December 1, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2019

Welcome back! The years are disappearing under our wheels like an ice lolly in the sun.

I have a problem. A fresh cup of tea and a cat on my lap, when I need to leave the house in ten minutes.20 January 2019

So I guess that at this stage in my life, I’ve long since stopped drinking alcohol, but am still on the caffeine, occasionally.

Today’s happy cat photo
21 January 2019

That is an ecstatic cat, and so I’m glad to see that this tweet picked up 5 likes and a retweet.

All parents, at some point, ask themselves “am I a bad parent?” It can be a complex question to address. Unless you’re teaching your children that “green man = go, red man = RUN before the cars start to move.” In that case, it becomes much simpler.23 January 2019

Such a grumpy curmudgeon that day.

Don’t disturb the cat – she’s on the phone.
27 January 2019

ON the phone! “ON” the phone! Get it? Get it? Ahahahahahahah!

Look at the state of my cat
9 February 2019

Having figured out, about ten years after the rest of the internet, that adorable cat photos are the key to getting lots of likes, I’m really going for it now.

Remember back when you’d sit at your computer and just chat to whichever of your friends happened to be online? I kinda miss that.15 February 2019

Of course, nowadays everyone is online all the time, so how do you know who to talk to? Back then, you’d sign in to IM, and if someone’s name was on the list, then that was an invitation to talk. There’s no invitation element nowadays, and I’m like a vampire – I need to be invited.

Parking in Bristol is, and I say this without any fear of hyperbole, utter bullshit. It seems like every single street has its own charging structure and time limits. “Oh, you want to park on King Paul’s Street? That’ll be 12p per 18 minutes. Max stay 5.3 hours.”24 February 2019

Somebody out there liked this.

I’m preparing for Brexit. I’ve stocked up on weapons and am going to kill you all and eat your corpses. In fact, might just get a head start on that this weekend. Look out!27 February 2019
Of course, if it now turns out that there’s an actual cannibal killing spree this weekend then I might regret that last tweet.27 February 2019

I think that this might be my first use of the “B” word on Twitter.

Surprise your mum by sending her a Mother’s Day card this weekend.1 March 2019
I certainly did.1 March 2019

I’m not sure what happened here – I think I saw one of those “don’t forget Mother’s Day this year!” posters and panicked, and forgot to check the date. Thankfully I recovered from this faux pas with impeccable grace, by purchasing an identical card and sending it to her again for the actual Mother’s Day. And then the same card again for her birthday, later in the year. I was pretty pleased with that.

In my meeting today I kept a surreptitious tally of how many times the word “guys” was used. I clocked 26 and I’m pretty sure I didn’t even catch all of them.13 March 2019

Ah, I guess 2019 was the year when I started being annoyed by the word “guys” then.

The boy’s Spanish homework looks like a bunch of Pulp lyrics.
13 March 2019

You’re reading this in Jarvis’ voice now, aren’t you? Alright. 8 likes, but zero retweets, which seems unforgiveable.

I never tire of the price of beer in Budapest20 April 2019
I feel like I’m a student around the turn of the millennium again.20 April 2019

So by this time I’m already very deep into my alcohol-free beer explorations, yet tweets like this make me think that I must have been still drinking alcoholic beer occasionally.

We’re catching up on Line of Duty and we’ve decided to make a drinking game of it. Every time someone says “bent coppers”, take a sip. This might be a terrible idea.24 April 2019
Maybe using “OCG” as the key phrase for our drinking game was a bad idea. #LineofDuty24 April 2019

Yeah, I’m clearly not teetotal.

Never thought I’d be so happy to hear a bit of autotune. #Eurovision #Madonna18 May 2019
I love when the country representatives decide to sing their 12 point announcements. Reminds me of Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec. #Eurovision18 May 2019

I normally post quite a lot of tweets on Eurovision night, lots of throwaway remarks about the various acts. This year, I only posted two – one about the intermission act (Madonna, who, back in 2019, still looked recognisably like Madonna) and one about the scoring. I’ve included both in here because they seem to have some substance.

Posting 5000 word rants on Twitter is like buying 30 flannels, stitching them together and calling it a bath towel.24 April 2019

I’ve always been pissed off by people using microblogging services to post long-form content, and I always will be.

“Alexa, play…”
26 May 2019

Oooh, I’m on a plane! I see the Aer Lingus logo, that probably means Belfast.

Remember never insert anything that doesn’t have a flared base. The one in the middle is safe.
30 May 2019

One solitary like. Maybe I’ll be fully appreciated after my death.

