Imagine a smooth, liquid transition from the theme of the weeks’ writings into a marvellously witty angle on serving cocktails.
Imagine how we may have sown the seeds of this approach in earlier articles, building up in a spectacularly planned and ruthlessly executed display of organised brilliance. Those specks of allusion suddenly resolve themselves into an unwitting path we have led you along, unknowing, until this moment, when we reveal everything, and with an expansive wave of the hand let you look back over the journey of the week and see things from this perspective and have you slapping your foreheads with delight and amazement.
Are you imagining that?
Really?
Are you really trying?
Good.
Would anyone like a cocktail?
Let’s make the theme…relationship bullsh*t.

RUN.

This is it, gents.
The big one.
In the relationship game of chess, this is checkmate, this is the goal. Much like chess, in fact, bringing it about will involve a lot of contrived manoeuvring, and planning as many moves ahead as your mental capacity will allow.
Understand that the Queen is the most powerful piece on the board.
Your full-fledged ambition to become a doting househusband rests entirely on how this section of your relationship goes. Everything you’ve done so far to get your lady into the situation where popping the question becomes an issue counts heavily, but might also count for nothing.
Women, fickle yet wonderful creatures though they are, may well have been seeing you for some time with no intention to see the relationship through to it’s honourable conclusion. It’s a sad truth for the traditional gentleman and the new new man, but that’s life in the 21st century. Things are now much more complicated than getting her father drunk and getting him to sign something.
Tactics
However unsavoury it might seem, tactics may well be to your advantage.
Your lady may well have some sort of pre-determined idea of how she wants the proposal to be. This may involve expensive restaurants, exotic holiday destinations or a troupe of elephants attempting the macarena – it varies from lady to lady. How you find out this information is up to you.
As men, we are all hopeless when it comes to understanding the complexities of the female psyche, so you might want to take an epic gamble and do something you thought of yourself.
Your Pitch
Now, down to the salesmanship. You will hopefully know your lady quite well by this point, and you will know what motivates her. If you’re sensible, you will have been slowly tailoring yourself to her tastes and wants over the course of your courtship. You will drop vague hints as to the pleasures of coming home to a hot meal on the table at the end of her working day, of having a lovely clean house to come back to, of having a man about the home to tend to and take care of the children while she earns the family crust.
Tempt her.
The Nitty Gritty
There are certain protocols for doing the deed. Going down on one knee is traditional, but why not go down on two, or even bow down to her feet as well, just to show her you’re serious?
This technique has often been used throughout history in some extremely prestigious begging situations, so do not be afraid to wheel it out on special occasions such as this.

Look, the sad fact of the matter is, even the most free-wheeling, man-eating happy single gal out there will eventually find that apartments are cheaper for two serious relationships are worth the effort.
But oy VEY how much effort? The “talks” and the “hand holding” and the “meeting the family”. And to add insult to injury, you’re not even getting laid nearly as often. The average single woman can and should get laid at least four times a week. Often men, who constantly seek sexless committed reassurance, can settle for once a month. This is obviously a problem that can be solved by A. convincing him that S&M is the appropriate lifestyle for you and immediately bagsying the Dom role or B. grinding up Viagra into his drink.
But medicated constant horn or whips-and-chains aside, every reluctantly bound red-bloooded female will stumble upon the aspect of Committed that can have you want to BE committed: arguments. Instead of trying to parse the complicated and onion-like layers of insecurity, need, dependence, and fragility that is the male mind … I’m going to give you the crib notes. Memorise the following responses.
Him: “I’m feeling like you don’t listen to me.”
You: He wants you to like his opinions and laugh at his jokes. The fast-track to solving this is gently asking him to pull up his poetry work from college, because you’ve always thought it was so beautiful. Then mentally rearrange your shoe closet while you listen – this should give you the appropriately concerned and probing facial expression.
Him: “Can I leave my shaving gel in your medicine cabinet?”
You: Much like female insects that poop on their desired mate’s food to let everyone know who belongs to whom … well, your man is pooping in your medicine cabinet. Unfortunately, if you don’t agree, he will take it as a sign that you’re Pushing Him Away and then he will start to withhold sex. Avoid this. Instead, generously offer him the shelf that’s, let’s face it, a little too tall for you. This should buy you at least five good shags and a cooked meal. Slowly start reclaiming the shelf in three to seven weeks’ time.
and lastly, the absolutely worst –
Him: “It’s important to me that you get along with my mother.”
You: What I’d like to say is run, but if you’ve gotten this far, he obviously gives great head, so the best I can do is … pretend to be a cheerleader. Remember those girls? They smiled at EVERYTHING? They liked EVERYONE? Okay. When you go to spend time with his mother, smile like you’ve just been botoxed within an inch of your life. Or, get botoxed within an inch of your life. Helpful hint: While getting completely slammed at happy hour with your pals seems like a good way to prepare for his mother, it’s in fact the worst thing you could possibly do. Try the botox. Or Zanax. Just smile and ask to see baby pictures. Then get bonkered on martinis.
I’m confident that using avoidance, occasional head, and the ever-useful Simpering Face of Affection and Repentance, you should be able to sidestep ever really discussing anything painful or annoying with your Steady Shag.

