I make abysmal mash. It is always too lumpy or too smooth or too watery or too dry. I can do it from jacket potatoes but that always seems a waste of good jackets. However: the slow cooker!
I first saw slow cooker mash on mumsnet, but it seems to have disappeared. Googling comes up with a load of wacky American recipes involving chicken broth and onion powder. So, just get a load of potatoes. Peel them slice them chop them dice them (I went for chunks about 1.5″ across). In the slow cooker with a minute dribble of water, some salt and a large lump of butter. I put it on high because I didn’t get them peeled until midday – they were done by 5.30. Mash them, add milk, mash some more. Scoff.
- No comments yet, but you can change that.
Yulevent
Now that we’ve got my birthday out of the way, I am feeling more than usually festive. Perhaps it’s just a red wine hangover, or a little soft spot created by collecting Bernard from his friend’s house yesterday, where they were putting up the christmas tree. Yes, on 29th November. In the Philippines, where they come from, apparently they usually put the tree up in September, so this was pretty restrained of them.
What this blog needs… what this blog really needs, is a cultural countdown to the end of year festivities. And what this blog does best is collaborate and diversify. So starting tomorrow and culminating on the 24th December we are aiming for a daily contributed post about your own festivities, your family traditions, your childhood memories, your utter loathing for the festering season, whatever you would like to write. Who’s in? Comment, email or tweet @ubotka if you have something to say, and let me know if there’s a particular date on which you would like to say it.
- Comments: 7
- 9th and 13th are now taken. - Karen
- The 9th is your oyster. - Karen
- Hmm. I'm free for any of those dates. Since I sense that my entry is going to be more on t... - Vaughan
- Dates currently available: 6/7/8/9/11/13/15/16/17/18/22/23/24 - Karen
- I've allocated those dates to the two of you. Feel free to write at any time and leave it ... - Karen
Birthday Cocktails
If the birthday cocktails are going to be thrown at me, as I fully anticipated they would, then we’re not serving anything with ice today. In fact, nothing cold at all. I hear several pleas for a hot toddy or something warm and medicinal, and actual cough medicine would be way too sticky, so I’ll just mull all the cocktails instead.
Lyle has opted to splash me with an appropriately cucumberish drink which sounds fairly unpleasant cold, and will probably be completely unpalatable hot. I don’t think I’ve ever had sake, but I understand that it is acceptable to heat it. It’s just the cooked cucumber that I’m wary of. Maybe we’ll skip that ingredient.
Hooray, especially for my birthday, Ade has turned up for cocktails today (they all crawl out of the woodwork when I mention “it’s my round.”) Like Lisa and Asta, Ade is having a hot drink. Not too hot, I don’t wish to be scalded. You three can huddle up and enjoy the heat from the birthday candle in this mince pie.
Googling “hot champagne” to find something for Clair led me to a slightly sketchy looking YouTube video and some M&S adverts, so I think we’ll just bung it in a saucepan with a vanilla pod and some honey, and see what comes out.
Star of this week’s Where Are They Now, Doctor Pockless cheekily offers the world’s most expensive cocktail to everyone in the bar. Luckily I am rich in imaginary bitcoins with which to pay for them. Such a shame what happened when I put them in the microwave, though.
Unsolicited cocktails this week for Pete, unable to be with us owing to pressures of work: he can have a warm beer. Also for Pixeldiva, who has sent me a birthday present that the whole family will enjoy. And a flaming sambuca for everyone who contributed a slow cooker recipe this week: wasn’t it fun!
I have had a perfectly nice day in which I bought shoes and a warm top, ate a second breakfast and ran the calories off later, and didn’t do much else. I think there will be curry later, but I don’t have to make it.
- Comments: 4
- happy birthday, Karen! - swisslet
- Yes, it actually has. - Karen
- Has that one got a stollen recipe? - Lisa
- Many happy returns. - Doctor Pockless
Bar’s Open
It’s my birthday; drinks are on me.
