Oh! But a week seems just too short, doesn’t it? (Humour me; I know that’s not what you’re thinking). There are so many essential blogging terms that I didn’t get round to: Linkyluuuurrvve, Navelgazing, Ofuscation, and Starf***ers (I’m especially disappointed about that last one, as it would most likely have been supremely bitchy). Still, there are bonuses to this particular alphabetical countdown remaining incomplete, because I’m still not sure how I would have woven Xylophones, Yetis and Zoetropes into a seamless glossary of weblog terminology.
I hope you’ve been enlightened by this investigation into bloggery and all its various orifices, and that it’s gone a little way to making you approach your own beloved blog with a renewed sense of vim, vigour and vitality. Mm-hmm. Feel that intensity, eh?
Let me leave you with a brief warning that Lyle is one of the tenants here next week. He doesn’t asterisk out his gratuitous swearing like I do, so be sure to lock up any impressionable adults, won’t you?
Goodnight.

Good afternoon all, and welcome to a decidedly alphabetical Uborka cocktail hour. Graybo has kindly offered to act as waitress for this afternoon’s imbibement, and will be passing amongst you distributing a few finger-bowls of Alphabetti Spaghetti, whilst I deal with the cocktails here at the bar. Oh, and no slurping the tomato sauce off the spaghetti please, because that’s ever so rude.
Gordon gets in there first with his Aunt Jemima. That’s a drink, by the way; he’s not doing anything immoral with a relative. Uborka’s landlady, Karen, is delighted with her Bloody Mary, since it’s her signature cocktail. Anna has chosen a California Root Beer, with the aim of fooling us into thinking it’s non-alcoholic. When she falls over, we’ll realise that it isn’t.
We’re on to D, and Green Fairy wants a Daiquiri. With strawberries or jelly tots. Hmm. We don’t have either of those. We do, however, have Alphabetti Spaghetti, which goes beautifully with a Daiquiri, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
Dragon’s on E. That’s not a drugs reference, by the way. His tipple is an El Bastardo. How quaint. I must remember one of those for myself when I get tired of Pimm’s.
Mr.D is going to be sent back to school pronto, as he’s asked for a Friggin’ great Smirnoff Blue. No Alphabetti Spaghetti for you, then. Fortunately for Mr.D, Annie rescued us with a proper F-initialled drink – a Fairy. Rum, absinthe, blue curacao and one hangover to go, please.
I think something awful may have happened to G. Oh dear.
Mike is having a difficult afternoon, it seems. So can you all please hum a reassuring meditative chant while I serve him his Harvey Wallbanger. Have a bowl of Alphabetti Spaghetti, Mike. And breathe. And relax.
Krissa is after an Irresistible Manhattan. Well, aren’t we all, dear? I have, as requested, gone easy on the bitters, because I’m never bitter. Just cynical and twisted.
Oh, and chasing up a previous order, Adrian wasn’t around for the announcement of today’s letter-based cocktails, but he had earlier asked for “something wet and sleazy”, so I’ll just assume that he’s gone right to the end of the alphabet and opted for W.
Something wet and sleazy, though? Hmm. How about a particularly voracious dolphin?
Enjoy your cocktails, folks.

You’ll have noticed, if you’ve been paying attention, that this week’s themes have been blogging and luuuurrvve. With luuuurrvve also being the theme of last week’s cocktail hour, the only other option was blogging. But Graybo and I thought about it and decided that beyond “Can I have an Obfuscation On The Beach and a Long, Slow Movable Type Up Against the Wall for the lady, please?” there really wasn’t much scope in that idea.
So this week’s theme is an A to Z of Cocktails. You will be requiring a tiny little bit of brain power, despite the fact that it’s Friday afternoon, so please pay attention.
The first person to order their cocktail shall request one beginning with the letter A, the second person will choose a cocktail starting with B, the third C and so on.
Heaven forbid, but if we get to 26 consecutive cocktails, two things will happen. First, I will be overcome with the excitement of it all and probably pass out, and second, the next person will start over again at A. Got that? Graybo and I will, however, allow certain leeway for people selecting drinks beginning with the same letter if they happen to post their comments at exactly the same moment.
Get ordering. If you’re really good, I may serve small bowls of Alphabetti Spaghetti in tomato sauce too. Mmm.

In next week’s edition of our hit soap opera, The Cucumbers, it looks like one of our heroes is for the chop as rumours grow that a summer salad is about to prepared … but now on Uborka TV, it’s time for our regular holiday show, Wish You Weren’t There …?, presented by Judith Chalmers (who is sponsored by Orange, for obvious reasons).

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I’ve never quite understood this incessant need for certain bloggers who are a bit long in the tooth (although only in blogging years, of course) to have to try and validate their existence by continually telling us that They Were Here First.
So, you’ve been blogging for years, have you? Good for you. Absolutely marvellous. Colour me a distinct shade of impressed.
Interestingly enough – in a kind of exceptionally uninteresting way – myself and my fellow host on Uborka this week, Mr Graybo of Chichestershire, began our respective weblogs almost exactly within a month of each other (although I will freely admit that he was there first, by some 29 days) during the autumnal mists and mellow fruitfulness of the latter part of 2000. These were the heady post-millennial days when we thought that anything was possible – that the human race would soon be travelling around in miniature spaceships, that we were about to start communing with aliens, and that it was really possible to update a personal website with fresh and exciting content on a daily basis.
Sigh. Truly, they were much more innocent times.
Four long years later, on the occasions when Mr Graybo and I happen to meet at one of those blogmeets, it doesn’t take long before we start reminiscing about the old days over a couple of frothing pints of Old Speckled Peculiar …

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