One of the most frustrating things about my job is having to sit and watch someone tie themselves up in knots over a document that I could have finished off for them six months ago, given the chance.
The director I work for has a tendency not to stop at triple-checking things, but fusses like an old woman, presumably seeking perfection in a medium which defeats him from the outset. My non-professional diagnosis is that he is mildly dyslexic, and my professional diagnosis is that he doesn’t know when to let it lie. Consequently, every document we have printed goes back and forth between him and the printers, with occasional detours via every other member of staff, for their input and observations.
Most members of staff don’t give a monkeys quite how the third bullet point of the nineteenth paragraph is worded, or whether we say most of our staff are qualified or most of our staff have qualified.
Today’s fun job was working out which of three printed pdfs was the most recent one, after the printer had got confused and made the latest set of amendments to an earlier version. I have to sympathise with the guy, who is probably hideously confused by the constant revisions.
The director finally decided that he preferred certain sections of one version, and certain other sections of another version, and proceeded to tear the chosen paragraphs of the first out in strips, and staple them to the appropriate places of the second. This, obviously, would reduce the existing levels of confusion.
- Comments: 1
- Permission to take your first paragraph and cunningly replace the word "document" with "we... - Vaughan
For your own good
I read yesterday that confectionary manufacturers are phasing out king-size bars, as a measure to tackle obesity. The people who will be hardest hit, of course, are the recently-dumped, who will no longer have recourse to vast amounts of chocolate to fuel their heartbreak.
The next logical step will be to ban consumers from purchasing more than two regular bars at a time, in the same way that bulk purchases of paracetamol have been outlawed. This will prevent unpremeditated bingeing; but without vigilant policing, will be an insufficient measure if the potential consumer of chocolate has the foresight to buy their chocolate in advance.
The Food and Drink Federation is keen to encourage consumers to eat in moderation, and presumably this has something to do with the fact that KFC are now offering rice as an alternative to chips. The chicken is still deep fried by YTS rejects, but at least the vitamin and fibre content is increased 100% by the spring onion garnish.
Healthy food is now officially fashionable, which means that those of us who prefer not to follow the herd will have to start eating rubbish, just so that we can still feel like individuals. Pass me that airport-sized Toblerone…
- Comments: 13
- Freeloader. - D
- Spammer. - Stuart
- The recently dumped can still turn to Ben & Jerries for their fix. One sitting, one tub, a... - D
- What? They put you on it automatically if you're unemployed for any length of time and you... - Stuart
- Oi! I was on the New Deal for a while. - Stuart
The Muslim Women’s Brass Band
Ross Noble made me laugh so hard last night, that I couldn’t breathe.
- Comments: 2
- He's cool. He was the comedian who we went to see the evening the entire audience came bac... - Stuart
- Saw him with Jose last year in London live. Absolutely hilarious. have never seen anyone g... - Adrian
Pock’s Away
For the remaining quarter of the year I shall be retreating to my hermitage in order to study ancient manuscripts, grow a long flowing beard in which to gather crumbs from my diet of sweet biscuits, and generally mutter to myself.
Doctor Pockless ties his bundle to a stick and retreats to an unknown location, for an unspecified amount of time. His doodles shall be sorely missed, as will the words that surround them.
In an unprecedentedly shocking coincidence, my brother is coming home next week, although whether or not it will feel like home after eight or nine years* of living abroad, is another matter. Thanks to various funerals and courses and whathaveyou, I have seen him so frequently in the last year, that I may start to miss him when he takes up residence in this country again.
*No doubt he will clarify the precise length of his soujourn in Poland and Hungary, if I am mistaken.
- Comments: 4
- Stuart - I've replied to your email. Vaughan - we'd better have that decider then, otherwi... - Doctor Pockless
- What. The. Hell. Am. I. Going. To. Do. For. Online. Scrabble. Games. Now? - Vaughan
- I'm on it. I'll get back to you. Are you after a houseshare, digs, or a flat of your own? - Stuart
- "The remaining quarter of the year" is not exactly what I'd call "an unspecified amount of... - Doctor Pockless
My new instrument
I have been playing bass for as long as Tony Blair’s grin has been ruling* this country (or thereabouts) and for a few years now, I’ve been wondering where to go next. I considered a five-string, but whenever I’ve tried them out, I have been distinctly unmoved.
