Nudity is a powerful tool in the world of luuuurrvve. However, it should be used sparingly and with caution, as an excess of nudity can, at best, lead to a reduction in its special nature and, at worst, result in revulsion.
It is also important to understand your loved one’s tastes. If he or she likes seeing lots of wobbly bits first thing in the morning, then it is permissable to wander around the house (assuming they are present) whilst wearing only your birthday suit. If they are averse to such sights, then be sure to wear full battle dress at all times.
It is rarely advisable to use nudity in long-distance and e-romances. There are too many opportunities for images of yourself in a naked state to fall into the wrong hands, particularly if your relationship should subsequently meet an untimely demise. So take care of those webcams – it might be tempting to send your paramour images of your dangly bits, but imagine who else might see them. This is especially important if you are a celebrity.
Finally, nudity is very species oriented. If you are having an inter-species relationship, we at the Graybo Institute advise against nudity under nearly all circumstances.

Let’s face it – it’s neither pretty nor clever. Now, go on, Felix, put your fur back on!

Comments are the most obvious way in which a blogger can gauge whether his or her profound words are being read and appreciated. Although many of us will – like every second-rate indie band of the 1990s – claim that we’re “doing this for ourselves, and if anyone else likes it then that’s a bonus”, there’s nothing more dispiriting than scrolling through your blog and being greeted with zero after pitiful zero, indicating that nobody thought your posts worth even the briefest remark. Oh, the agony.
So comments are important, most definitely, if only to preserve the self-esteem of the site’s author. But what kind of commenters can most often be found lurking behind that clickable link?

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Speaking of blogmeets, as we were, the most eagerly debated subject at such gatherings is usually “What’s your favourite type of cheese?” But close behind is a topic that has everybody teetering on the edge of their seats and drooling into their beer. Yes, it’s the heated debate of “Which is the best CMS?”
Oi, you. Stay awake at the back there, please.

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Not to be confused with blogmeat. We don’t talk about the cannibalistic branch of the family. It’s a filthy habit.
I love blogmeets. That’s a strange thing for me to admit, considering that I’m known for my social-phobic tendencies, and therefore the idea of thirty or more people – many of whom are often complete strangers – being brought together in the same claustrophobic surroundings is usually enough to bring me out in a cold sweat and a nervous rash.

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Hmm. I know that this is a pretty old and tatty copy of the Lexicon that I’m working from here (well thumbed, you might say) and that the binding is wrecked, but who pulled out the F pages and stuffed them in after the Ps?
Well, never mind, on with today’s entry: F is for Flowers.
"But Graybo!", I can hear you all saying, "we know what flowers are and don’t need the Lexicon to tell us!" Well, speaking as an expert in my field (I’ve got my laptop on a very long extension cable), I can say that a lot of people are confused in this matter, so I’ll do my best to make things clearer.
When it comes to gift-giving to your amour, it is important to remember that flowers are not merely limited to blooms. In some circumstances we can include cut foliage, potted plants, cacti and bonsai specimens.
It is also important to remember that, as with so many other things in the field of luuuurrvve, size matters. Since the charity annoyances got in on the act, to give your loved-one a single red rose is most definitely passé.
You can also go to the opposite extreme:

This chap is clearly just showing off. And with a ‘tache and dress sense like that, he really isn’t going to get far. Any lady who was to receive this plant as a gift would soon find her friends telling her that she needed to trim her bush, something which one would never want to be told in polite company.
One should also be careful of coded meanings in the choice of flowers in a bouquet. To receive a bunch of white calla lilies would be a clear sign that the relationship was dead. However, if you were to receive a bunch of jolly yellow chrysanthemums from a French paramour, you might not realise that they are trying to give you the same message – to the south of the English Channel, yellow chrysants are the bloom of death. But then we have already established that the French are confused.
Of course, the best sort of bouquet is expensive, contains exotic flowers and has been carefully crafted by a top florist. Learn your paramour’s favourite colours, or select flowers that match his or her eyes. Do not, under any circumstances, nick flowers from graves or, worse still, buy them in a service station – by this means have many relationships failed.
And, if you really want to impress, you can always go phallic:

I’m sure you’re all aware of the conventional definition of blog-rings. They’re either huge and unwieldy, with a list of members as long as your arm that you would never consider browsing (e.g. ‘The People With Ears Blog-Ring’), or they’re so small and exclusive that they never muster more than three members and end up looking rather pitiful and pathetic (e.g. ‘Merthyr Tydfil Youth Club Table Tennis Team of Summer 1986 Blog-Ring’).

However, in honour of Stuart and Krissa – not forgetting Uborka’s very own host and hostess, and even managing to chime pleasantly with Graybo’s current Lexicon of Luuuurrvve – I believe it’s time to banish that meaning of blog-ring and invent a new one …

“Hello, I’m Sycophantia Gesundheit, and welcome to the Uborka Home Shopping Network, available on Channel 1163 on digital satellite (or, if you can’t find us easily, we’re in a prime spot right after the 24-hour hedgehog-tossing channel).

Our special offer today is this heartwarming romantic gift for loving couples who have found each other through the miracle of their frequently-updated personal websites. Or ‘blogs’, as I believe young people call them. Yes, today’s must-have purchase is the Genuine Silver Blog-Ring, yours for the remarkably improbable price of only £29.99 for the pair (plus postage & packing, direct from our warehouse in Vanuatu). These exquisite and beautiful pieces of jewellery are genuine silver – it says here – although they may contain various other metals and impurities.*

*Disclaimer: Uborka Home Shopping Network cannot be held responsible for any allergic skin reactions suffered due to the inferior quality of the materials or craftsmanship. Buyers are advised to insure their fingers before making a purchase.

However, the true secret of the Genuine Silver Blog-Ring can only be seen if Boris – our inebriated camera operator – comes in close to focus on the inner surface of this exquisite item. For this is where, when you order your pair of blog-rings, we will ask you to make the ultimate commitment to your blogging sweetheart by engraving on their blog-ring the password to your Movable Type installation, previously known only to you during those long dark nights of the soul when you were a single, unattached blogger.

Artist’s impression of romantic blogging couple,
shortly after exchanging blog-rings

Note: The couple in the above image are played by cartoon actors
employed by Uborka Home Shopping Network, and are not
intended to resemble anyone either alive or dead (or unsure).
Image © Uborka Home Shopping Network.

Buy this pair of rings today, and show the love and trust you have in each other. Never mind giving your true love the key to your heart. Show them what they mean to you by giving them the key to your weblog – a gift that money alone can’t buy (although the price remains £29.99, and we accept cheques, cash, credit cards, debit cards, luncheon vouchers and social security payment books).

To order these priceless items, call 0890 9090 9090 9090 9090 22 and ask for Wayne in the warehouse. Alternatively, you can visit our website, or press the red button on your interactive remote control.

That’s all from me, Sycophantia Gesundheit. Be sure to tune in to Uborka Home Shopping Network tomorrow, when our special offer will be this charming genuine antique cucumber in a bottle. It’s like a ship in a bottle, but offers a rather more quizzical talking-point when the neighbours pop round. Yours for just £17.50. Goodnight!”