Into every life a little rain must fall.
If something goes awry and your lady is not happy, then things are looking bad. You’ve obviously made a mistake somewhere along the line, or that angelic beauty of yours would not have stopped to illustrate her displeasure.
It is obvious: you are in the wrong.
So you need to do something about it. Mysterious, unfathomable and wondrous though they may be, women can, sometimes, give you some sort of clue as to what you have done. Even if you have no idea, and this might be more common, there is a little mantra which might come in useful at this point.
“Please, please, I’m sorry, forgive me.”
DO NOT deviate from this until you are sure what has happened. Never promise never to do something again until you know what it is not to do. There is very little idea that even the most intelligent man could possibly gain about which of his activities might make his lady disgruntled, and sadly, it is impossible to simply do nothing to keep her gruntled.
These are provided as examples only, and should not be taken as Gospel.
The Importance of Communication
It’s not all about being passive.
A lot of it is, but not all of it.
Your lady understands that a good relationship is about the free flow of expression and understanding, and whilst we understand that it is actually about hooking that girl for good through letting her wander off covnersationally about anything she wants, it doesn’t do ay harm at all to gently remind her that you are in fact, a wonderful listener, by expressing concern that maybe your views aren’t being taken in all seriousness. It doesn’t matter if you have never expressed an idea to her at this point. The aim is merely to remind her how much she needs you to talk at.
Unwelcome Intrusion
Women can be fiercely independent creatures. The smallest thing can cause their intrinsic territorial nature to flare, and so this should be borne in mind in your relentless, insipid attempts to insinuate yourself into her life. Hinting at the fact that some clothes of yours may as well stay in her apartment, for example, or moving in your records, books, and Last Will and Testament.
Little things.
Just be aware.
Harmonious Family Life
You can choose your friends, and indeed your life partner(s), but not your family. Family can be a grave source of arguments, and it is every man’s hell to be caught in the crossfire between the two women in his life. You will know from long experience that Mother is not to be questioned or doubted, but to take her side in any conflict is to sound a death knell for your long-running plans for marital bliss. So what do you do?
Ensure that conflict never occurs. Ensure that your Chosen and Mother never meet, or gently impress upon your lady how important familial harmony is to you. This is also handy, because in the term ‘familial harmony’ your lady is of course referred to as PART of the family; a great step forward towards your wedding day.

Sex for women is a complicated, emotional thing. We must understand that it is not our personal climax that is the most important, but rather how well we connect with our lovers and enjoy the mutual pleasure of being blah blah bollocks blah
What are we, MARTIANS?
Listen, you know how there are Two Things about everything? Well, women are pretty simple, straight-forward creatures, so there are Two Things about sex that every woman knows and obeys.
1. Get off. Every time. Leave it to men to worry about whether or not you’re connecting emotionally. That’s just because they’ve never had one of our bases-loaded home-runners. Men may get off every time, but we get off the PLANET. Ladies, we all secretly know it’s true. In a to-the-death-match, female screamers would have male grunters TKO while the bell was still ringing. and ringing. and RINGING. so none of this namby-pamby take-one-for-the-team malarkey. We get on top, or on bottom, or off the couch, or swinging from the flipping chandelier if we have to. Don’t take “I have a headache” or “You never talk abour your childhood” for an answer. You get in there, you get out there, and you get OFF.
2. ……
Actually, there was only one thing all women know about sex. But some major notables include: Don’t let him think sex automatically means love, a ring, or that house in the Hamptons. There’s also It DOESN’T happen to every guy so why are you with the one it does? and my personal favourite…It’s not exclusive unless he’s holding the key to your handcuffs.
Now you know what it’s like to have sex. Like a woman. So why are you still reading this?!