Going to fretless seemed like a suitable challenge, and a skill which I will be justifiably proud of, once mastered.
I introduce to you, the Aria Sinsonido AS-690B (fretless). Very light, and has an awful lot in common with an electric upright bass, most notably the piezo pickups built into the bridge. As the gentleman in the shop correctly pointed out, most people who go shopping for a fretless bass are looking for a double bass sound, and this instrument has it in spades.
Very reasonably priced, as well. Which means that I’ve already saved up for the next one.
I also want to know why no-one ever told me about Denmark Street before.

*for want of a better word
- Comments: 16
- Yeah, it goes to -1. - D
- Somebody turned the reality knob all the way down on that bass. - Dan the Goose
- Yes! Thank you, Irregular Ade - Ever since the man assembled the bass in the shop, I've be... - Karen
- Gary Numan? Never! I may have dodgy 80s albums by Furniture and The Dolphin Brothers, but ... - Vaughan
- Vaughan, I'll bet you've got Music For Chameleons by Gary Numan (featuring the superb Mr P... - not a regularly commenting ade
Safecall
Behind me in the queue for the cash machine at HSBC on Shaftesbury Avenue, a boy stands with his arm wrapped awkwardly around a girl, more of a half-nelson than an embrace, as though he thinks she might run away.
Did you tell anyone you were meeting me? He has a northern accent.
She is foreign, but I can’t quite place her; her english is good, but musically non-native. I told my friend, but I didn’t give her any details. Just told her I was meeting you.
She has travelled a long way for this first real life meeting with a man who found her on the internet, and she hasn’t let anyone know what she’s doing. Yes she’s in a public place, but one couple in central London, not noticeable or remarkable in any way; who will help her if she gets into difficulties?
Why hasn’t she told anyone? It’s relatively normal now, to make friends online and then meet them in person. Why are people still slightly sheepish about it, when it’s only their own sense of shame that makes the arrangement seedy?
I’ve abandoned my prevarication when asked how I met my boyfriend, and I’m happy to admit that 75% of my social network consists of people I met on the internet. Perhaps if we get a bit more open about it, then the rest of the population will realise that we’re not all geeks and weirdos and potential axe murderers, and then people will be able to be honest about what they’re doing, and make sure someone knows where they’re going.
Because some of us still might be axe murderers.
- Comments: 26
- Meh. I have no responsibilities here whatsoever. Julie was seriously cute though, and obvi... - D
- You just made a very bold, very solid statement of opinion. But if I'd said what I had jus... - pixeldiva
- I'd educate my daughter about the realities of the world and hope she wasn't stupid enough... - Karen
- I dunno- the thing for 15-year old girls to do in Hamilton was hang out in front of the Mc... - Destructor
- Well, I'm hardly an authority on the subject. Adrian, without a doubt, has the smallest on... - Destructor
The Wrong Toybox
Bitch. Ph.D. on what to do when your children find your sex toys:
Restraints, cockrings, and such: no big deal. You can always just say it’s for playing pirate, although again you’ll have to deal with the fact that they’ll go missing and end up in the wrong toybox, and again they’ll commandeer the cockrings as bracelets or something. I cannot emphasize too much the importance of keeping your sex toys clean when you’ve got kids around.
May this give us all something to think about, next Talk Like A Pirate day.
via Bobbie‘s Guardian column.
- No comments yet, but you can change that.
Another Blaster Victim
(sub-title: Maybe they do it just to keep people who don’t know anything about computers off of the internet)
Two years-ish ago, I upgraded a computer for my sister. It consisted of taking a perfectly serviceable Pentium 300 (or thereabouts) and fitting it with a hard drive that wasn’t obscenely small, and putting on all the software that a girl needs to survive on a dial-up connection.
- Comments: 1
- It's a sad day when you have to harden home PC's as well as you do servers. - Adrian