Well, if it was ever a week I needed a drink this was it. So I’m going first, and I’m having the biggest, pinkest, most decorated cocktail I can find.

*drains bucket*

Right. Now on to serving you lot.

Green Fairy‘s first at the bar, with her request for pink gin, and she’s closely followed by the good Doctor Pockless, who wants Penelope Pitstop, who he can have, if he fights off everyone else in the queue who wants a shot at her, including his lovely sister, and our lovely hostess, Karen.

Since Lyle has emailed Karen, he can have his pint, but he’s having a Pink Russian instead of a Black one, because this is girlie cocktails, and girlie drinks are pink, damnit!

Steph can have her 3 vodka martinis, so long as she doesn’t mind having them in pink glasses.

qB can have two pink panthers, so long as they promise not to chase Sorsha‘s Jessica Rabbit.

Adrian wants a well lubricated woman, but he’s going to have to stop being lazy and work for it.

Graybo wants to cripple his dick, for no reason I can figure out, and will, I’m sure be a great disappointment to his lovely fiancé.

Mark can have his scooby snack, with a pink bow tied around it’s neck.

Anna can get unlimited amounts of whatever alcohol she wants, because she more than deserves it.

and last but absolutely not least, Angel , can join me in another very strong foofy cocktail.

Have a faaaaabulous weekend girls and boys. It’s been a blast.

Thankyouandgoodnight.

I is for Illegal…

Older than 16 – ok.

Younger than 16 – not.

Rocket science it ain’t.

I is also for Inexplicable…

It’s a girl thing. Accept it and life will be far easier for you.

J is for Jewellery…

This can be a potential minefield.

This is where your powers of observation can win the day.

Look at her. What kind of jewellery does she wear? Does she wear the same pieces all the time, or does she change it to match whatever outfit she’s wearing that particular day?

Also take note: does she wear gold or silver?

If she wears the same pieces every day, you’ve got the hardest job, because chances are she wears them for a reason. You’re either going to have to pick something she doesn’t wear, or find her something very special to replace an item she already wears.

Generally, subtle and tasteful are the watchwords when purchasing jewellery. If you’re going to go big, then you need to really spend a lot of cash.

If you don’t want to spent a lot of cash, then for goodness sake don’t shop at Argos, that Elizabeth Duke logo and cheap plastic box is a dead giveaway.

K is for Kissing…

Everyone has an opinion on this subject. Everyone.

Mostly because pretty much everyone’s done it at some point or other.

So, since there are so very many guides to the art of kissing, I thought I’d provide some advice on what not do to.

1. Slobber.

While saliva is an essential part of the whole kissing process, excess saliva is just, well, gross.

Nobody likes to feel like they’ve been slimed.

If you feel like you’re starting to go all Hooch on a girl, pull back and get your chops under control.

2. Go straight for the tonsils.

Yes, tongues are fun to use while kissing, but if it’s your first kiss (or at least, the first year’s worth of kissing), do try not to aim at her lips with your tongue, and immediately try and touch her tonsils with it.

If you do, she’d be perfectly justified in biting your tongue off, and you wouldn’t like that, now would you?

3. Lick her teeth.

Ew.

Really.

4. Insert tongue and twirl.

Her mouth is not a blender and you’re not making a smoothie. Just don’t.

5. Burp in her mouth

Do I really need to explain this one?

… and finally, it goes without saying that you should at least make an attempt to keep your breath fresh. If you’ve been away from a toothbrush for more than a few hours, or have eaten stinky food, consumed alcohol or smoked, then do feel free to freshen up with some chewing gum.

Note: remove chewing gum before attempting to kiss.

Any questions before we move on to the next lesson?

Essex road, 10pm, Wednesday. A true story
You know what the problem wiv gurls is?
Fink they can do everyfink. E for fuckin Everyfink.
Modern Gurls, vat is. Not like my old mum. Proper girl she wuz. But ‘eese modern gurls they’re not like my old mum no more. If my old mum was young naa, right, she wouldn’t be like veese modern gurls.
She’d be like my old mum. But young. Not like veese modern guurls. They’re like they are, not like she be if she was like them, which she wouldn’t be. Ang on.
If my owd mum, yeah, wuz young naa, as yung as these yung gurls is, she’d be a lady. Just my sort a’laydy too.
Laaves Ironin, Laaaves cleanin, Laaaves shoppin, but don’t spend too much of the Aaas-keepin cuz she knows she’s got her dahlin husband t’feed when he comes frew vat door.
Proper Laydy, she’d be. Tell ya, f’my mum was yung naaa, I’d ave er up the duff an in my kitchen sooner ‘n you can say “oh fuckin el, I’m talkin baat shaggin my mum….”
Er. Hang on… Where wuz I? Oh… Yeah…

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In this filthy age, it seems to be a widely held belief that the lady’s wonder-hole is for ‘putting things in’.
Not so.
While things certainly can be put ‘there’ (although only ‘things’ belonging to your husband, ladies, remember…), the main purpose of your ‘blossom-bucket’ is for the storage and safe delivery of little people. Sorry? You at the back? No, not as a hidey hole for leprachauns and midgets.
That’s right..
B is for Babies
That’s right, my cherubs, b is for babies, and I can see you melt a little at the mention of the word. B is for babies, and, as we all, know, Babies are What Girls Are For.
We have the bits for popping them out (‘bits’), the bits for feeding them (‘tits’) and many other bits which probably come in extremely useful too. Although I’m not sure what shins are for. I’m imagining that babies probably like to nip them. They’re a lot like Yorkshire Terriers, you see. In many, many ways. Quite low. Make noises. Have faces. You get the idea. Very similar.
The ‘baby-urge’ (that’s to manufacture/grow them, rather than eat them) apparently sets in full-whack around one’s mid-twenties.
It should be pointed out that the ‘urge’ manifests not in the women themselves, but in everyone around them, particularly elderly relatives and brightly coloured magazines.
It is around this age that holding any baby will draw cries of ‘oooh! that suits you’ (It’s not a hat, you know…), and moving to a flat large enough to swing a cat in will lead to wide family suspicion that you’ll soon be filling the extra space with babies.
It’s simply not true. You’re not allowed to swing babies, you see. Do remember that.
Babies, it must be said, are A Good Thing. They’re useful. They bring with them licence – to be told you’re radiant even when you smell of vomit and look like a heffer, to take up as much of the inner-city pavement as you want with your essential ‘rough terrain’ buggy, to tut at people who believe that they deserve equal seating rights in the pub garden even though they don’t have children, and most of all to Be Quite Smug. And they look cute in nappies and bobble hats. But then, so do terriers.
This is an enlightened age, girls. Remember. You don’t have to start squeezing miniatures out of your glitter-bag if you don’t want to, if you can’t, or, god have pity, if you’re single. You do have choices….

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