s better looking than the last one.13 April 2017
I’m getting through the whisky quicker than predicted13 April 2017
The pizza order has more depth than the rest of the film put together so far13 April 2017
Is it my imagination or are all of this guy’s lines being dubbed?13 April 2017
Okay there’s no way he can get it up after half a bottle of vodka13 April 2017
Wow, guess I was wrong. Sex scene #313 April 2017
Lisa’s mum is basically the only person here pushing the plot forwards at all.13 April 2017
Apparently chocolate is the symbol of love. I like this guy’s moves.13 April 2017
Also, that now makes 4 love scenes in 30 minutes, for those of you playing along at home.13 April 2017
I’m assuming that the guy playing Johnny is smashed off his tits for the entirety of this film. There’s no other explanation.13 April 2017
Oh, hi Mark.13 April 2017
And suddenly every scene is set on the rooftop. I guess they got kicked out of the apartment owing to the non-stop coitus.13 April 2017
There’s something weird going on with Lisa’s neck. Like there’s something in there trying to get out.13 April 2017
You know what would make for an interesting project – a reshoot of this film with a tightened up script. Maybe it is salvageable.13 April 2017
These guys are throwing a ball around while standing 80cm from each other. That’s weird.13 April 2017
I feel like Lisa’s mum has forgotten that she has cancer.13 April 2017
Yes, watching Johnny set up a tape recorder on the phone is a thrilling thing to see, I’m glad none of it was cut out.13 April 2017
I love how the camera angle on the front door is always perfectly set up so you can never quite see the outside.13 April 2017
This guy’s tie is a bold one. Wonder where I can get one like that.13 April 2017
Charity shop, perhaps.13 April 2017
I wouldn’t be that forgiving if someone tried to throw me off of a rooftop.13 April 2017
Oh hi Danny13 April 2017
You know what I was saying earlier? Wondering if a reshoot with a tightened up script could save this film? Nope. Nope nope nope.13 April 2017
Oh hi Susan13 April 2017
Been a long time since the last sex scene13 April 2017
The overdubbed groans and sighs are wondrous13 April 2017
This is uncomfortably long. Please, climax already.13 April 2017
She’s undressing again! I am really struggling to keep count of how many times she’s taken her top off.13 April 2017
Seriously, this is a sub-soap-opera level storyline, with sub-soap-opera level acting. The only thing it has that soaps don’t is bewbs.13 April 2017
Ooooh, Lisa and Michelle having a pillow fight. I like where this is going.13 April 2017
Only 23 minutes of this left. I’m finding myself wondering what sort of payoff to expect before it’s through.13 April 2017
The awkwardness of this plot continues to plunge deeper and deeper depths.13 April 2017
The cat has slept through the majority of the film so far. Any minute now she’s going to be asking what she missed. And I’ll say “not much”.13 April 2017
Here we go, it’s kicking off.13 April 2017
Eurgh! (throws tape player)13 April 2017
That television looked very light13 April 2017
Well. Things haven’t worked out well for Lisa, have they.13 April 2017
I think that’s it.13 April 2017
I am definitely never watching that film again. What on earth even possessed me to even watch it once. Ah, yes, of course. The whisky.13 April 2017

Despite saying I’d definitely never watch it again, I sometimes find myself strangely tempted.

My livetweeting of Eurovision this year was also very thorough. I think that this might be because I had a laptop for the first time in my life (albeit my dad’s old one). If I’d been on my phone I would have lost interest far sooner, and probably the same is true for the tweets while watching The Room. As always, the Eurovision tweets don’t really make much sense out of context, but this one stands up by itself fairly nicely:

If the cat falls off the back of the sofa again, she’ll land on @erzsebel and it’ll be well funny.13 May 2017
There’s a tramp
In his pants
On the edge of the Thames
Washing himself
With Fairy liquid
While the swans watch
Can’t unsee.25 June 2017

Yep, I remember this from our Thames Path walk. The image is seared into my brain.

RT this if you’ve ever kissed a badger on the mouth.7 July 2017

Another one of my desperate attempts for attention. Absolutely nothing.

Halloumi, Halloumi
The squeaky cheese
From its little square packet
You can slide it with ease7 July 2017

Hang on, what’s this? Two retweets and four likes? Have I finally hit upon The Formula For Popularity?

Feta, Feta
Not to sound gloomy
But you know what’s better?
A tasty halloumi.7 July 2017

One retweet and three likes. That’s still pretty good. I should do more of this cheese-themed poetry.

Your own (dum da dum)
Personal (da dum)
Gravy (dum da dum)
Something to pour on your meat
But not on your feet (dum da dum)30 July 2017

Yeah, they love the silly rhymes.