There is a saying; ‘ladies first’.
This is clearly only applicable in sexual situations with three or more participants, so for the purposes of today’s post we shall have to adapt it to ‘lady first’.

Sexual intercourse, or ‘fruiting’, is a beautiful emotional and physical meeting of beings on many psychological, sociological and unhygienic levels, and should not be undertaken lightly.

Men…boys…gentlemen.
Something has to be said at this point.
When it comes to sex, we are not to be trusted. Deep inside each nice civilised boy there is a primeval neanderthal who cares not for social niceties or considerations of biology or physique, and it is our heavy task to suppress this demon-like caveman at every turn, to ignore his base urges and ascend to a higher plane of sexual consideration and sensitivity.

Ignore what your body tells you, and instead pay attention to any hints your lady may have dropped on the long road to dropping her underwear. While she will almost certainly push for sexual relations to begin from an early stage of the relationship, do not ignore these requests completely but in the act of playing hard to get, take note of what your lady wants. This way when that special occasion comes along, you have had time for a suitable level of research.

In the transcendence of your own base physical urges lies the great advantage that sexual intercourse is no longer a source of pleasure. It becomes a mere token; a playing piece in the game of snaring your lady for good and luring her into serious commitment.

Perhaps you’re under the impression that dating is a complicated, delicate jeux a deux. That’s where you’re wrong. Here’s the wonderful thing about being a woman – you’re pretty much completely in charge.

When those Martians (via methods and technologies we’re steadfastly refusing to discuss at this moment in time) came a-courtin’, perhaps they thought they had it all figured out. They’ve investigated the latest trends in desirable Martian-wear, they’ve done background research on our exciting careers and are more than prepared to discuss the more intimate aspects of feminism and child-rearing with us.

Whereas you really just want them to shut up and start with the kissyface. This puts you in a complicated situation, however, because you do not want to appear like you don’t care about their opinions. They are men, you know, not beasts. Well, at least, they don’t want you thinking of them as beasts. But we sort of do, don’t we. Let me illustrate what men think we talk about on those shared bathroom breaks and during cupcake happy hours:

Female A: “I don’t know what to do about ____.”
Female B: “Why, problems in the bedroom?”
Female A: “Well, he’s not much good, but who cares about THAT. I know he’s interested in being 70% Emotionally Present, but I’m really worried about his mother issues. Will he ever Commit?”
Female B: “I’m nodding sympathetically. Let me tell you about the six hours I spent evaluating two lines of an email from my current Husband Project.”
Female A: “Men, honestly.”

This is completely wrong. Let me demonstrate what women really talk about:

Female A: “So, how is he?”
Female B: “Well, he’s really friendly and charming. He’s got a great summer place and he loves animals.”
Female A: “So are you still seeing him?”
Female B: “I had my secretary tell him I’m out of town. Permanently.”
Female A: “Why?”
Female B: “Well, he kisses like a Hoover on Manic Repeat Cycle and he has this annoying habit of holding both breasts at the same time.”
Female A: “Who has time for that. There’s better out there.”
Female B: “Carpe Dick, dude.”
Female A: “I’m nodding sympathetically.”

See the point? Women, you know what you want. You want the kissyface. And the best of the rest. You want the action. Dinner and a movie is really just something you sit through until you can test-drive the merchandise.

As such, try not to yawn too much when he’s asking you probing questions or listening carefully to your ideas. He feels the need to prove his mettle in this manner – allow him to be Sensitive and Worthy before you drag him off to any manner of bedroom. But don’t let him spend the night unless he’s good at cooking breakfast.