November 27, 2022

Twitter Highlights from 2017

Welcome to 2017, and it’s clear that I’m in a retrospective mood.

I’ve been in one of those nostalgia mires all week. It’s starting to get a little wearing.5 January 2017
There’s a 90% chance of a cathartic nostalgia blog post tomorrow.5 January 2017

As promised, here it is.

He wants to pay prostitutes to piss on him? Good for him! That’s not the reason why he shouldn’t be President though.11 January 2017

As ever, my tweets stay fairly distant from current events, with the exception of the occasional oblique observation.

We’ve bought a new vacuum cleaner. We haven’t always had the best luck with vacuum cleaners. Maybe this one will be the awesome.17 January 2017

This one did not turn out to be the awesome. Vacuum cleaner nirvana will have to wait until November 2020.

My to-do list is full of things I’m probably never going to do. I should clear that out sometime (adds to to-do list).14 February 2017

No valentine’s day tweet this year, just this.

You know how the saying goes: When the cat’s away, the mouse will drink White Russians and watch The Expanse. I think that’s how it goes.3 March 2017

5 likes! Five! That’s amazing! Also, yet another reference to the alcoholic drinks I’m drinking. It’s weird how much I’m noticing that now.

I’ve been told that The Room (2003) might be the worst film ever. Let’s see how long I can last.13 April 2017

Right, buckle up, chums. There’s going to be a few of these, and I’m not leaving a single one out.

Fortunately I have whisky13 April 2017
The opening credits landscape shots are slightly off straight13 April 2017
The acting is like a soap opera13 April 2017
Oooh there’s undressing13 April 2017
Argh put it back on!13 April 2017
I think this might actually just be soft porn that I put on by accident13 April 2017
I love this old lady filling in the back story by telling Lisa all the things Lisa definitely already knows about herself.13 April 2017
Very smoothly done.13 April 2017
Okay it’s turning into a soft porn movie again.13 April 2017
Okay, this is the second sex scene already. How long have I been watching? Ten minutes?13 April 2017
Even actual porn has more plot than this.13 April 2017
At least this guy’s better looking than the last one.13 April 2017
I’m getting through the whisky quicker than predicted13 April 2017
The pizza order has more depth than the rest of the film put together so far13 April 2017
Is it my imagination or are all of this guy’s lines being dubbed?13 April 2017
Okay there’s no way he can get it up after half a bottle of vodka13 April 2017
Wow, guess I was wrong. Sex scene #313 April 2017
Lisa’s mum is basically the only person here pushing the plot forwards at all.13 April 2017
Apparently chocolate is the symbol of love. I like this guy’s moves.13 April 2017
Also, that now makes 4 love scenes in 30 minutes, for those of you playing along at home.13 April 2017
I’m assuming that the guy playing Johnny is smashed off his tits for the entirety of this film. There’s no other explanation.13 April 2017
Oh, hi Mark.13 April 2017
And suddenly every scene is set on the rooftop. I guess they got kicked out of the apartment owing to the non-stop coitus.13 April 2017
There’s something weird going on with Lisa’s neck. Like there’s something in there trying to get out.13 April 2017
You know what would make for an interesting project – a reshoot of this film with a tightened up script. Maybe it is salvageable.13 April 2017
These guys are throwing a ball around while standing 80cm from each other. That’s weird.13 April 2017
I feel like Lisa’s mum has forgotten that she has cancer.13 April 2017
Yes, watching Johnny set up a tape recorder on the phone is a thrilling thing to see, I’m glad none of it was cut out.13 April 2017
I love how the camera angle on the front door is always perfectly set up so you can never quite see the outside.13 April 2017
This guy’s tie is a bold one. Wonder where I can get one like that.13 April 2017
Charity shop, perhaps.13 April 2017
I wouldn’t be that forgiving if someone tried to throw me off of a rooftop.13 April 2017
Oh hi Danny13 April 2017
You know what I was saying earlier? Wondering if a reshoot with a tightened up script could save this film? Nope. Nope nope nope.13 April 2017
Oh hi Susan13 April 2017
Been a long time since the last sex scene13 April 2017
The overdubbed groans and sighs are wondrous13 April 2017
This is uncomfortably long. Please, climax already.13 April 2017
She’s undressing again! I am really struggling to keep count of how many times she’s taken her top off.13 April 2017
Seriously, this is a sub-soap-opera level storyline, with sub-soap-opera level acting. The only thing it has that soaps don’t is bewbs.13 April 2017
Ooooh, Lisa and Michelle having a pillow fight. I like where this is going.13 April 2017
Only 23 minutes of this left. I’m finding myself wondering what sort of payoff to expect before it’s through.13 April 2017
The awkwardness of this plot continues to plunge deeper and deeper depths.13 April 2017
The cat has slept through the majority of the film so far. Any minute now she’s going to be asking what she missed. And I’ll say “not much”.13 April 2017
Here we go, it’s kicking off.13 April 2017
Eurgh! (throws tape player)13 April 2017
That television looked very light13 April 2017
Well. Things haven’t worked out well for Lisa, have they.13 April 2017
I think that’s it.13 April 2017
I am definitely never watching that film again. What on earth even possessed me to even watch it once. Ah, yes, of course. The whisky.13 April 2017

Despite saying I’d definitely never watch it again, I sometimes find myself strangely tempted.

My livetweeting of Eurovision this year was also very thorough. I think that this might be because I had a laptop for the first time in my life (albeit my dad’s old one). If I’d been on my phone I would have lost interest far sooner, and probably the same is true for the tweets while watching The Room. As always, the Eurovision tweets don’t really make much sense out of context, but this one stands up by itself fairly nicely:

If the cat falls off the back of the sofa again, she’ll land on @erzsebel and it’ll be well funny.13 May 2017
There’s a tramp
In his pants
On the edge of the Thames
Washing himself
With Fairy liquid
While the swans watch
Can’t unsee.25 June 2017

Yep, I remember this from our Thames Path walk. The image is seared into my brain.