Software development tip: when you find yourself spending hours trying to track down an elusive bug, stop and eat a flapjack. They’re magic.1 August 2017

I don’t think there are any problems that can’t be solved with a flapjack actually.

The phrase “the big light” to refer to an overhead light is one of those sayings that I only recently appreciated the weird regionality of.26 August 2017

And it’s not just the regionality of it that’s weird, but also the more you dissect the phrase, the more wrong it feels from a purely semantic viewpoint.

My latest quest is for the perfect alarm clock. It’s getting unhealthy.8 September 2017

For more details on this quest:

You’ll be pleased to know that it has a very satisfactory outcome.

I also tried to start a trending hashtag:

Volkswagen Passata #FoodCar8 September 2017
Ford Granola #FoodCar8 September 2017
Citron 2CV #MangeVoiture8 September 2017
Lincoln Continental Breakfast #FoodCar8 September 2017
Lada Samosa #FoodCar8 September 2017
Jaguar E-Number #FoodCar8 September 2017
Spaghetti Veyron #FoodCar8 September 2017

As you can probably imagine, it didn’t take off. But at least I tried.

Toyota Yaris Piper #FoodCar8 September 2017

Oh apparently I’m still going

VW Polo Mint #FoodCar9 September 2017
Ford Capri-Sun #FoodCar10 September 2017

Just give it up already!

I’ve got this new pet millipede
I keep it in a vase
I’d tell you more about it
But I don’t have enough chars.27 September 2017

Returning to the funny poetry to try and get some attention, but this one apparently just didn’t cut the mustard.

Seat Ipizza #FoodCar28 September 2017

Still trying to make that one work, huh?

Me: That’s a nice post
Maisy: It’s MY post.
7 October 2017

Ah, going back to cat photos. Probably not a bad idea.

The boy seems to mix up Hugh Bonneville and Bill Murray, with hilarious consequences.16 November 2017

When I say “hilarious”, of course, you know what I mean.

A nice plan to do some low-stress, relaxed car shopping is somewhat undermined by my existing car deciding to adopt a throaty exhaust sound this morning. Stoopid car.25 November 2017

Our old Vauxhall Astra, which we bought with 50k miles on it and which had served us so well for 13 years, was starting to show its age. It was a good car.

I have used
The last of the toilet paper
That was sitting
In the bathroomThat you were
Probably saving
For a colossal
Shit later on.

Forgive me
It was 3-ply
And so
Quilty1 December 2017

This is my sort of bandwagon. And I get to use the word “quilty” which is never a bad day.

This dog has started following us and we don’t know what to do.
1 December 2017

This was while we were walking the Thames Path. A dog started walking along with us. Which sounds adorable, right? The problem is that after a little while you encounter some people coming the other way, and the dog starts to give them attention, and they give you a look that says “you are irresponsible dog owners, that mutt should be on a leash” and you’re yelling “THAT’S NOT MY DOG IT IS JUST FOLLOWING ME”. Awkward. After a few miles, the dog attached itself to some other people and started following them back towards the west.

If you want to piss yourself laughing, search for ASMR on YouTube.2 December 2017
Someone should make a website which redirects you to either a ASMR video or a shrieking gamer at random.2 December 2017

Sometimes I get comments on my videos on YouTube in which people suggest that I should be doing ASMR. I think that it’s a combination of having an English accent, and not being an insufferable whooping arsehole. That seems to be all it takes.

There’s a drunk guy here setting the world to rights. I don’t want to excite everyone unnecessarily, but I think he might have all the answers.16 December 2017

No, it wasn’t me. Though I think I probably wasn’t completely sober, as the ensuing tweets will indicate:

I find myself sometimes wondering if bus drivers maybe aren’t 100% infallible.16 December 2017
Hey I think I might be the only person on this bus! It’s just like a really really big taxi!16 December 2017
Seriously though no shit they should pay me to do the recorded platform announcements. I could blow that shit outta the fuckin water.16 December 2017
By which I mean I’d be very very good at it, for those of you unfamiliar with my young peoples’ vernacular.16 December 2017

Go home Pete, you’re drunk.

Find your plumber name by taking your full name and adding “Plumbing Services” to the end.16 December 2017

Two people liked this. They have taste.

Maisy, I hope you’re not getting any ideas.
21 December 2017

Of course she’s thinking about it.

I wish I was clever enough to come up with my own clock jokes, but all the ones I know I heard second hand.16 December 2017

I hope this was an original joke, but even if it wasn’t, that’s kinda funnier still. Check out those 5 likes and 1 retweet though!

Moist towelette
Je te plumerai23 December 2017

Tumbleweeds. And now for the final tweet of the year…

Hot strudel custard #HotStrudelCustard29 December 2017

Two likes. I guess you had to be there.

  • Comments: 1
  • These are getting quite long, aren't they. - Karen