F is for Feet…

Ah feet. Unjustly reviled as icky, nasty, gross and only good for allowing the owner of a pair to wear foxy shoes.

“but feet are all gross and smelly” I hear you cry.

Well, just for you, a way to deal with that eventuality in a way that will gain you brownie points, and not relegate you to sleeping on the sofa for being so crass as to point out that the feet of the object of your affections stink like three week old Edam left out in the sun.

You’re somewhere private, you’ve pulled, congratulations. You’re getting “comfortable”. She may have removed her shoes already, if she hasn’t, here is your chance.

1. Kneel down and remove the shoes. Resist the urge to recoil if her feet smell a little – she’s probably been wearing the shoes all day, and I’d bet good money that your feet aren’t exactly fragrant either. So, take a deep breath, breathe through your mouth, whatever it takes.

2. If she’s wearing hosiery (that’s socks, tights or stockings for the uninformed), then remove these also.

3. Put on some nice music if you haven’t already, light some candles, ditto… (if no candles, dim the lights, or whatever it takes to create a reasonable “mood”) and then tell her you’ll be right back. Adjourn to the kitchen or bathroom, wherever you can find a fairly large bowl, at least something big enough to put both feet in.

4. Find a clean towel (or at least, the least manky you have).

5. Fill the bowl with warm water and (ideally) some scented soapy product. If you are a total bloke and have nothing like this, use some shower gel, or if you don’t even have that, just ordinary soap. Note: It’s very important here that the water is neither too hot nor too cold. If in doubt, dip your elbow in it and adjust accordingly.

6. Carry it carefully back to the room, where she will undoubtedly ask you what you’re doing.

7. Smile, tell her to just relax and enjoy, then place the bowl at her feet and gently lift her legs and put her feet in the bowl.

8. Wash her feet thoroughly and very gently with the soap, then dry them carefully.

Easy. Stinky feet problem solved, and chances are she’s feeling very spoiled by this point, giving you brownie points which you can then turn to your advantage.

As with so many things, if you wish to proceed to kissing, licking or sucking of the feet and toes, ask. It may well save you getting a kick in the teeth, or having her run away screaming in disgust.

Read on for the rest of today’s lesson…

G is for Gifts…

Everyone likes to receive gifts.

However, the advantage gained can be lessened, or in fact, completely wiped out by the wrong gift.

Panic not, a little bit of careful observation can ensure that you avoid this particular pitfall.

Hint #1: There is a vast difference between “cheap” and “inexpensive”.

For example:

Cheap – bunch of manky carnations blackened with exhaust fumes from a garage forecourt.

Inexpensive – single bloom of her favourite type of flower. If you don’t know what her favourite flower is, calculate how much you would have spent on a bunch of garage flowers (typically approx £3) and go for a single exotic bloom of the same value. Extra points if you go for something with a name you’ve never heard of.

Hint #2: Exercise caution when giving “obvious” gifts such as chocolate and stuffed animals.

As in, don’t give chocolate to someone who is on a diet, and if you do give someone chocolate, resist the urge to call her a porker when she eats it all.

The same “cheap” vs “inexpensive” thing works here too – think quality, not quantity. A few small handmade good chocolates far outweigh a box of Roses or Quality Street, and cost roughly the same.

Hint #3: If you’re really broke, but want to do something special, make something. Be it a card, or something more creative. The personal touch is always appreciated.

Hint #4: This one may be a bit tougher for the more oblivious amongst you, but open your eyes and ears – listen to what she says – she’ll drop hints about things that interest her. Similarly, if you’re in a shop, watch what she picks up, examines and then puts back. Chances are it’s something she wants, but thinks it’s too expensive.

Hint #5: Never expect gifts to guarantee sex, or expect it because a gift has been given.

H is for Hair…

This can be a “quick win”, particularly if done sincerely.

It’s very simple. Pay attention. Notice her hair. Particularly, notice if it changes. Remark on it regularly.

Here are some phrases you can use.

“Your hair looks really lovely.”

“Have you had your hair done? It looks really good on you. I liked it before, but this really enhances your eyes/face/cheekbones.*”

*delete as appropriate.

“Your hair feels really soft, I love to run my fingers through it.”

