Uborka returns in September.
August 14, 2014
And so to France
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August 13, 2014
Addicted to plucking
A year ago, I started a beard. It was a holiday beard, the kind of beard that you grow because you’re off work for a fortnight. But at the end of the fortnight we all agreed that, with a small amount of management, it looked fairly smart, and Karen also liked the way it felt against her thighs so I decided to keep it.
This went well for a few months, until in January I developed an awful plucking habit. I have no idea how it started, but before long I was addicted to the sensation of the hair sliding out of its socket. I was chain-plucking, I couldn’t control my hands.
Before long, the areas that were receiving the brunt of my attentions were becoming visibly less densely forested. “I can stop”, I said, but could I? Could I, boat. Sparseness escalated, and soon we were looking at swathes of total facial desertification.
Once things have gone this far, there’s only one way to be sure; nuke it from orbit. I returned to the community of the beardless.
Initially, my stubble continued to grow back unevenly – those afflicted patches were salted, metaphorically speaking, and remained baby-smooth for a few days. However, soon they recovered, and I embarked upon the beard project from first principles.
Again, I managed a few months of beardfulness. In May my plucking tendencies returned, and once again it was necessary to commit beardicide. But my habit is now worse than ever, and I have so far been unable to even restart the beard. If I shave every single day, then I can keep the facial hair short enough to have nothing to hold onto. But if I miss one day, then by the second day I am scrabbling around for grabbable follicles like a crystal maze contestant in the dome, teasing out anything that I can grip.
So that’s what I’ve been up to, how are you?
- Comments: 6
- Heh, yeah I know, just teasing - Pete
- (I have a beard, so I hear you brother!) - swisslet
- not a prude, just a little surprised and did the reading equivalent of a double-take. tha... - swisslet
- Oh you lot are so bloody prudish. - Pete
- As a bearded man myself, I expected to have more to say about this.... but *ahem* indeed. ... - swisslet
August 12, 2014
O Captain! My Captain! – Walt Whitman
O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
The arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
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August 11, 2014
Age-appropriate content
It will probably come as no surprise to you that Karen and I like to watch TV programmes with a bit of an edge to them. We have no objection to shows that contain gratuitous nudity, foul language, drugs, violence, baking, and so on and so forth.
Last week, Karen’s mum was staying with us, and we did a masterful job of accidentally watching the kinds of programmes that one would not normally watch with one’s mother-in-law.
On Monday evening, while I was out at a band rehearsal, the two of them decided to watch Black Swan. Since I wasn’t there, I’ll let Karen tell this part of the story:
Well the most remarkable thing about our viewing of Black Swan was that the keyboard kept trying to save me from embarrassment by taking it upon itself to fast forward at random. I replaced the batteries and returned to the end of the scene before the masturbation scene, and then we watched that through. The keyboard glitched again shortly before the lesbian sex scene but mum pointed out that we had got the gist and did not need to rewatch it. Karen out.
On Tuesday evening we decided to watch some nice light sitcoms. First up, an episode of Taxi that hasn’t aged well. Maybe in 1980 it was funny to watch Louis de Palma sexually blackmailing Elaine Nardo in exchange for adequate working conditions for the rest of the staff, but in 2014 it’s knee-deep awkwardness from start to finish. We followed that up with an episode of Cybill, in which Cybill and Marianne write a porn movie, and Cybill also discovers that Zoe lost her virginity in Europe and they have a nice little chat about that. I hasten to add that I didn’t select these episodes specifically for maximum discomfort, these just happened to be the next ones on the unwatched pile.
By Wednesday evening I had learned my lesson, and was playing it much more safe – we watched the first in the new series of Great British Bake Off, and then I saw that Raiders Of The Lost Ark was on BBC3 so we watched the first 80 minutes or so of that. Thursday evening we got our kindles out and and read instead. While I know it would make a far more exciting blog post if we watched Wolf Of Wall Street (which we actually watched with my dad), or The Inbetweeners (which we watched with my mum), or Total Recall (which I once watched with my granddad (Mmmm baby, you make me wish I had three hands!)), we didn’t.
- Comments: 5
- I have nightmares about listening to Blood Sugar Sex Magik by the red hot chili peppers in... - swisslet
- yeah - Harrison Ford films of about that era are probably perfect. Except maybe Witness. ... - swisslet
- Certainly in this situation, it was exactly the sort of family-friendly lighthearted actio... - Pete
- Is it possible to see Raiders in the schedule and not watch it? No matter how many times ... - swisslet
- I was actually praying to some sort of deity that mum would make no remark on the virginit... - Karen
August 8, 2014
Bar’s Open
This will be the final cocktail hour of the hummer solidays, as the Uborka Clan is heading off to France next Friday. This afternoon we are celebrating the work of the Reverend Spooner, known for getting his turds in a wangle. Woo your durst.
- Comments: 7
- Well I opened a bottle of Shunky Moulder last night, so I guess a wee dram of that would b... - Pete
- I'm the dick lover. Oh, wait, that was last week. Umm, I'll have a Racardi and Bum, please... - mike
- I have had three sours of heep. True STory: Reading the hourly news there was an item ab... - asta
- I was yinking of thou when I pote this roast. - Karen
- I was always fond of a spud goonerism. - Pockless
August 7, 2014
Where are you now? Karen, August
After dropping Bernard off for a weekend with his aunt, Pete and I stopped for lunch at a greasy spoon cafe on a busy road junction in Rickmansworth. It looked like a dive but the all day breakfasts were delectable. Pete got one with two black puddings, and I got one with two hash browns, and we traded. We enjoyed this meal more than the £85 dinner with wine, much later that evening.
- Comments: 1
- That sounds lovely. - Stuart
August 6, 2014
Uborka! Magic Mile
Congratulations to Team Uborka! members who ran the Marathon Talk Magic Mile; here are our times:
Me: 09:42 (usual mile is about 11:30; this nearly killed me)
Swisslet: 07:04 (aiming for under 7 minutes next time)
Stroppycow: 10:50 (too hot & sore, with Runkeeper playing up)
Gordon: 09:46 (mostly uphill)
Great work!
I have hardly been running at all, summer holidays are just impossible. Loads and loads of walking, though, because Bernard can do that with me. What are your plans for the rest of the summer?
- Comments: 4
- Uborka is so excited about your marathon place. - Karen
- As it happens, my running club did a magic mile this evening as part of our interval train... - swisslet
- well, I got confirmation yesterday that I am the proud holder of a gold bond charity place... - swisslet
- Well done all. Still planning on attempting one - maybe tonight. Sure I can find a reasona... - Tom
August 5, 2014
Where are you now? Bernard, August
This weekend I was in London with my aunt, and this picture is of where we went in a cable car. It went right over a white dome, but she doesn’t know the name. I went right over the River Thames and I saw quite a lot of cool boats. It was really fun, and as we were going over, there was stories about where we were going.
- Comments: 4
- Great post Bernard. I did not know about these cable cars, and now I want to ride in one. - asta
- cool hat and you're definitely working it. Good post too. Looking forward to the next on... - swisslet
- Bernard - can you run the bar on Friday? - graybo
- Welcome to blogging, Bernard! I think the white dome must be the O2 Arena, which used to b... - mike