@monzo A humble request for a new transaction category on the app: Gifts30 May 2019

They implemented this. I seem to have a very good knack of making feature requests over Twitter that then get put into production.

The cat is playing “the floor is made of lava” and it’s a delight to behold9 June 2019

So much ridiculous behaviour from that cat, she was a cutie.

Fun things to do for father’s Day number 87: go to a garden centre with a pink marker pen and colour in the nipples on the statues15 June 2019

This, unfortunately, is one of those ideas that I had that I didn’t end up actually trying myself. Though now I’ve been reminded of it, maybe I’ll give it a go some day.

I’ve recently introduced the boy to Red Dwarf. He loves it, which is great. He compares me to Rimmer, which is not so good.21 June 2019

To be honest, I wouldn’t want to be compared to any of the other characters either, so I’ll take it on the chin.

One of my more obscure delights is consolidating the contents of pump-top bottles which still contain product but not enough for the tube to pick any up.23 July 2019

You should try it, it’s great fun.

Boats normally have such sappy names. Crush Zone is a bit more like it. @CanalRiverTrust
4 August 2019

Half a dozen likes, but I was really fishing for a retweet for CRT, which sadly did not manifest.

I have shot
the hogs
that were in
the yard

and which
you were probably
for 3-5 minutes

Forgive me
they were numerous
so feral
and so quick6 August 2019

Combining the contemporary feral hogs meme with the previous year’s plums in the icebox, I netted a cool 5 retweets and 11 likes. This might be the highlight of my twitting career. We will never reach these dizzying heights again.

Bah. The first Sunday in weeks when I’ve been available to go to archery, and it rains.18 August 2019

Yeah, archery was a thing for a while in 2019. Karen thought me and Bernard should have a thing that we do together, so she applied a small amount of pressure for us to join a local group. Bernard lost interest very quickly. I kept going for a while, but it could only sustain me for so long.

On Monday I bought a new keyboard for my home computer, replacing the one I’ve had for about 15 years. Right now wish I could be at home, typing away merrily.30 August 2019

It’s a very nice keyboard, I am still using it now.

Welsh Abba tribute band called Ebbw31 August 2019

I thought this was pretty funny (and still do) but the rest of the world apparently disagrees.

We’re rewatching 90s sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart and I have to say that it’s aged very well indeed. Maybe you should give it a revisit too.5 September 2019

Now obviously it’s a story about a time-travelling adulterer, so in a moral sense it might not be your cup of tea, but I did find that it was funny and well-written. That being said, our rewatch did run out of steam before we got to the very end, so maybe not all of the seasons have kept as well as the first one or two.

The deal on offer today is exactly the same one that he resigned over in July 201818 October 2019

I actually wrote quite a few Brexit-related tweets this year. Look at me, getting all political.

I like when the clock says 8:01 because I feel like it’s calling me “boi”.21 November 2019

And then wait a bit if your name is Bob.

Okay so what fucker decided that mincemeat and mince should be two different things, and that one of them is a meat and the other isn’t, but THEY’RE NOT THE WAY ROUND THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT. It’s always bothered me.21 November 2019

Obviously I’m not some thicko who would get confused by it. I’m not confused. Just disappointed.

Woken up at 5:30 on Christmas Day by the boy. Not with an excited “Dad! Dad! Santa’s been!” but with a world-weary “Dad. Maisy’s been sick on my bedroom floor and I need help cleaning it up.”

She gives the worst presents, she really does.25 December 2019

She’s lovely, but a little bit barfy.

Here’s @erzsebel making the oven all festive
26 December 2019

Oh the cat is barfing and molting,
And the oven is quite revolting,
We’re going to clean it today,
Let us spray, let us spray, let us spray.

Bernard: “there’s only one olive left.”
Me: “and everyone is too polite to t…”
Bernard: “Yoink!”26 December 2019

You snooze, you lose.

Resolution for 2020 – more raisins. Specifically, chocolate covered raisins and yoghurt covered raisins.27 December 2019

You’ll be pleased to know that I totally fulfilled this one. Big time.

Let’s pretend that was the last tweet of the year. Technically there were a couple more after that, but ssssshhhhh.

Early 2020 is going to be a rollercoaster. I would say more but don’t want to risk spoilers.


2 thoughts on “Twitter Highlights from 2019

  1. This craven yearning for likes and retweets, Pete. I do not think you are cut out for Mastodon.

    Karen on December 1, 2022

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