Beware, if you go into rhapsodies, she might think you’re some sort of freaky stalker type person, and run screaming, so moderation is the key here.

Now, it would be very remiss of me to not deal with the subject of body hair.

Most women will deal with underarm and leg hair as a matter of course, however, if you catch someone on an off day, or a time when things have been left unattended for a while, resist the urge to recoil in horror and make remarks about not wishing to shag a monkey.

The bikini line is a different matter entirely, and is dealt with according to personal preference, which is frequently dictated by fashion.

If there is rather too much and you feel like you can’t see the wood for the trees, as it were, carefully push it aside and continue, imagining yourself as Indiana Jones exploring the jungle, if it helps. If you accidentally get some stuck in your teeth, resist the urge to choke and make disgusted noises, just pause for a moment and remove the offending hair.

It’s not life threatening, and you won’t choke, I promise.

If you really feel like there is too much, and you’re feeling brave and have a steady hand, you can suggest a game where you accomplish an agreed amount of deforestation. If you wish to embark upon this course of action, the essential items are:

A brand new safety razor
Lashings of hot water
Lots of shaving foam

However, once more, I should stress that this should be an agreed activity, and communication should be maintained throughout. If in doubt, ask.

B is for Breasts…
Boobs. Boobies. Bazookas. Bristols. Baps. Breasticles. Bags of fun (and that was without the use of a Roget’s Profanisaurus, which undoubtedly has several more, if you’re so inclined).
Lots of B words for ’em, lots of non B words too.
They all refer to the same thing – the mammary glands of the adult female human. Arriving between the ages of 11-15 they come in pairs and in all shapes, sizes, colours and textures, dependent on such things as genetics and luck.
They can be found attached to the front of the adult female (this is the side that, unless there’s a serious problem, also has the face). Unless they are particularly small, they will be obvious, and are one of the easiest ways to determine if the person you are talking to is of the “girl” variety.
So, here are a few pointers on care and handling of the Breasts.
1. Noticing them in public.
Subtlety is the key here. It is permissable to look and admire a particularly fine pair of breasts, in fact, in certain cases it can be flattering, but one thing to remember is that they should not be your entire focus. If you are close enough to be in conversation with the owner of the breasts, you should concentrate your focus on her face.
If passing a particularly splendid pair in the street, it is acceptable to subtly stare. It is not, however, acceptable to whoop, nudge your mate and crow “Crikey, would you look at the norks on that!” at the top of your voice. This is crass and classless and should rightfully earn you some sort of physical injury.
However, if you are overcome by the need to remark, approaching the female in question and saying something along the lines of “I’m sorry to bother you, but I just had to tell you that you have the most amazing pair of breasts I’ve ever seen” may get you a smile and a thank you, and if you can keep your wits about you, perhaps something more.
2. The approach
Assuming you’ve passed stage one and are given the green light to get close enough to touch.
Approach them gently. Do not reach one hand out, grab whichever one is nearest, squeeze as if you’re testing a melon for ripeness and make a honking noise as you do so. They are to be treated with the utmost respect. Generally the best approach to a clothed breast is to slide the hand up the side, over the ribcage and cup gently.
This is probably best accomplished during a fairly close embrace, when you are certain that you have permission from the female in question. You may feel that you are such a catch that you can walk up to a girl and slide your hand up her side and cup her breasts, but if you choose this particular coarse of action I cannot be held responsible for any physical injury you may sustain.
3. Removing the Bra
Most breasts will be constrained by a brassiere, or bra. These were designed specifically to mess with your heads and to slow down your path to breast heaven.
If confronted with one, check first of all whether it’s a front or back fastening kind. If it’s the back fastening kind, use both hands. There’s nothing worse than going for the one-hander and failing. If you really can’t get the clip, don’t feel ashamed to walk around her, or turn her round and undo the clip. There is no shame in admitting you can’t figure out how to do them, in fact, in some cases it can be endearing and signal that you’re not a slimy lothario.
4. The naked breast
Once the bra has been removed, you have free access to the breast. You can feel free to lavish gently attention on it, running your finger, lips or tongue over it’s soft skin.
You will also notice a darker patch pointing out at you, this is the nipple. For care and treatment of the nipple, please sign at the back for tomorow’s class.
Read on for the next part of today’s lesson.

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