RT this if you’ve ever kissed a badger on the mouth.7 July 2017

Another one of my desperate attempts for attention. Absolutely nothing.

Halloumi, Halloumi
The squeaky cheese
From its little square packet
You can slide it with ease7 July 2017

Hang on, what’s this? Two retweets and four likes? Have I finally hit upon The Formula For Popularity?

Feta, Feta
Not to sound gloomy
But you know what’s better?
A tasty halloumi.7 July 2017

One retweet and three likes. That’s still pretty good. I should do more of this cheese-themed poetry.

Your own (dum da dum)
Personal (da dum)
Gravy (dum da dum)
Something to pour on your meat
But not on your feet (dum da dum)30 July 2017

Yeah, they love the silly rhymes.

Software development tip: when you find yourself spending hours trying to track down an elusive bug, stop and eat a flapjack. They’re magic.1 August 2017

I don’t think there are any problems that can’t be solved with a flapjack actually.

The phrase “the big light” to refer to an overhead light is one of those sayings that I only recently appreciated the weird regionality of.26 August 2017

And it’s not just the regionality of it that’s weird, but also the more you dissect the phrase, the more wrong it feels from a purely semantic viewpoint.

My latest quest is for the perfect alarm clock. It’s getting unhealthy.8 September 2017

For more details on this quest:

You’ll be pleased to know that it has a very satisfactory outcome.

I also tried to start a trending hashtag:

Volkswagen Passata #FoodCar8 September 2017
Ford Granola #FoodCar8 September 2017
Citron 2CV #MangeVoiture8 September 2017
Lincoln Continental Breakfast #FoodCar8 September 2017
Lada Samosa #FoodCar8 September 2017
Jaguar E-Number #FoodCar8 September 2017
Spaghetti Veyron #FoodCar8 September 2017

As you can probably imagine, it didn’t take off. But at least I tried.

Toyota Yaris Piper #FoodCar8 September 2017

Oh apparently I’m still going

VW Polo Mint #FoodCar9 September 2017
Ford Capri-Sun #FoodCar10 September 2017

Just give it up already!

I’ve got this new pet millipede
I keep it in a vase
I’d tell you more about it
But I don’t have enough chars.27 September 2017

Returning to the funny poetry to try and get some attention, but this one apparently just didn’t cut the mustard.

Seat Ipizza #FoodCar28 September 2017

Still trying to make that one work, huh?

Me: That’s a nice post
Maisy: It’s MY post.
7 October 2017

Ah, going back to cat photos. Probably not a bad idea.

The boy seems to mix up Hugh Bonneville and Bill Murray, with hilarious consequences.16 November 2017

When I say “hilarious”, of course, you know what I mean.

A nice plan to do some low-stress, relaxed car shopping is somewhat undermined by my existing car deciding to adopt a throaty exhaust sound this morning. Stoopid car.25 November 2017

Our old Vauxhall Astra, which we bought with 50k miles on it and which had served us so well for 13 years, was starting to show its age. It was a good car.

I have used
The last of the toilet paper
That was sitting
In the bathroomThat you were
Probably saving
For a colossal
Shit later on.

Forgive me
It was 3-ply
And so
Quilty1 December 2017

This is my sort of bandwagon. And I get to use the word “quilty” which is never a bad day.

This dog has started following us and we don’t know what to do.
1 December 2017

This was while we were walking the Thames Path. A dog started walking along with us. Which sounds adorable, right? The problem is that after a little while you encounter some people coming the other way, and the dog starts to give them attention, and they give you a look that says “you are irresponsible dog owners, that mutt should be on a leash” and you’re yelling “THAT’S NOT MY DOG IT IS JUST FOLLOWING ME”. Awkward. After a few miles, the dog attached itself to some other people and started following them back towards the west.

If you want to piss yourself laughing, search for ASMR on YouTube.2 December 2017
Someone should make a website which redirects you to either a ASMR video or a shrieking gamer at random.2 December 2017

Sometimes I get comments on my videos on YouTube in which people suggest that I should be doing ASMR. I think that it’s a combination of having an English accent, and not being an insufferable whooping arsehole. That seems to be all it takes.

There’s a drunk guy here setting the world to rights. I don’t want to excite everyone unnecessarily, but I think he might have all the answers.16 December 2017

No, it wasn’t me. Though I think I probably wasn’t completely sober, as the ensuing tweets will indicate:

I find myself sometimes wondering if bus drivers maybe aren’t 100% infallible.16 December 2017
Hey I think I might be the only person on this bus! It’s just like a really really big taxi!16 December 2017
Seriously though no shit they should pay me to do the recorded platform announcements. I could blow that shit outta the fuckin water.16 December 2017
By which I mean I’d be very very good at it, for those of you unfamiliar with my young peoples’ vernacular.16 December 2017

Go home Pete, you’re drunk.

Find your plumber name by taking your full name and adding “Plumbing Services” to the end.16 December 2017

Two people liked this. They have taste.

Maisy, I hope you’re not getting any ideas.
21 December 2017

Of course she’s thinking about it.

I wish I was clever enough to come up with my own clock jokes, but all the ones I know I heard second hand.16 December 2017

I hope this was an original joke, but even if it wasn’t, that’s kinda funnier still. Check out those 5 likes and 1 retweet though!

Moist towelette
Je te plumerai23 December 2017

Tumbleweeds. And now for the final tweet of the year…

Hot strudel custard #HotStrudelCustard29 December 2017

Two likes. I guess you had to be there.


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