Despite the opinions of current and former colleagues, I am not the world’s most prudish woman. You know this; you’ve seen my shoes.
I would like to think of myself as an open-minded and tolerant kind of person, but frankly, I’m not. If you were to laugh or disapprove of me teetering in my unsuitable platform stilettos and matchingly unsuitable pvc dress, I would not be impressed. I would think you lacked sophistication. I am such a hypocrite.
The thing is, fetishes are funny. Other people’s kinks make me laugh. Try this:
Grown men in nappies.
See? You laughed. I defy you not to have emitted the smallest of sniggers.
I have absolutely no problem with grown men wanting to wear nappies and suck dummies [diapers, pacifiers], if that makes them happy, but they have to allow that there’s a certain amount of ridiculousness in it. The fact that someone, somewhere, makes babygros in adult size, suggests an entrepreneurial pink and blue vision. I imagine some northern textile magnate with a glut of terry-towelling.
Moving on, then:
Girls dressed up as ponies
That’s not sexy. That’s just silliness in the guise of girls who weren’t quite spoiled enough as kids. Daddy wouldn’t buy you a pony? That’s ok, you can be harnessed to a cart and wear cloppy heels and insert a tail… ok, I’ll stop.
The wearing of a rubber body suit, including stockings and a full head mask, in a nightclub on a hot summer night
There is no supply of talcum powder large enough.
Blokes in french maid outfits
You can shave your legs as much as you like, your knees are still not going to be pretty, and no matter what you dress up as, your bathroom cleaning skills are still likely to be inadequate.
Men who wear nail varnish and/or eyeliner
Actually, that’s kinda cute.
