August 2, 2004

Night bus

This is the Night Bus crossing the boroughs,
Carrying the drunken office worker,
Leaving Notting Hill, passing Marble Arch,
Selfridges corner, Bond Street and more.
Pulling up sharply, bell not rung in time:
The driver’s uncaring, he’s running to time.
Past sale display and gaudy hoarding
Trundling onward over the litter,
Rumbling noisily as she passes
Silent scores of homeless persons.
They turn their heads as she approaches,
Stare from the bus stops at her yellow signage.
Waved hands cannot turn her course;
She lumbers on, not opening doors.
In the flats she passes no one wakes,
But a drunk on the corner gently shakes.
Dawn freshens, the night almost gone.
Down towards Kings Cross she descends
Towards the Thameslink, turning to head up York Way,
Towards the fields of apparatus, the gas holders
Lit against the dark sky like gigantic chessmen.
A garage waits for her:
In the back seat, beside the greasy window
I long for sleep.
Yawning I stare at Tufnell Park
Tiredness too much to respond and be coy,
Receiving mumbled invitations
To inspect his cock or indulge in relations,
and myriad other supplications
Audacious lover’s declarations
And yes, he nearly wears through my patience,
Babbling inanity, nothing substantial
Losing his interest when he can’t engage me.
Back to my book, I stare at the margin,
Letters dance on the pages like ants,
Leaving their comprehension to chance,
Irritated, I place the book back in my bag
Rubbing my eyes to more clearly see
Rushing past lights of every hue,
The pink, the violet, the white and the blue,
The cheesy, the classy, the boring, the broken,
The cold and official and the warm welcoming,
Flickering on then flickering off,
The driver is restless; our journey is done.
Thousands are still asleep
Dreaming of terrifying monsters,
Or of friendly drinks inside a bar in Angel or Soho:
Asleep in rugged Camden, asleep in well-set Finsbury Park,
Asleep in gloomy Holloway,
They continue their dreams,
And shall wake soon and long for weekends,
And none did hear my key in the lock
With a quickening of the heart,
For who can bear to wake me next morning?
(with profuse apologies to WH Auden, and any of the uborkites who’ve read this already, cos it’s a repost from here, but although it’s a shocking rip-off of WH Auden, I’m actually quite pleased with it, and will stop talking in parenthesis any time now. Honest.)

Pix
  • Comments: 19
  • Dan. Dear Dan. Post the flippin' poems as posts, not in comments. That way those of us who... - pixeldiva
  • Speaking of favourite poems: When tweetle beetles fight, its called a tweetle beetle battl... - Destructor
  • Oh all right then. Have at you, bitterness! d - Destructor
  • Oh all right then. Have at you, bitterness! d - Destructor
  • Please, I get mocked all the time. I mock myself. You mock me. Get over it and post it or ... - Adrian
July 31, 2004

Wordsmith

I wandered lonely,
As a whelk that swims in deep
Blue ocean* waters.
*pron. o-shun, not oh-shee-un. It matters.

Pete
  • Comments: 6
  • Thanks. I love you all, my adoring fans. - Pete
  • 6 - Doctor Pockless
  • sicko. - Pete
  • I like the idea that the whelk is not waving but drowning. - Karen
  • Whelks can't swim, but that's what gives this poem its appeal -- the fact that it is compl... - Pete
July 30, 2004

Come one, come all. Hell, just come.

