Good afternoon and welcome to you all on this beautiful summers day. If you’re sitting here reading this while the sun is high in the sky and there’s not a cloud to be seen – what are you doing? Get outside and enjoy it!
But if you are here then perhaps you’re just checking emails to see who’s replied to those last minute invitations to the barbecue you decided to hold tonight. But let me guess. You’ve bought the charcoal, you’ve got the potato salad, you’ve marinaded the chicken and the beer is chilling in the fridge.
But you’ve forgotten dessert.
Well fear not, because I’m here to give you a foolproof Draconian Dessert recipe that will make you the envy of all your guests.
Dragon’s Tiramisu
What you need:
1 Bottle Kahlua
1 Bottle Dark Rum
(Optional bottle Brandy)
200ml Strong (and I mean STRONG) black coffee. Kenco Instant is good for this if you can’t be bothered to make some filter coffee.
500g Marscarpone Cheese
75g Caster sugar
3 Medium Eggs
1 packet Boudoir biscuits (sponge fingers to you)
Cocoa/Hot Chocolate powder
Serves up to 6/8 people or 4 extremely greedy ones.
Right, got all that? Good! Let’s crack on.

1. First off, the coffee. Make sure you’ve made the coffee strong and have let it cool down. Add a couple of splashes of rum (with kahlua and brandy as optional extras. Whiskey works too) Make sure you add a splash extra because you won’t have added enough.
2. Next, seperate the eggs. Try not to get too much eggshell into the egg white.
3. Use a whisk to beat the egg yolks and caster sugar together until it’s a pale, thick and gloopy mixture. It should be quite smooth in consistency. Slowly add all the marscapone and mix it together until smooth. When it’s very smooth and pale, add some kahlua. A couple of splashes maybe alright but you can always add a teaspoon or two more. Don’t add too much because it’ll get too runny.
4. An optional extra step is to whisk up the egg whites until they are nice and fluffy and then fold the egg whites into the marscapone mix. You don’t have to do this but you get a lighter texture
5. Get a large glass cooking dish (rectangular ones are far better and easier for this than round ones) that’s about 1.5 – 2 inches deep. Place the boudoir biscuits around the bottom of the dish until it’s completely covered and then build up around the sides.
6. If you don’t think you’ve got enough alcohol in the mixture, drizzle a little of the rum and/or brandy over the biscuits. Otherwise, you can go to the next step.
7. Pour the coffee mixture over the boudoir biscuits until they are soggy. Don’t drown them!
8. Spoon in the marscapone mix over the boudoir biscuits until either the dish is full or you run out of mix. You can spend your time putting poncey patterns in the top or you can just flatten it out and then sprinkle some of the cocoa powder over the top.
9. Cover with cling film and put into the fridge. Leave for at least an hour so that it firms up and chills.

And that’s all there is to it.
A couple of warnings though. One: this recipe contains raw eggs so don’t eat it if you are or think you are pregnant. Two: if you’ve followed my version of the recipe, this will be extremely alcoholic. You may not want to try driving, operating heavy machinery or standing up after eating it.
Now get out and enjoy the rest of the day!

jack lives here, so help yourself lyle. i’m not sure what brand of beer your parents drank, but if you feel like giving them something back, may i recommend a nice vb.
for stuart, a guiness. sorry mate, i didn’t see any with a teat, but they’ve got some nice bottles on display so we could add one for you. (err…)
moving right along!
here’s a carlton stripe for the destructor. i couldn’t find the plastic cup in question, so may i recommend you choose from a nice selection of beer steins to drink from instead? also, here’s a little something in case it doesn’t taste ashy enough for you!
an orange vodka for a green fairy, as soon as i see some ID, thanks. i’d offer to recreate the experience for you, but i can’t stand listening to metallica, let alone fling myself around to it. so i think i’ll let you enjoy your drink in peace.
a stella or four in the sun for dragon.
for the redhead pix, a southern comfort and lemonade (which i think sounds far more tempting than calling it a bayou backwater).
vaughan, here is your pernod and blackcurrant. i don’t know why you’re embarrassed – it looks perfectly respectable and refreshing to me.
there are so many ways to make a martini, that i may just have to go through them one by one until the good doctor finds the one he likes best, or until he re-attains the state of muddiness, whichever comes first.
i have to admit i have no idea what a pint of ‘heavy’ is, so gordon, if you’ll pardon my ignorance and accept a vb instead i will be most grateful.
anna, to save you unpleasant memories of regurgitation, i’m going to skip the MD and give you a long island tea straightaway.
mr d, i’m not entirely sure, but i hope this is what you’re after.
a shot of tequila for krissa. don’t forget the salt and lemon!
some younger’s tartan and lemonade for robin – sorry it’s late, hope you’re enjoying the coast.
graybo, i’m not sure if this is anything like that what your father made, but if it’s not strong enough you might just have to drink this instead!
since it’s the weekend, i reckon angel should enjoy both a scotch and a tequila sunrise.
karen has also ordered a tequila sunrise, here’s one especially for her.
phew. i think that’s everyone.
i’d join you all, but i’ve already had too much to drink tonight. it’s also why cocktails are so late today. sorry. *hic*
enjoy.

1983. The Fire Station Hall School Disco

I’d badgered by parents for weeks to let me go, without the chaperoning influence of my elder sister. One week before the event of the year, they folded under the continuous pressure and agreed.

I was bedecked in my finery, grooving on down to ‘Mirror in the Bathroom’, checking to see if the blond haired god of my dreams was looking my way, when a friend pulled my arm.

Words were whispered in my ear, the only two of which I could make out were “Cinzano” and “outside”.

I was far more interested in catching the eye of my dream boy than standing outside discovering the delights of alcohol, but was finally convinced to sneak outside and sample said delights.

Some lemonade was produced and the friend attempted to pour some into the Cinzano bottle. This resulted in a Cinzano / lemonade volcanic eruption of epic proportions. She shrieked and threw the bottle up in the air.

The bottle flew in my direction with uncanny accuracy. I caught it, upside down, just before it impaled itself in my forehead. I was soaked from head to foot and smelt delightful.

At that moment ‘Blond Dream God’ appeared saying my mum was looking for me inside.

Ground. Swallow. Whole. Please.

I was grounded for a month and had to apologise in person to the Chief Fire Officer for taking alcohol in to the Fire Station.

Somehow I was never believed when I said I hadn’t actually drunk anything.

So, my first alcoholic drink. Consumed by osmosis.