M is for Mother
Yes, dear boys. That’s right.
Mother.
Specifically, hers.
Your potential Mother-in-Law.
Also, a fair indication (give or take the odd exception that proves the rule) of what she will become, given 20-30 years.
The Mother is also one of the most important people you will encounter in your “relationship” with the object of your desires, and should be treated accordingly.
One wrong move and you might find your fledgling relationship going downhill faster than an elephant on a tea-tray.
Even if the Dad hates you, the Mother is the one to impress.
No matter how scruffy you look, so long as you’re clean (as in, not ponging badly enough to kill off the plants as you walk up the path) and unfailingly polite, you’re probably in there.
Taking flowers along also works, but it’s probably not wise to try and pull off this move if you’ve never bought your girlfriend flowers.
One final thing – remember, that saucy little minx you’ve been screwing every which way since three weeks last Sunday is her daughter, and as such is pure and unsullied in her mother’s eyes. Rose-tinted spectacles yes – but dislodge them at your peril.
A translation (and handy guide to avoid spec dislodgement):
– don’t grope the girlfriend in sight of her mother
– don’t allude to any of the incredible sexual exploits you’ve had
– while we know that Mothers like to be proud of their daughters, she doesn’t need to know that her darling daughter could suck a golf ball through a mile of hosepipe.
– do not, at any point, give the impression that you’re only in it for the sex
– think flowers, long walks in the parks and poetry. *That* is what the Mother wants to hear you wish to do with her daughter.
Any questions?

After an almost two month break, the (in)famous “Girls, a User Guide” is back on your screens.

Previous instalments of the guide can be found here, here and here.

Go ahead and catch up. I can wait.

*taps toe delicately on the ground*

Ok. Are we all sitting comfortably?

Than we’ll begin.

Again.

But not at the beginning, oh no.

Somewhere in the middle, near where we left off.

And so… (without much further ado)

L is for Legs

These are the things that, as one of my more waggish chums put it, “saves women from leaving an awful mess behind them, like wot slugs and snails do”.

A note for those who haven’t already figured it out:- proffering that particular opinion will probably not go down well with any member of the fairer sex (also known as girls).

Legs are also what look much better when wearing fishnets (or any kind of stockings, for that matter) and magnificently impractical high heels.

L is also for Lips

A pair of these is essential if you wish to indulge in kissing.

Don’t be afraid if the lips you wish to kiss are covered in lipstick, this will come off fairly easily (don’t be fooled by all these adverts for lipstick which doesn’t come off – they lie!).

Yes, that means the lipstick will come off, probably all over your face, but let’s face it guys, at least it shows you’ve actually been kissed. Also, it washes off. Don’t be a big sissy about it. There are worse things to have smeared all over your face.

(lesson continues inside)

L is also for Lust

Although you’ve probably been brought up to believe that girls are fabulously delicate creatures who have to be coaxed and cajoled into performing their marital duties, quite simply, this is not the case.

Newsflash: we get lusty too. We just don’t walk around doing a passable imitation of a tent to let you know about it.

Trust me though, there are ways you can tell if the girl of your intentions is feeling a bit lusty.

1. She has grabbed you, shoved you up against something and is trying to remove your tonsils (whether you have them or not).

Okay, so not everyone is that obvious.

Other, more subtle hints include:

2. Playing with her hair (to make you notice it and want to touch it)

3. Licking her lips (to make them look redder, more noticeable and moist, to make you want to kiss them)

4. Dilated pupils (not sure why being lusty makes your eyes want to let in more light, especially since if the plan works they’ll be closed anyway, but still, this is a pretty sure sign)

5. Her cheeks, neck, chest (if you can see it) may be flushed (indicative of increased bloodflow around the body, caused by increased heart-rate)

6. Trembling (if she’s trembling, she wants you real bad)

All of which bring me on to my final point.

L is for Lube (aka Lubrication or the slidy stuff that makes it more mmm than ouch)

If you’ve done everything right, this will come (ahem) naturally.

If not, there’s always astroglide.

… and remember kids, if you’re going to go the low road, additional lubrication is an absolute essential.

*insert public health warning*

If you wish to use a non-natural lubricant in conjunction with a latex-based prophylactic (aka a condom), always make sure it’s water-based. Vaseline or any kind of oil (either baby, cooking or olive) will rot the latex, causing it to split, and increasing the risk of having babies or getting a nasty infection.

So remember kids, take care of yourselves… and each other.

Ah, the bullfruit of relationships! It’s amazing how many of you sidled up to the bar when it came to finding alcoholic ways to slam your mates, future mates, and ex mates. martian-venusian harmony relations be damned, eh?
We’ve only just started and there’s Lyle, dribbling in the corner over a Southern Internet Bride. Luckily he’s not alone, in his moment of dribbling darkness, because D can’t seem to even say the word “commitment”. I’m not letting him have that mojito, since some of us can serve up a Committo-Politan just fine. Right, Stuart?
Oh, Stuart’s off on a long unintellible tangent with Adrian. Something about balls, chains and mind games. Looks like someone’s been paying attention, unlike our non-conforming Ade, who defies our obsessive couple-talk and shows his independence with a single malt whiskey. Sure you don’t want one of these to take the edge off that Singleness?
Ah, a little bit of the greek revolution for, who else, Nick the Greek. Does this imply any Mars-on-Mars Action?
Poor Mister D. Have women so stunned you into complacency that you’re terrified to branch out of your comfortable True Blue? Can I suggest a color change, perhaps?
And look! Opposite ends of the love spectrum! There’s our man Mike who’s on his second honeymoon and then Dave, who’s having himself a bit on the side. What could they possibly talk about? Oh, football. Right.
And look! Just like Middle School – all the girls having tons more fun on the other side of the room, complimenting each other’s hair/makeup/shoes and making fun of men. Here’s pix, bemoaning the lessenings of Wallbangings in complacent monogamy, standing with Steph, whose keen solution is an entire case of this. Well put, Steph.
Meanwhile, Shiv and Annie are sucking down the flirtinis and discussing war love tactics. Sneaky Women.
And well, I suppose at the end of the day, I can be a little martian and Stuart can be a little Venusian so he can have my drink and me? Well, I’ll have a go at HIS.
Wait! We left Graybo in the SHED! Someone take him one of one of these. Her name is Tyffani.
Tops up, Bottoms down, everyone enjoy!