- Comments: 7
- Merci mille fois. The temperature has dropped here so I'll have this hot buttered rum pl... - asta
- Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to Karen! Happy birthda... - Clair
- Happy birthday. Something medicinal, please. - Lisa
- It's been quite a week, so I could do with a pint. But as you're buying, I'll have somethi... - Doctor Pockless
- Happy Birthday! Maybe if I draw a massive candle onto this LED wall then once Lyle has ha... - Ade
My week in slow cookery
Earlier in the week I gave you my roasted pepper chilli recipe, but I didn’t stop there, oh no. This week has been inspiring but also busy and it’s helped to have the slow cooker in permanent residence on the side. I gave it the night off last night and made aubergine and tomato curry, but actually that could have been nice slow-cooked as well.
So as well as the chilli, I made a really bad leek and potato soup. This consisted of leeks, potatoes, carrots, pepper, vegetable stock, rosemary and chopped ginger (the latter two ingredients suggested by Lisa). It tasted of absolutely nothing, at which point I grumbled about it on twitter and was variously recommended to adulterate it with worcestershire sauce, soya sauce, sweet chilli sauce, butter, blue cheese, paprika and tomato puree. It remained unpleasant, but the home-made spelt and wholemeal seedy bread that we had with it was quite nice.
Next I threw together a lamb and apricot casserole, which was much nicer. I used the leftover soup as stock, but added quite a lot of ras-el hanout as well. My Ocado delivery of lamb was very fatty so probably less than 200g went into it in the end, along with all the other vegetables I could find. It was served with cous cous and the leftovers were only about enough for a child’s portion, which is a good sign and also useful.
This week has served to remind me that I do use it for a wider range of food than I thought; I have just loaded up the ingredients for a sausage and lentil casserole. Here’s my recipe, along the lines of my usual approach to cooking:
Get a packet of sausages, cut them in half, throw them in the slow cooker along with about half a packet of lentils, half a chopped onion, a squidge of tomato puree, a tin of tomatoes, and some water with which you washed out the dregs from a jar of marmite. Switch it on low and leave it until later. Wonder when you will have time to make mash.
- Comments: 1
- Sausages are one of the only things I brown before putting in the slow cooker, else they l... - Lisa
Where are they now? An interview with Dr Pockless
Are you living in the same place as in 2004/05?
Well, in 2004/5 alone I lived at 4 different addresses, but you wouldn’t find me at any of them now. 2004 was the year I returned to the UK after almost 9 years living in Eastern Europe (mostly Hungary). We appear to have settled in Bristol, but I use the word “settle” with extreme caution. On moving to our current home in 2008, I counted 25 places I’d lived long enough to use as a postal address. My feet may be itchy, but I assure you, it’s not fungal.
Would we recognise you if we passed you in the street?
Who is this “we” you’re talking about? If you recognised me in 2004/5, I suspect you’d recognise me now. I’m both heavier and hairier, but essentially the same plump-cheeked, bespectacled twerp you may or may not have recognised bumbling down a street in Budapest.
We all had a blog back then. Do you still have one, or are you mainly present somewhere else?
I have one, yes, but I mostly post pictures on it. I have a professional site now, which contains a blog section, where I intended to write about animation and illustration, but where I ended up posting all the pictures that weren’t for my clients. The vast majority of posts are drawings of fat, middle-aged men in underpants.
Tell us one goal you would like to achieve before your next birthday?
To make up my mind whether or not to yield to this infernal itching.
Are you afraid that the government is taking over our internet and making it rubbish? Or is what they’re doing necessary for the sake of the children?
I’m not sure I recognise this as an either/or type question. The internet is a vast, uncontainable expression of all things, and this is precisely what makes it wonderful. I see what governments are doing as inevitable, but it will always meet with resistance, and will never be quite perfect. Also, when we talk of governments and fear, I’m compelled to ask “Which government?” I spend a lot of time worrying about the Hungarian government, and with them, there is some genuine fear. The British government are a dreary lot, but to the best of my knowledge, they are not actively shutting down the means I have to resist them. I can say what I like about them, without fear for my family. Increasingly, this is less true of Hungary.
Asta spent some time as a trompe l’oeil muralist and passersby would feel free to suggest what she should paint. Do you run into same? How do you deal with it?
