With some exceptions, owls aren’t stupidly fussy eaters like some animals that I could care to mention. Generally anything that’s an insect or rodent is fair game. In order to have the diet of an owl, we must swallow these things whole, and then use the muscles in our stomach to roll the indigestible bits (teeth, claws and fur – that sort of thing) into a kind of hairball, and cough it back up.
Understandably, I’m finding this to be a daunting prospect. I’ve never coughed up a hairball before. However, I do have some experience in producing vast quantities of phlegm, though it’s not something that I can really do on request.
For the purposes of this experiment, I shall deep throat a sugar mouse whilst holding onto the string (or “tail”). When the mouse has dissolved, I will then pull the string back up.
WARNING! WARNING! DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME! THIS STUNT WAS PERFORMED BY A TRAINED OWL WITH SPECIALLY ADAPTED STOMACH MUSCLES!

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Owls also have very good night vision. Scientists would say that this is because their eyes are very large in proportion to the size of their heads, but I believe it’s that they are munching on lots of carrots on the quiet.

In fact, according to the 1998 Junior Illustrated Encyclopedia Of Lies, owls eat twelve times their own bodyweight of carrots EVERY SINGLE MINUTE! How incredible is that? For the purposes of demonstration, below is Beck the Owl pictured next to twelve times his own bodyweight of carrots.

If you listen to scientists, you’d be forgiven for thinking that carrots are high in beta-carotene, which is converted into vitamin A by the body, and this is why it is good for your night vision. This is clearly refuted in the 1998 Junior Illustrated Encyclopedia Of Lies, which points out that the truth of the matter is that its all to do with THE SHAPE OF THE VEGETABLE!

So here’s a handy cut-out-and-discard guide to improving your night vision through means of ingestion.

HTH!

Another important distinguishing feature of owls is their ability to fly. If I am also going to be able to fly, then the obvious method is to obtain some wings and some feathers, and attach them to my body. However, I suspect that this will be a little difficult, so I am going to explore an alternative method.
What if there was a limited version of flying, available to humans without any additional modifications or training required? Though not as flexible as the method which owls use, it does at least allow you to fly in one direction pretty quickly.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: falling.
I’ve been practicing this quite a bit. I’m getting rather good at it. Though these funny marks are appearing on my head and I seem to be losing control of the right hand sde f bd

We have addressed matters of motivation and sartory, and the next issue on our agenda is to master that fabulous trick that owls do with their necks where they rotate it by such a phenomenal angle that you lose track of which side of the owl is the front.
To do this, we must double the number of vertebrae in our neck from 7 to 14. So, conveniently enough, all we need to do is assimilate someone else’s neck.

This task being completed, we shall move swiftly on.
It’s a related fact that an owl’s eyes are more cylindrically shaped than our spherical efforts, which means that they can’t turn them side to side. However, I expect that they can probably do a cool rotatey kaleidoscope trick. Or perhaps not.

There are a number of crucial steps required to become an owl.
The first, and most important, is to want to be an owl. This, as we have already seen, I have taken care of.
The next step is to look like an owl. To do this, procure a baggy jumper, and put it on, but don’t put your arms into the sleeves. Sit down with your knees up to your chest, and pull the hem down as far as you can. Grab hold of your feet, and you are an owl!
I am quite an inflexible chap, so for the purpose of demonstration, I kneeled and grabbed hold of my knees instead. We will deal with my inflexibility in the next instalment, which will address matters of rotating one’s neck through many many degrees. Don’t miss it, yeh?

This week, I’m going to be an owl.
Damn, owls are cute. I’ve always liked owls.
UPDATE: As always, flickr is a good place to find photos.