Welcome to 2017, and it’s clear that I’m in a retrospective mood.
As promised, here it is.
As ever, my tweets stay fairly distant from current events, with the exception of the occasional oblique observation.
This one did not turn out to be the awesome. Vacuum cleaner nirvana will have to wait until November 2020.
No valentine’s day tweet this year, just this.
5 likes! Five! That’s amazing! Also, yet another reference to the alcoholic drinks I’m drinking. It’s weird how much I’m noticing that now.
Right, buckle up, chums. There’s going to be a few of these, and I’m not leaving a single one out.
Despite saying I’d definitely never watch it again, I sometimes find myself strangely tempted.
My livetweeting of Eurovision this year was also very thorough. I think that this might be because I had a laptop for the first time in my life (albeit my dad’s old one). If I’d been on my phone I would have lost interest far sooner, and probably the same is true for the tweets while watching The Room. As always, the Eurovision tweets don’t really make much sense out of context, but this one stands up by itself fairly nicely:
In his pants
On the edge of the Thames
With Fairy liquid
While the swans watch
Can’t unsee.25 June 2017
Yep, I remember this from our Thames Path walk. The image is seared into my brain.
Another one of my desperate attempts for attention. Absolutely nothing.
The squeaky cheese
From its little square packet
You can slide it with ease7 July 2017
Hang on, what’s this? Two retweets and four likes? Have I finally hit upon The Formula For Popularity?
Not to sound gloomy
But you know what’s better?
A tasty halloumi.7 July 2017
One retweet and three likes. That’s still pretty good. I should do more of this cheese-themed poetry.
Personal (da dum)
Gravy (dum da dum)
Something to pour on your meat
But not on your feet (dum da dum)30 July 2017
Yeah, they love the silly rhymes.
I don’t think there are any problems that can’t be solved with a flapjack actually.
And it’s not just the regionality of it that’s weird, but also the more you dissect the phrase, the more wrong it feels from a purely semantic viewpoint.
For more details on this quest:
You’ll be pleased to know that it has a very satisfactory outcome.
I also tried to start a trending hashtag:
As you can probably imagine, it didn’t take off. But at least I tried.
Oh apparently I’m still going
Just give it up already!
I keep it in a vase
I’d tell you more about it
But I don’t have enough chars.27 September 2017
Returning to the funny poetry to try and get some attention, but this one apparently just didn’t cut the mustard.
Still trying to make that one work, huh?
Ah, going back to cat photos. Probably not a bad idea.
When I say “hilarious”, of course, you know what I mean.
Our old Vauxhall Astra, which we bought with 50k miles on it and which had served us so well for 13 years, was starting to show its age. It was a good car.
The last of the toilet paper
That was sitting
In the bathroomThat you were
For a colossal
Shit later on.
It was 3-ply
Quilty1 December 2017
This is my sort of bandwagon. And I get to use the word “quilty” which is never a bad day.
This was while we were walking the Thames Path. A dog started walking along with us. Which sounds adorable, right? The problem is that after a little while you encounter some people coming the other way, and the dog starts to give them attention, and they give you a look that says “you are irresponsible dog owners, that mutt should be on a leash” and you’re yelling “THAT’S NOT MY DOG IT IS JUST FOLLOWING ME”. Awkward. After a few miles, the dog attached itself to some other people and started following them back towards the west.
Sometimes I get comments on my videos on YouTube in which people suggest that I should be doing ASMR. I think that it’s a combination of having an English accent, and not being an insufferable whooping arsehole. That seems to be all it takes.
No, it wasn’t me. Though I think I probably wasn’t completely sober, as the ensuing tweets will indicate:
Go home Pete, you’re drunk.
Two people liked this. They have taste.
Of course she’s thinking about it.
I hope this was an original joke, but even if it wasn’t, that’s kinda funnier still. Check out those 5 likes and 1 retweet though!
Je te plumerai23 December 2017
Tumbleweeds. And now for the final tweet of the year…
Two likes. I guess you had to be there.