Welcome one and all to the cocktail enjoyment process.
First, may I begin by saying that I’ve been on holiday to Brighton today, and none of you have. Hah.
I shall now dispense the beveragatude as rapidly as possible, before my computer performs its special move again – the “stop working when the weather is hot” manoeuvre.
In order of requestification, here are your drinks.
Karen has been waiting all day for a bucks fizz in a plastic glass, and has had to make do with the house white from one of the beach bars.
BrightonMark… I mean, LondonMark, wants a prosecco. I’ve never tried drinking ham myself, but Mark’s a man of taste, so it must be nice.
Adrian’s request confused me, so I didn’t read too hard, but I did pick up on the word lemon. So here’s how to make a battery from a lemon. D requested what Adrian’s having, which I’m sure he regrets now.
Porkless asked for a pint, so here’s a photo of a kitten called Guinness.
Lyle wanted a screwdriver, so he gets MC Hammer. You can’t drink this.
For Nicholas, also a pint. My warped imagination led me to a page about Captain John Smith.
What’s that you say about search engines. No, not me. Never.
Dan made a mention of a pan-galactic gargle blaster. Unfortunately, the recipe that I found on the web looked a little disappointing, so I’m giving you a Babycham instead. And your request for “every beer in the house” is not acceptable – what do you expect me to have for myself? Silly mortal.
Gordon M Clean requested a margarita, which just so happens to be exactly what I had with my lunch today. By which I mean, I’ve already had your drink, Gordon. Sorry. Have a kitten instead. These clearly belong to a beer fanatic.
Dave requested some complex drink. Had he known that I would be serving, he probably wouldn’t have done so. The quickest way to get a glass of water from me is to request something complex. I’ve got lots of customers to serve here.
Krissa would like ten cosmos. Ten seconds on Google later… that’s cool – she’s getting that. Sorry, no refunds.
For Graybo, a “Witty Caption”, which is 250 ml of each of gin, meths, vermouth and creme de menthe. Surely something that didn’t leave you without the ability to read would be more appropriate? Ah well… it’s your eyetest.
Mr. D requested a Smirnoff Blue. Y’see, that’s the kind of customer I like. Up front, nothing too flash, buys the barman “one for himself”… what a guy.
Today’s guest of honour is Kate. Not only has she sent me a parcel full of CDs all the way from America, but she’s also about to move from some retarded backwater of America to le Yorque Nouveau, and she drinks beer! Hurrah!
(As an aside, if anyone from Shepherd Neame picks up on that last link and would be interested in exchanging bottles of your tastiest consumables for further coverage, please drop me an email by clicking on the “contact” link at the top of the page. Thanks.)
Right, you’ve got ten minutes to drink up. It’s taken me so fucking long to serve you rapscallions, we’ve passed last orders. When you’re done, hop into my minibus and I’ll take you back to my place for the orgy. I mean, the after party.

Pete
  • Comments: 6
  • What kind of barman drinks the customers drink! Honestly, you just CAN'T get the staff the... - Gordon
  • Wooha thats got a bit of a kick. - Adrian
  • Yes, Lyle. Thank you. - Pete
  • Ta. - Doctor Pockless
  • Cheersh. Hic! You're my beshtest mate ever, joo know dat? And oi, I asked for a screwdrive... - Lyle
  • Comments: 6
  • Ssssh. I've never seen that rather drunk looking gentleman before in my life. Under my poc... - Doctor Pockless
  • Note the sartorial elegance of Doctor Pockless, centre-right. - Karen
  • No, no ,no. Not here. The bar's closed. Go and speak to Ade - he's taking today's orders. - Doctor Pockless
  • I'll have every beer you've got in rapid succession, please. And then the rest of the alco... - Destructor
  • No, that's below... I didn't mean to hijack Ade's invitation... it just seemed topical. - Doctor Pockless

Are You Lost?

I won’t be able to make it to cocktails today (I’ll be partaking of the bucks fizz at a friend’s wedding), but for anyone who’s accidentally scrolled down too far…

Ade-ThisWayToBeer.jpg
Ade
  • Comments: 16
  • Don't s'pose I'm allowed a humble little Smirnoff Blue, eh? Very pretty, please... - Mr.D.
  • That was supposed to feature the word "please" somewhere. Tsk! No manners! - Graybo
  • I'd like a Witty Caption, which is a pint glass filled with gin, meths, vermouth and creme... - Graybo
  • i'd like a photograph of me with ten cosmos, with the caption "Vodka Meets its Match", ple... - krissa
  • Well that about wraps it up for Adrian. I'll have what he's having. - D
  • Comments: 4
  • As Reuben's projectile vomiting continued, he began to regret that third portion of steel ... - Pete
  • The gay android was continually in search of new contraptions on which to perform fellatio... - Dan the Goose
  • Class 3B always hated it when physics teacher Mr Perkins was teaching their sex education ... - Mark
  • This one's easy - it's an illustration lifted straight from the Book of Judges: 28:21 The ... - Doctor Pockless
  • Comments: 7
  • Shark-driven water-surfing on the crimson sea. - Destructor
  • Little Ted prepares to jump the shark. - Stuart
  • Little Ted mishears the shark say 'I like Bondai the best'. - Dave
  • Case Study: A list of lawless resolutes for food and diet, to some enterprise that has a s... - Doctor Pockless
  • Further proof that bears lack understanding of the term "shark cage." - Dan the Goose