Oh, all the time. I wouldn’t seek to prevent people from making suggestions, as long as they respect my right to completely ignore them. Many people see World Leaders in Underpants and say “you should do celebrities” or something along those lines. Presumably they say this because they are concerned that what I’m doing won’t be sufficiently popular unless I join the orthodox narrative of contemporary culture. In short, they miss the point entirely. With irkafirka, I frequently encountered people who claimed to love it, but seemed not to understand it at all. They also said I should focus more on celebrities. People in marketing frequently cited it as something clever, and tried to bend it to their jaundiced, love-annihilating ends, every time without success.
Once, when I was telling a story to my Granny she paused and looked at me curiously. “You’ll never be rich” she said. She was right.
Do you run into attitude that because it’s cartoon, on internet, it’s not art?
It’s probably best that I don’t worry too much about whether what I do is art or not. This has nothing to do with the means of expression or the mode of distribution, and everything to do with the continued effort not to disappear up my own arse. This is what killed Doctor Pockless (whose name I still use, albeit it shorn of the dubious qualifications).
What inspired “World Leaders in their Underpants”? How many more to go? And what’s the next project going to be?
A drawing of a bear combined with the Arab Spring was its inspiration, and there are about 20 to go. I don’t know yet how I’ll follow it, but it will probably be equally silly, and just as unrewarding.
What, of all your art, is your favourite piece?
It probably wasn’t my best piece, but about 15 years ago I drew a cartoon which made one of my colleagues cry. It was called The Concise Life of Christ, and it depicted a nativity scene in which Mary cradled a man nailed to a cross. He was screaming, and the disciples huddled in the background were saying “Did you get that down?” as one of them scribbled in a vast book. I proudly blu-tacked it to the wall of the teachers’ room in the school where I was then working. It remained there until the aforementioned tears. Presumably she was moved by the poignancy of my work. I’m not sure, because she never spoke to me again.
Do you make sketches as souvenirs?
Yes. But rarely on purpose.
Would you ever consider doing a self-portrait in your underpants?
I’ve never mastered the self-portrait, but if I did, you’d probably prefer it if I were fully clothed. Psoriasis isn’t pretty.
Next we hope to interview our old friend Destructor, who you may remember from various past cocktail hours. Let us know your questions!
- Comments: 4
- I'm always astounded by people who can draw, since it's a skill I have none of. Questi... - Sevitz
- Maybe you need some of this.... - Karen
- To be honest, I'd rather be a draughtsman than an artist. Sadly, it's the other way round.... - Doctor Pockless
- Granny also accused you of being a draughtsman, not an artist. To the best of my knowledge... - Karen
Slow parmigiana
A slightly-faffy slow-cooker recipe, though faff that can be faffed in your own time rather than when hungry. Say, when listening to pop master. Continue reading
- Comments: 2
- Just for you x - Lisa
- You get extra points for "breast is really best." - Karen
Ozone Layer, I’m Sorry
Another of the favoured slow-cooker recipes is the infamous sausage and bean casserole (similar to a Cassoulet, only breezier). It’s ace, easy, but Oh My God, it does lead one to deflate quite spectacularly.
So, the ingredients. (And yes, on this one I’m spectacularly lazy, I know, I know)
- Six or Twelve decent quality sausages. (I’m a fan of Pork & Caramelised Onion, or Pork and Apple, but any will do)
- 2 chopped onions
- 2 chopped peppers
- Spices, herbs and garlic to taste/preference
- A sachet of Schwartz Sausage/Bean Casserole mix (told you I was lazy) in about 100-150ml water
- 2 tins butter beans
- 2 tins haricot beans or cannelini beans
- 1 tin kidney beans (if you like them)
- 2 tins chopped tomatoes
- good squodge of tomato puree
Method
- Fry the sausages so they’re properly browned etc.
- Chop into decent chunks (or leave ’em whole. no-one cares)
- Bung into slow cooker, along with everything else.
- Cook for seven or eight hours.
- Eat
- Wait two hours or so
- Fart. Lots
- Giggle
And that’s it. The ozone layer won’t thank you – and sometimes nor will neighbours, partners, or pets – but your stomach will.
- Comments: 1
- now, packet sausage casserole mix is DELICIOUS. No need to explain this to me. My wife i... - swisslet

